Am I normal/loneliness and feeling like a loner

[crossroads1]

Hi all,

a bit of a strange post here but on/off for the past 10 years or so i have started to feel quite lonely. Im 32 and i feel there's something really missing in my life which i have always wanted. It isnt a boyfriend/husband as I am currently engaged, it isnt a man or a relationship - its friends.

I feel like i have missed the boat on a lot of things and it makes me feel really depressed. I want a friends group, a tribe but the places where you can establish this i feel like i have missed out on all because of my own fault. I could have lived out at uni and made a ton of friends but I chose to stay at home. I had a group of school friends when i was younger but everyone started to fade. I now have a lovely and caring fiance who is the life of the party, he has a lot of friends and everyone loves him - me included, and although he is bringing me into his friendship group a part of me resists because I feel they are his friends not mine. i dont want to impose (even though i know its silly) but I feel like ppl judge me.

I see people on social media who have had loads of holidays with their friends, hen dos (I doubt i could have one because i dont know who would turn up) and big weddings and birthdays - all of which i wish i could have done and could do in the future. I feel so stupid and alone some days when i see how other ppl have so many friends. Even throughout my jobs I cant seem to find like minded ppl. I am a sociable person and want to make new friends but I cant seem to find them (even typing that makes me feel stupid). It has even made me start to doubt my relationship - my fiance wanted to do an enagagement party to which i kept hesistating to.. in all honesty because I didnt know who would turn up out of my life. We had one in the end and it was great - i really like to go to events and to plan things but I feel Im lacking and maybe my fiance should be with someone else as popular as him. I dont want to be a downer for him. I dont even want to think about a wedding because of all the planning/people that come with it. 90% would be his ppl and 10% mine. and I dont want to restrict him but I do because I feel insecure, lonely and sad that I dont have a group of friends. Is this normal? Has anyone felt this way or am i just destined to be this way?

Hi OP, I'm almost twice your age, but could be reading about myself. All the insecurities about not arranging things, because "who would turn up" is me all over, and has been for many many years.

Have you had some counselling? I think it would be an idea to address these issues. There are practical measures, like Meetup groups, but it's the core feelings/behaviour that you need to explore.

I get this. I have a uni group and later made a mum group but the time in between I didn't make a single new friend despite trying lots of things. Making new friends as an adult is hard as I think real friends come from some sort of shared bonding experience. Adult friends can feel superficial and acquaintance like at best.

I won't tell you to join groups or volunteer because that didn't help me in the slightest. I'd consider getting to know your fiancé's friends, lots of couples have mutual friends and it might bring some opportunities to meet friends of friends that you could click with.

Hi

I read this too and it echoes how I've felt for a long time now. Don't know what to say now but I'm sure it will come to me later. It's an awful feeling though x

Hey, sorry you are feeling like this. From some personal experience, also others' experiences, I would say, keep trying! Keep being friendly and open, ask questions and share, suggest mini outings like a coffee or a walk. You may have to accept that you might never be the most popular person (often for no obvious reason), but you are certainly worthy of, and able to make, friends...
Try not to dwell on it all too much, as it will make you feel worse, more lonely and insecure etc. Volunteering or some other semi-structured activity might help.
And really don't worry about what you see on SoMe - most of it is crap, or a fraction of the truth at least. Most people have phases of feeling lonely, unpopular or have conflict or difficulties with friends/friendship groups - that's why everyone is so desperately posting the opposite and it's a sensitive topic for a lot of people!

And really don't worry about what you see on SoMe - most of it is crap, or a fraction of the truth at least. Most people have phases of feeling lonely, unpopular or have conflict or difficulties with friends/friendship groups - that's why everyone is so desperately posting the opposite and it's a sensitive topic for a lot of people.

^^

This..

Yep, I've felt like this for a very long time too. I have similar feelings about my partner, I feel acutely aware that I bring very few other people to our marriage. It has taken a very dark period in my life to really look at this and I am starting to firmly believe that we need to have pretty robust self-esteem to make good relationships, and I definitely haven't had that.

Hi OP I just wanted to say you sound lovely and please dont think for a minute think your fiance should be with someone else. He obviously chose you for a reason and loves you. He wanted a big engagement party to show off he was marrying you! I'd definitely get to know his friends as much as possible. Its hard making friends as an adult, I feel a bit lonely at times even though I have a bit of a group but I dont feel as close or connected as the rest of them.

Hey @crossroads1, I feel the same way about friends. I have a longing for a meaningful long term friendship and I’m worried it won’t happen for me as I’m getting older and older I’m 30 and every year it seems to get harder. Feel free to PM if you ever want to chat, same going to anyone else too. A little “loners” group would be nice 😊

Hi @imalittlethrowaway :) sorry it has taken me so long to reply back on this thread. How has your week been and everyone else?

I had quite a good week with a zoom drinks eve with my fiancé and another couple but I find myself in a pattern where I feel really down. It always seems to be after I have taken my dog for a walk in the evening. I seem to walk down the streets in my area where I have lived all my life with my mum and I feel like a failure. I remember all my friends who lived around the block and how they have all moved on - got married, had kids, bought houses in different areas - and yet here I am, still here, I have this awful habit of comparison and what I perceive to be 'success'. I used to have this unrealistic dream of moving into a mansion somewhere abroad and my reality just seems so mundane. I almost feel that if some of my high school friends or any friends still lived around here I wouldn't feel so bad as then we would all be in the same boat but I feel like I missed the boat. Just like I did with uni where I didn't live out or make friends. Whilst everyone seems to be living their life Im watching and wondering what I'm doing. But that isn't to say I haven't lived - because I have - I have a good job in the city, have travelled a lot and done everything I have wanted - but I get these moments where I walk around this area and get depressed because I think I shouldn't still be here. I should have done better things and it annoys me that I do this stupid comparison things (my married friends tell me to enjoy the time I have) or maybe its a yearning to go back to a simpler time - all I can say that it boils down to is that after these dog walks I come back feeling very alone..

I know just because ppl move away or have married doesn't equate to happiness which is ultimately most important. But this 'perception' of what it should be by a certain age or the assets you have and how its a competition is so damaging. I wish I could stop this thought process but it seems to by a cycle where I can't accept the reality or wish I had a different one, when in all fairness, the reality on paper that I have isnt bad at all.

hi @Lo5tcause thank you for your reply - it was so lovely and echoes what my fiancé has said to me many times in the past. He said he loves to show me off and is so proud of me of how much Ive achieved and how strong I am. I lost my dad recently to a long battle with cancer and throughout it all only got it through it because I felt a strangeness whether that's from my family, him or just me inside Im not sure, I know he loves me and I try to play down this insecurity a lot. But it almost seems heightened because he is so popular. My ex was a bit of a loner too so I never felt the need to 'keep up appearances'. We had a very volatile relationship and after we broke up I realised I want all of the things he restricted me doing ie making friends. I get angry thinking about the 6/7 years of my 20s that I wasted with him which are crucial friend-making times of life! That SOB.