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Mental health

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Original poster

I hate this

20 replies

Jennisaurus · 10/10/2004 20:16

I am really sorry to vent on here, urgh.

I have been feeling so down today, no idea why I haven't felt so down in months, I just keep crying then thinking about how stupid I am for crying over what is nothing.

Anyway I am being very silly, I just wanted to tell someone.

OP posts:

pixiefish · 10/10/2004 20:19

hope you feel better soon {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}hugs

unicorn · 10/10/2004 20:20

jennisaurus, sorry to ask the obvious, but have you been to the doc?
What has set this off.. or has it been building for sometime... how old are kid/s?

Original poster

Jennisaurus · 10/10/2004 20:24

Actually have been officially discharged from my mental health nurse (in August) after about 6mths of feeling truely crap. I just have my silly moments when I feel v.down.

I have an 11mth old DD

OP posts:

myermay · 10/10/2004 20:25

Message withdrawn

unicorn · 10/10/2004 20:27

sounds like you still need some help, or at least a support network?
Worth going back to the doctor and asking for more?

motherinferior · 10/10/2004 20:29

There are two threads for this - some of us posted on the other one, Jenni. xxxxxx

Original poster

Jennisaurus · 10/10/2004 20:38

I'll summerize my long and rather depressing mental health history.

As a teen I had mental health issues, self-harmed and attempted suicide frequently for a long while, and finally got sorted when I was about 17 after seeing a mental health nurse for a number of years.

Sorted out my life, married had Evie last November.

In Jan this year got very very down/suicidal again and started self harming. Got an immediate referal to a mental health nurse specialising in self harm, and sort of got back on track.

I work full time as a HCA in a hospital and I find that very tiring, and in the past few months my husband has done less and less for me and E, he is making more of an effort these days so i should not complain, but find it quite tiring (physically and emotionally) caring for others all the time. I also work shifts so have quite long days at times.

I feel bad about working, I feel bad about leaving my dd at nursery, I feel bad about self harming (although have stopped, major guilt), I just feel a bit of a failure a lot of the time.

Urgh. Am usually quite happy, and not wallowing in self pity, just having a bad night! Honestly DO feel a LOT better than 6 months ago

OP posts:

yurtgirl · 10/10/2004 20:45

Message withdrawn

MummyToSteven · 10/10/2004 20:47

jenni - do you feel ready to be discharged from your mental health nurse? Are you on ADs atm? I think with depression, like any illness, you have good days and bad days tho - so today might just be a freak bad day whilst on your way back up - if you continue to feel like this for the next few days without something obvious like PMT causing it, it might be worth going back to your GP. the guilt thing sounds like a symptom of depression to me. I am sure (as with any mum who works) you have good financial/personal reasons to work - which you don't need to justify to anyone (tho of course the world and his wife will, as with anything child related, offer their unsolicited opinion). About the self-harm - at the end of the day it's been the way that you cope with bad times. Some people drink/take drugs/gamble/sulk. Just that self-harm I think is unfairly stigmatised (especially given that the person it harms is you rather than anyone else). Feelings of guilt can only fuel your depression.

Have you taken any time off work sick? Have you had any chance for a break? Is it possible for you to reduce your hours at work at all?

unicorn · 10/10/2004 20:49

well feeling better than 6 months ago.. that's a big positive then!

Don't expect too much of yourself, sounds like you have been to hell and back, and you are doing brilliantly.

We all have downers..(but naturally you need to keep tabs on things)
what/who do you think could help you the most at this particular time?

Original poster

Jennisaurus · 10/10/2004 20:55

I actually do/did feel ready to be discharged, I have bad days and I guess today is one of them, I get frustrated more than anything.

I am not on ADs, because I am not depressed, I do have a fancy diagnosis, but its basically just issues!

I really really love what I do, and for that reason alone I don't want to reduce hours (also need the money) I just feel guilty about that, and because I am a loser I don't cope as well when I have my bad days as other people.

I am just a bit tired and overwelhmed and whingy today. DH is out and am listening to music alone which never helps! Nobody I can speak to really apart from him.

OP posts:

unicorn · 10/10/2004 20:59

God woman.. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!
I have no idea about your history, but from all you have just told, you are a winner...
Look at all you have achieved,inspite of everything you have gone through..
You need some serious esteem building!

MummyToSteven · 10/10/2004 21:01

Hi Jenni, sorry if any of my comments upset you - not what I intended, and also sorry for assuming depression as the diagnosis. It's great that you love your job - and where would the NHS be without committed HCAs like you who do their job? I would reiterate that you do x many hours at your job for your own good reasons; as you have good reasons, you shouldn't feel guilty IYSWIM.

You are not a loser at all - you are a mum and do a difficult but absolutely essential job outside the home (as well as the difficult and essential job of mothering). Doesn't sound like a loser to me; more like someone who's past/upbringing has given then a wrong low self-esteem.

maybe listening to sad music and having a good cry might be just what you need atm - maybe you need a chance to let it all out?

Original poster

Jennisaurus · 10/10/2004 21:12

MummytoSteven I was not offended at all! I actually don't work THAT many hours, compared to other full time jobs. I don't understand why I find it so hard to work and have a baby, lots of mums do more kwim?

I do have v.v.v.low self esteem, which is an issue, find it very hard to convince myself that I am not some awful failure in life. I suppose I feel frustrated because 10 years on from where I started I am here again feeling low like not that much has changed.

OP posts:

unicorn · 10/10/2004 21:24

sounds like you are dealing with many unresolved issues...
I am no expert.. but you won't ever feel 'ok' until you can get to grips with what's made you feel bad (sorry if that sounds trite)

Counselling has helped me, (and helps many others) it won't ever make you feel a 'new' person.. but may help in getting you to understand why you feel so bad..and work out ways of dealing with it ( other than self harm etc.)

Apologies if what I am saying appears very naive to you..

I wish you well.

Original poster

Jennisaurus · 10/10/2004 21:53

I really liked counselling and felt it was v.beneficial. My mental health nurse said he always had an open door for me.

I know what makes me feel crap inside, but hate dealing with it Find that very very hard.

Thanks for being so supportive ladies, it is much appreciated!

OP posts:

MummyToSteven · 10/10/2004 21:58

jenni - work can be bloody hard - and motherhood can be very hard - so put the two together and you get bloody difficult and stressful squared! but it doesn't matter two hoots what other people do/don't find difficult - if you feel stressed by it, it's you that matter, not other people.

re:counselling. i think the problem is that you have (to sound really psychobabbleish) unresolved issues - i.e. that the fact that you feel really uncomfortable sorting them out is part of the problem - that the "issues" will only seem sorted out when you feel less bad about discussing them. if you still find things difficult, and your mental health nurse useful, you might find it useful to get more counsellling from him

a crying baby now summons me....

take care

MUMINAMILLION · 11/10/2004 22:44

Hi Jenni, just read this and am so for what you have gone through. It seems to me that you are on the right path though - you have obviously made big steps on your road to recovery so you need to really commend yourself for that!! I do agree with MTS though (as always - she is so wise) and it's possible these feelings are going to keep reappearing until you actually deal with your issues head on. Easy to say, but horrendously difficult and painful to do. I hope you can find the strength to return to your counsellor and follow through - it seems to be the only way, no easy answers it seems. Hope you are feeling a little better today though. xx

marthamoo · 11/10/2004 23:29

Jenni,
I'm sorry you are feeling so down again - it does sound like you need to talk some more - time to give your mental health nurse a call?
Don't see you around so much these days - can't believe Evie is nearly a year old!
I hope things start to get better for you soon xx

Original poster

Jennisaurus · 12/10/2004 14:19

On Monday I came down with a nasty throat/ear infection so I think that might explain why I have been feeling so down!

Thanks again for all the support, I might give my mental health nurse a call soon, we shall see

OP posts:

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