I need to write this down. Please don't feel the need to reply, I'm not looking for solutions because there are none, certainly not at the moment.
It will be long and rambly but it needs to come out.
I'm stressed to the point that I have pain in my chest.
We're a family of 6 in a 2.5 bed tiny house. Waiting on a move but are at the mercy of the council and HA which is understandably taking an age whilst there's a pandemic on the go.
This means I have zero time or space to myself, I am an introvert about as introverts as they come, I usually survive life by taking one day a week to have completely to myself to spend in silence in my home alone. This keeps me ticking over.
I apart from the bathroom there is no room that I can be in alone here, even then when I'm in there I can hear the chaos downstairs so it doesn't help.
We're shielding so none of us can leave the house. We have a tiny outside space but that is infested with rats (another reason for moving) and my neighbours are hell on earth (dirty nappies flying over the fence, fighting, smoking weed, screaming cunt at the top of their lungs etc)
We're shielding because DS1 (15) has a severe respiratory disease, if he catches CV he is likely not to make it. I am on the next list down, vulnerable because of mild heart disease and fibromyalgia, jhms and likely Lupus (was going through testing before lockdown hit) this means I can't just go for a walk or take a break out of the house.
DS has a long and laborious medical regimen to follow everyday which means we had to have a medical room put in so our living room got cut in half to facilitate that.
DS also quite clearly to anyone with half a brain cell has some developmental issues and social disability if that's even a term, he as zero social boundaries and cannot process a lot of simple things, I have cried, broken down and worked myself into the ground to get support but it's been useless. Everyone is in agreement there is something wrong but no one is willing to seek a diagnosis because he has so much going on with his health and we live in an area where CAMHS is so underfunded and in its knees they will only see the most severe cases.
DS has a psychologist to support him with his medical needs who has done a WHISK assessment which confirms DS is working overall at the lowest 5% of all his peers even those with special needs. This is still apparently not enough to get further support. I'm crippled with fear that DS is not only a danger to himself but others will be a danger to him, he has no awareness of danger. Forgive me for using terminology when there's not diagnosis but he stims (I think that's right) he bounces, rocks, taps and tics he cannot be still ,even when asleep. He also mouths everything, usually his fingers (hygiene is non existent with him) and he makes constant loud, repetitive noises. He can't maintain friendships but doesn't seem to realise, everything is rosey in his mind.
He was in mainstream school but only takes 4 subjects that he's very behind in, his hospital stays mean his attendance is very low. School can't/won't support this anymore and we get bounced around a lot. I think at thins point there just waiting for the clock to run down so he'll finish next year and be out of their hair.
So there's that, I can cope with him but DH and DS2 really struggle to some with his behaviour. All I hear is fighting, bickering and shouting. Then they drag me into it, "Muuuummmm, tell him!" I feel like a referee more than a member if the family.
Also made worse by no one having their own space.
We also have DS3 who is dyspraxia and has ADD undiagnosed but at least his school are in agreement and have referred to camhs, he is much more manageable though.
DD is 5 and desperate for company, she is struggling, she's left out because her brothers are so much older than her and they're very loud and like rough and tumble, she likes dolls and Disney.
DH is great, he really is apart from struggling with DS, he's working from home and works bloody hard, he spends anytime outside of meetings dealing with the kids, he will do whatever he can to support me but there isn't anything else he can do.
Between us the kids are doing some sort of school work everyday, so that's not an issue.
I'm not working because I'm in care work so I can't do that. It's not safe, it's eating me alive seeing my colleagues out there when I can't be, I work in EOL and a couple of my clients have passed away and I've not been working to care for them.
I see a councillor every week, he's great but what ca he say apart from keep going, we'll get through lockdown and then life will begin again.
I'm not really sleeping, we have a rickety sofa bed in the living room so I'm exhausted, the jhms and fibro means I'm in constant pain too, I've lost my appetite completely, I'm just wallowing, desperate to escape, I feel like I can't breathe if I'm honest and no matter what I do I can't seem to snap out of it.