Something's got to give

[lostweekend]

I need some kind words. I'm a regular poster but have changed my name as I feel the need for a bit more anonymity for this. I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on living this life. I don't want to go into too much detail because I don't want anyone to guess me. I just need reassurance that I am not going crazy.

I just feel completely empty and sick all the time. I can't stop crying but can only do it privately and can't talk to anyone else in IRL because everyone around me is bound up in their own stuff and there's no way I going to contribute any more stress to an already crazy situation. I'm so trapped and can't see a way out of all of this. There is so much crap going on atm that I can't believe it will ever end.

And I'm SO lonely - that's the worst of it - I'm so lonely. I call friends and they don't call back. I can't talk to my family for reasons given above. And there's someone that I miss so badly and just want to be near to again but I can't be and I can't accept that and it's tearing me into bits.

My life has stalled and I can't move on for practical and emotional reasons. I don't know what's going to become of me. I can't see a future except this life, on and on and on forever. I put ds to bed every night and then sit in his room in the dark and just bloody cry and then come downstairs and pretend everything's okay and cook dinner and watch TV and all the time I'm just thinking HELP ME.

I'm sorry. I just don't know what else to do except ramble here.

Lostweekend - sending you lots of hugs. I keep writing posts out but dont think they're particularly helpful. When Im down, I find it very difficult talking to ppl in RL about it and for the same reasons you've given. My RL friends never contact me, its always me chasing after them and arranging nights out. I have to otherwise I never get out of the house. You sound very similar to how I was a while back, and when I went to see the doctor, she told me that I needed to try and make more of a social life for myself as the loneliness was affecting me. Can you try to organise nights out with your friends? Sorry if Im not much help.

Thanks tammy. Your posts are always very sweet. You are of course right about having to do the chasing sometimes. Trouble is my best friends don't live nearby and so nights out are not easy. But really all I want is a chat with them and they are always too busy anyway. I am sick of sending happy 'How are you?' texts and never receiving even a two-word reply. I am turning to a bit of a recluse because going out and talking to people just seems pointless and I feel as if building new friendships will just end up like my old ones have. What's the point? I see all these people my age so carefree and happy and I just think 'What the hell has happened to my life?' I never used to be like this but I am going under.

I know what you mean. It takes weeks for people to reply to me, and then when they do it's "how are you?" and Ill text back saying "Im fine, how r u?" and Ill get nothing! I don't really have any suggestions as I'm in the same boat. Do you know any other mums in your area?

Well, thanks for taking the trouble to reply anyway, tammy. Looks like MN is going the same way as IRL for me, but it was probably time I took a break anyhow. I don't think I'm going to be round here for a while, so I hope things take a turn for the better for you, tammy.

sorry to hear you're feeling so low lostweekend

I get the feeling you feel upset that you haven't had much of a response here - mn tends to be a lot quieter at weekends, so it isn't that people don't care or can't be bothered to reply to you.

I'm suffering from depression at the moment and can identify with how you are feeling - you need help and support to feel better. Have you seen your GP?

i agree with sm. it is quieter on here at weekends, but tends to pick up a bit in the evenings. xxx

I have only just seen your message as as have been studying and taking my daughter to a birthday party. I have posted sometimes and not got the reponse I hoped for and know that if I am feeling a bit down I take it to heart but as everyone says it is quiet at weekends I am sure that during the week you would have got more repsonses.

Lonliness is a horrible thing, I sometimes get lonely and other times am guilty of sending back the two word replies to texts as I don;t feel up to company or hvae too much on.

In the past I have been treated for depression and I felt very much like what you are describing. About two years a go I decided that i was tired of being on pills and waiting for non existent counselling so decided to treat myself. I thought my greatest problem was lonliness and boredom so I started a college course in the evenings, started some voluntary work and decided to be pro active in talking to other mums at playgroups etc. I am now a very different person, infact when I tell people I have sufered from depression in the past they are quite shocked. I also know what it feels like to have to put on a front and pretend everything is all right, the lonliest feeling in the world. I still ahve the odd day when I feel crap and want to hide away from the world yet because I come across as so confident and togther most of the time I feel relectant to let people know how I am feeling. It is a great release thought to admit to a few people how you really feel.

Maybe you could do something similar? As I don't know your real identity I don't know how old your ds is and if what I did is an option for you. Maybe you could say to a friend "I am lonely and it is making me feel crap" I am sure many of your friends feel the same and will value your honesty. Perhaps you could get in touch with an organisation like Homestart or Surestart and see if there are things in your area to help you meet people. Perhaps you culd volunteer for such an organistion. Have you met mums through MN meetups?

Hope I have been some help and you are feeling a bit brighter this evening.

me too, i really really feel for you. I feel exsactly the same most of the time. We get very good at covering up this but when every one has huge problems of their own and you dont want to add to them...who is there for you,who is there for me? Because we are so good at carrying on "as usual" and no one realises, we continue every day life...as normal.Plowing through. Then every now and then, i get a really good day, out of the blue,it may be for some small reason,but when it comes its great...do you have any good days at all?

Message withdrawn

hi lost weekend, only just had the chance to see and do a reply to this thread.

I agree with what previous posters said that you may well be depressed. Would you consider going to see your GP? Your GP may recommend anti-depressants and/or counselling, or may just want to keep an eye on you. Other things that can help you feel better are:eating and sleeping as well as you can, yoga/meditation/relaxation, a break from ds/domestic responsibilities, exercise, and some people swear by "alternative" remedies such as St. John's Wort.

I think it is worth trying to reach out to one or two trusted close friends, explaining that you feel down/need company. Sometimes people just get so selfishly caught up in their own lives that they don't realise others are struggling, but would be mortified/keen to help out. Also don't fall into the trap of assuming that every tom/dick/harry you see in the street has this perfect life, and you don't - that just plunges you further into the cycle of self-hate/low self-esteem. I'm sure as you can see from the number of posters with experience of depression/anxiety, what goes on under the social facade can be very different to what you see.

would you have the time to go to anything social like M & T groups/parenting groups etc? It can be daunting at first - but remember that there are relatively few people that you will "click" with completely - just coz you find at first that you don't seem to particularly get on with/like people that you meet at these type of things doesn't make you in anyway abnormal - just that the more people you meet, the more chance you have of finding kindred spirits.

take care

x

I'm sorry if my last post was a bit self-pitying. I am very fond of MN and have had great help here in the past. I'm sorry if I seemed ungrateful. This is very unlike me. I am usually one of life's copers, IYKWIM. Bad stuff happened, and I would just plaster on a smile and plough through it. I've always been an optimist. Now I don't even recognise the person in the mirror any more. I'm trying to make changes and look forward. But I feel as if my insides have been scooped out - that sounds bizarre but it's the only way I can describe this emptiness. I live with someone who suffers from chronic, deep depression and talks of killing themselves every day. I'm not at that stage yet and hopefully never will be, but I can feel myself doing the one thing I swore I would never do and that's letting everything slip through my fingers. I know I'll not let myself go completely but it's getting harder everyday to just keep my head above water. I have thought of going to see my GP but (and part of me knows how self-defeating this is) I can't bear the idea of half the family being on ADs. I want to cope and be strong without that. I just feel so sad when I think of how happy I was just a few years ago. Now everything is different and none of it in a good way (except for ds, of course).

Ramble, ramble. Thank you. It helps to know you are all out there. xx

Glad you havent gone lostweekend. You should go to see your GP, I was going to suggest that in my earlier posts, cant remember why i didnt, but anyway. I had a turn into depression at the beginning of the year. I was on ADs but only took them til I felt better with what was getting me down (dont think I finished the pack actually), and then I stopped and tried to carry on on my own will (if that makes any sense). I wasnt technically depressed, but I had my toes dipped in the pool sort of speak. I can understand it must be hard for you in your situation, but it is better to get help than to leave it to late. xxx

Lost weekend, I suffered from depression before I met DP and can so relate to what you are feeling at the moment. I often found that the people closest to me in real life were the ones who understood least. What I found to be the biggest help was a counsellor - she was great, and very non judgemental. Maybe this is an option as I can understand you not wanting to go down the AD route. Hang on in there girl, at least you have realised that something is not right and by posting here you have made a start in getting better

hi lostweekend. i didn't think you were being self-pitying. if you are in a down mood already, then it doesn't take much to make you feel downer - like feeling you are being ignored. if you go to the GP that doesn't mean that you have to go on ADs if you are averse to the idea - they should be able to refer you to a counsellor, or might even have good self-help suggestions (well not that that has ever happened in my experience but you never know!). Personally I see no shame in being on ADs. I regard a seretonin deficiency as being no different to a vitamin deficiency - as that's what depression is in many ways - i know a simplistic definition of something that can have many influences but ykwim (I hope!!!)

Living with a partner who is depressed (or has any other serious illness) is bound to take it's toll on you. Being the strong person can be overwhelming for anyone? Are you getting enough chance to get a break? Is your (I am assuming it is your partner/husband you are talking about) receiving appropriate treatment/support?
take care

Message withdrawn

Hope you have gone to bed feeling a little happier LW. On the topic of ADs please do not read my post as saying they are awful - they are not. For many people depression is a chemical imbalance as MTS said and therefore this needs treating just as any other imbalance or illness would.

I came off AD as I had been on them for a few years and I was facing the prospect of a bitter custody battle and felt ( perhaps misguidedly looking back) that I had more chance of winning if I could say I am no longer ill with depression hence I am not on medication. I was also incredibly crap at remembering to pick up presecriptions etc so my doctor thought I would be better off them than repeatedly coming on and off. However I would not have got to the position of being able to rebuild my life without AD if I hadn't started the foundations while taking AD. Does that make sense?

Sorry I missed this LW. So sorry about how bad you are feeling just now. FWIW, I have had to go back on AD's just recently. I was really reluctant because I felt I was just yoyo-ing, but really it's been the best thing I could have done. I feel so much better, which has made me realise how much I needed them. So please don't dismiss them completely, they could be what you need to help you get back on track and be able to face tackling things from another avenue i.e. counselling, BTC etc. But you are NOT crazy - if you are then we all are! Are there no MNers in your area that you could arrange to meet with? And I think someone suggested perhaps starting a college course or doing something you really enjoy? That is another thing that has helped me beyond measure, besides talking on here - and please keep doing that. Hope you are feeling a bit better today. xx

Hi MIAM. It's not that I think ADs are bad. I know they can be very helpful to some people. I guess it's a bit of denial in me, really - don't want to go there because it makes it all seem so much more real. Also my GP knows all about our family situation and somehow I would feel strange going to him for help for me as well as for everything else! I'm being silly I know.

I have got some plans for the future (going back to uni) which I am excited about although they do bring with them a whole new set of big worries and difficulties, and that's if it all turns out the way I hope! Unfortunately it's all a bit out of my hands now so we will just have to wait and see.

I think the loneliness is really the kicker in my situation. I feel very isolated and just have no-one to talk to. I never get to blow off steam, you know? and so everything is building up inside me like a pressure cooker. I'm under a lot of pressure to stay at home (when I'm not working) and not go out too much, so it's tough. I'm not much of a 'joiner' - have tried M&T groups but feel rather uncomfortable in them and now I work part-time anyway and they all seem to be when I am at work. I worry that ds is missing out because of me - maternal guilt, bigtime! I don't know any mothers around here and as I said all my 'good' friends are some distance away. I do feel as if I'm in that terrible spiral where you feel down so you don't go out or do anything, then you feel worse because of that, etc etc. I can see what's happening to me but all my energy is being expended elsewhere and there's nothing left for me, it seems. I feel as if I'm outside my own life looking in, some days.

But this message notwithstanding, I do feel a bit better today! It's the weekends that are bloody awful and really leave me feeling squashed, IYKWIM. Thanks fo your messages - it does help to rant away here if nowhere else!!

Glad you're feeling a bit better - good to hear. Going to uni hopefully will also stop you feeling so lonely I would have thought, so it can only be a good thing. It's funny about the weekend feeling though - I've noticed a few others who feel the same way as you do. Hope you have a good day. xx

hi lostweekend, im glad to hear you're feeling better. i just had a thought. im having one of those home start volunteers to keep me company when i go to groups so i dont feel on my own (as noone talks to me although i do try and talk to them ) and when im stuck at home. i have someone coming to see me tomorrow about it. depending on where you are, you may have the sure start programme near by and this might be an idea to help your loneliness.