DH and mental health

[Abitofhelplease]

Reposting here after no replies on relationships:
We've been married over 30 years, late 50s, kids grown up.
Over the last year or so, DH has become stressed/suffering low and negative moods, irritability etc. He was in a pressured job which he left at Christmas, intending to take some time off and work part time self-employed. Covid means that can't happen, but luckily we are not under financial pressure.
We have tried to work through it, the GP service has been hopeless, but I have supported him with resources I know about (I have had some training in managing mental health, much of it I use myself after also having worked in a high pressure environment).
But, this is now sucking me dry and he's not improving. Worse, I get the brunt of the negativity, irritability and, frankly, emotional abuse. I can't take any more and I've told him this, I can't be his only crutch any more.
He's very apologetic and says he'll change. I've heard this before though and nothing changes, he needs help from someone other than me.
I've asked him to move out to sort himself out (this may be possible, one of our DC has locked down with us which means their flat is free for him to go to, although said DC is trying to patch us up because she obviously wants us not to separate, even temporarily).
Any advice? Especially if you've been through this yourself and resolved it.

What's he actually intending to do to change? What does that look like day to day and what steps is he going to take to ensure those changes happen?

He can do all that from the dcs flat.

Let him go to the flat. Its temporary and means you can have some space from each other. These are stressful times as it is without having to put up with that from your partner.

Maybe the space will get you talking properly again.

Thank you. Yes, I hope the flat move would give us space for a while. The DC in question has to agree and hasn't done so yet, but it's all kids, even adult ones want their parents to stick together.

I'm done with trying to help him to be honest as it's wearing me out. These are things I've suggested so far: go back to GP (maybe get anti-depressants for a while), exercise regularly outside, meditate, see a counsellor, reconnect with his male friends.

All things (apart from anti depressants) I have done myself now or in the past.

What I'm not prepared to do is put up with any more of the behaviour that's slowly killing me. It is a mental health issue, but not one he's willing or able to get treated.

Could you move into the flat. He’ll know you’re serious then.

It's difficult for me to move, otherwise I would. I am still working and the flat isn't suitable for my work to be done from there.

Also, there's some DIY that needs carrying out in the flat which DH could do.. we thought this might persuade DC to agree. He would have been going there to do it anyway after lockdown.

Does HE actually think HE as a problem?
Is he the type to open up to a counsellor?
If not, it’s a waste of time

If he’s depressed, he’ll find it hard to find motivation, maybe short term antidepressant

I agree if dd says yes to him to go to the flat, then that might be a good idea, to give you both space and time for him to revalue things and maybe get himself together
Wether that be gp or counselling

I don't know what he thinks any more and I agree anti-depressants could help.

He's sorry for his behaviour but I know it won't change on its own. And I'm tired of trying to be his saviour, my mental health is suffering and I deserve better than the negativity and irritation.

Yes, he would talk to a counsellor, in fact we saw one together some months back and she was due to put him on a GP scheme for men's mental health... But she didn't follow it through and he hasn't chased it up.

He's only sorry for his behaviour because I've broken down in tears and said I can't take any more. At the moment, I wouldn't care if I never saw him again.

OP I'm going to use the broken leg analogy.

If he'd broken his leg, how would you help him? Ambulance, A&E, cast, follow-up, physio, recovery.

If he refused any of those steps you'd say he was being irresponsible at best, sabotaging his own health at worst. If he refused these steps, then blamed you for his increasing pain, took his frustration and pain out on you, you'd be allowed to get angry about the situation, call it abuse and leave.

But this is mental rather than physical health, and we're programmed to handle it with kid gloves, all hush-hush.

He's not even attempting any of the steps you're trying to support him with (which I accept can be a manifestation of his MH). He's throwing it back at you. Its not your responsibility to fix this for him - especially as you've talked to him about it and he acknowledges that things need to change. You don't need his permission to say when enough is enough.

Isn't there any way you can stay at dc's place for a while? Even if it's just for the weekend to give yourself a break?

I think you’ve tried. If you could stay at dcs for the weekend, asking him to move there Monday?
Talk to dc. Say I’ve tried for years and years and I get you don’t want us to split up but this is the only chance. I can’t help him anymore. If he doesn’t help himself we are done and he can’t be here while he does as I won’t take any more of the abuse he dishes out.

Thank you for your support.

It's moved on since I first posted.

DC was very unhappy about the flat move, so he didn't go, but I made it very clear to him we would split up if he didn't do something.

He contacted the GP and is now taking anti-depressants, which I think have begun working quite quickly, I seem to have the man I knew on his way back.

The GP referred him to a service run by Mind, which isn't counselling with a person but some sort of online course which sounds of limited value, although may be of some help.

Luckily we have basic private medical insurance and they are providing phone counselling.

He's finally starting to open up about what's been going through his mind, and we (the two of us) think it may be a form of PTSD - his job involved being at the edges of some very traumatic situations over a number of years. Hopefully a skilled counsellor will be able to help him work through whatever it is.

So glad to read your update. I hope he makes good use of the outside support he's accessed.

I’m so glad he’s trying op.