If you were beaten by parents, what's your relationship with them like as an adult?

[stirling]

Hi,

I just wondered how others who may have had an abusive childhood related to their parents now.
I was beaten regularly by my mother. My other two siblings were untouched their entire lives.
My mother was never remorseful. She refused to speak to me after the beating for an entire week. My crimes were often the fact that I was "crying for no reason" or fighting with my brother.

My dad was more loving towards me but he once lost it with me and beat me aged 18. He threw me to the ground and kicked me. But the remorse he showed for days afterwards was unreal. He was mortified. He'd never lain a finger on my siblings.

At 21, both parents transformed into doting, loving, affectionate, supportive parents from heaven. They guided me through decisions and helped me onto the property ladder and make good practical decisions. They were supportive of both of my failed marriages despite the fact that they were not culturally acceptable. They treated my exes with kindness.

I don't hold any grudges or bad feelings, but this mystifies my therapists and friends.

How do you cope?

Yes I was. I was hit by my mum who flew into rages. She would throw things at me, hit me with things like hangers, shoes and once a meat skewer. I was hit around the head a lot and shouted at.

I am estranged from my dad and have been for a long time. He hit me now and again, threw a mop at my head, picked me up and threw me up some stairs. He was a drunk and very nasty along with it.

Unlike your parents mine didn't change. My mum doesn't stop criticising me, the last time she hit me, she elbowed me very hard in the ribs when I was in my 30s.

I wonder if you dissociate yourself (it's a condition) or haven't fully processed what's happened. They seem to have swept it under the carpet and both your parents were to blame as they both have a duty to protect you.

You sound like the family scapegoat and it obviously suits them that you 'don't mind' and have forgiven everything. No one can tell you how to feel about it, it was you that was beaten.

Thank you for sharing your experience 123, it's a very sad story. I don't know how I'd cope if mine hadn't changed. Ongoing criticism from anyone would be a reason to stay away.
I think what you said about my parents sweeping it under the mat sounds right but my mother remains in denial.

It's no problem. I still dissociate from it as in, I talk about it but it doesn't feel as though it's happening to me and that's something I'm working on in therapy.

Your mum is going to deny it, because she would have to admit to abusing her own child and your dad stood by and allowed that to happen.

It took me a long time for all that to sink in. The person I might have been, the anxiety I've had all my life, the things I could have done. I changed from this lovely sunny little girl into one that was shy and anxious. I now have complex post traumatic disorder and my parents continued to abuse me into adulthood.

I also blame those around me for standing by and allowing it to happen, relatives, teachers, neighbours who heard the screaming and smashing, who knew my dad was drink driving us. I now have fibro and chronic fatigue which is due to trauma. They made my life a mess.

Gosh 123, I'll admit your post had me welling up. I'm so sorry. Incredibly, I turned out the same as you - acutely shy and anxious.
What struck me most was the fact that we both have inflammatory painful/debilitating health conditions as a result. I have battled with intersticial cystitis for longer than I can remember.
One thing I've found to be incredibly helpful is a form of physiotherapy with a particular physiotherapist (her videos, her soothing voice) and the deep belly breathing you have to do. Does help enormously.
Counselling has helped me to release old trauma but I need to be careful as I sometimes leave the room feeling like a complete victim which is a bad feeling to carry about with you all week.

Walking in nature helps, forest walks etc.

I really wish you the best.