Restarting antidepressants

[12boo]

Hello. Sorry to be a bore as I know this is a difficulty time for everyone but I'd like to get some advice from other people (than myself ). I have recently "completed" 15 weeks of psychological therapy (mainly cbt) for moderate low mood/ anxiety. Not sure I was ever doing it "properly" but found many of the techniques helpful especially looking at compassion focussed therapy, and weaned myself off sertraline. 8 weeks into "lockdown" and I'm really struggling. WFH & homeschooling (could send kids in as I'm technically a key worker but really don't want to) is too much for me. I am stressed, irritable, shouty and tearful every day. DH is around and sort of helpful but tbh we don't work well together- he is quite critical of me at times and likes things done his way iyswim. Now I'm back to feeling like a shot mum who's damaging my DCs (primary age) and the feelings of guilt and fear of wasting and spoiling life haunts me. Even when I run in the morning (previously helpful) and try to establish a routine and down time with them I end up yelling at someone at some point. I've no tolerance for the bickering (not their fault their stressed too) and the mess (it's so jarring) and the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and powerless. Anyway, I was so, so pleased to have managed without the meds, so hopeful for a future where I might fulfil some dreams (career change- all on hold/ time and money wasted due to covid) and so I've been reluctant to go back on them but I'm worried I'm just being stubborn because it feels like a huge backward step to go back on them - like all that "work" has gone to waste, but my DCs need to have a better mum and I'm bored of apologising every day for shouting
TIA for reading this

Firstly, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. You're right, it's a difficult time for everyone but don't let that down play your feelings.
The best description of depression that was ever given to me explained the chemical imbalance in the brain. In order to feel 'joy' (for lack of a better word), we need a certain hormone to be plentiful in the brain. When we are depressed, it's like a seive has opened and that hormone is dripping through. The anti depressants close the holes of the seive so we can maintain the correct hormone levels. They are not 'happy pills' as they don't make you happy, they just stop you completely loosing the ability to feel positive.
I am very similar toy you, I had CBT to deal with anxiety and depression, and because of that, I felt I would never need the meds again. I was stubborn and thought I could do it all alone. However at the start of lockdown I completely broke under the pressure of working and caring for a toddler who was used to nursery. I start sertraline and I cannot tell you how glad I am that I did. I take strength from the fact I made the conscious decision that I needed some help and after holding off for 18 months, I actually feel silly for not doing it earlier.
There is no shame in needing medical assistance, but strength in recognising that you want to improve your mood and patience for your children and yourself.
I wish you well x

Thank you elephantinascooter, thank you so much for replying
I'm sorry you've had similar issues. It's so hard isn't it. Toddlers are adorable but insanely hard work. I think I will start them. I had also given up alcohol completely and I believe that was helping but now as the only mum in my school who isn't drinking through lockdown, and as my DJ drinks daily, I'm finding that a challenge too. I really appreciate your thoughts. I hope things amigo well for you too.

It doesn't help that she often tells me to "take a chilll pill ", yesterday he said that maybe I can off them too fast (he has no knowledge in this area and besides, I did wean off slowly and with support as was feeling good. Bastard

She, not she

DH. Not she

He doesn't sound very supportive so I think you need to just feel confident that what you're doing is what's best for you and not him.
I'm lucky to have a supportive dh but even he told me I didn't need them for ages (he has since apologised)

I was on sertraline for 6 months and decided a few weeks ago to self wean off them. It was the worst decision I ever made. I felt awful, mood all over the place, irrational thoughts, self hate and really hard on myself. I went back on sertraline and it was the best decision I ever made. I've survived lockdown with a more content mind. Ps the home schooling is going crap but I'm mot stressed about it!

Thank you jogalong
I'm glad you're feeling better

elephant he is quite hard work

Oh @12boo I’m so impressed you’ve come off them at all. I honestly believe sertraline saved my life. I’m a huge advocate because I think sometimes it’s just not possible to function well without that little help.
I think @Elephantonascooter has such a good explanation. I’d also say that you’re under a huge amount of strain and stress at the moment it would be tough even without a chemical imbalance. What you’ve said though makes me think your body just isn’t producing what you need.
I think being sad and angry etc is all normal. For me sertraline was about taking away the despair. The feeling of not being in control of my negative emotions and the hideous vertigo like feeling of being on the edge of falling off an emotional cliff.
Good luck whatever you choose. You’re not a shit mum. You’re absolutely exhausting yourself trying to do the best for your kids. It’s fucking hard! Be kind to yourself. I bet you would hate to see a friend in your set up and you wouldn’t ever say she was a shit mum for struggling. Take care. X

Thank you so much

It is great that the therapy helped and that you were able to come off your medication. That's a great achievement!

Those early weeks and months after finishing treatment and stopping medication can be tricky times to navigate even before your throw in a global pandemic. There is nothing wrong with needing the extra bit of help that medication can give. It doesn't mean that you can't try to come off them again in 3-6 months if things go OK. Accepting you need a little help is not the same as being back in the place you were before you had therapy.

I was under an intensive op mental health team a few years ago. I worked really hard and got discharged back to my gp. 3 months later i needed a referral to the cmht. I was really disappointed, it felt like going back to square 1. Instead I had a few appointments then 6 monthly reviews. Yes I had made loads of progress but at the same time I did still need a bit of help from time to time. The next time I was discharged I went 18 months without needing the cmht. This time I only needed their help for 3 months this was almost 2 years ago. The input I need is getting shorter and the gap between is getting longer. That is what I focus on.

Sorry to hear this OP.

My story is similar, I weaned off citalopram over the course of 7 months just before lockdown and around Easter found myself at rock bottom again.

I have been back on citalopram for around 6 weeks and although I’m still having bad days I have seen some improvement. Just waiting out for the full effect.

I hope you feel better soon

Nothing wrong with a bit of extra support in difficult times. Good for you for staying off the booze. It’s a depressant so you’re doing the right thing to steer clear.

Are you happy with your husband? Do you want to be with him? Could he be the cause if a lot of your issues? Could be time to split?

Thank you for your responses.
I do feel that being booze free has to be good, but it's definitely harder atm.
DH is ok really.
Yes, I'm going to start gradually. Thank you again for sharing

How are you doing OP?

Hi onekid thank you. I'm feeling more settled. I have spoken to my go and have a script to collect today
🤞

Im just tying to not see it as a set back and hopefully I'll feel the benefit soon. Thank you for your support

It’s defo not a setback.

In fact it’s a really positive thing that you have done - you noticed that there was something not quite the way it used to be and you addressed the situation.

And now you have a script for meds you need and can get on with your life and let the meds rebalance your brain chemicals till they are how they should be.

Lots of people don’t notice things until it’s too late. Or pretend it’s not happening.

Look at all the people who need their eyes tested as they know they can’t see as well as before but put it off. That’s just silly. This is the same. Only it’s not your eyes that need sorted it’s your chemicals that need sorted.
You did notice at the right time. Would you be so hard on yourself if it was glasses you needed. No, you’d take them and not think anything of it, yet we stigmatise anti-d’s. Just think of them as glasses of the brain and it won’t seem such a big deal.

That’s a positive to take away from this. You’re looking after your body to make you healthy and the best mum you can be. All good

@Elieza has said it perfectly! X

Good luck.

After a week of a low dose I'm feeling a lot more settled and on the "right path" thank you so much for all your supportive comments. Wishing you all the best x