How can i change for my daughter

[Carm10]

Hi,
i have a 1 year old.I never had any maternal instinct, but she was planned and very much welcomed to my life. I have always struggled with anxiety and depression because of my childhood. As she is getting older i feel i am struggling more. To the point where i have shouted at her and say nasty things about her to my husband "she is very annoying tonight", or "i do my best and she just hates me". I have only said that in bad days, i have no patience and no maternal instinct apparently. Then i had some depressive days of no smiling, staying in bed. My husband is very supportive and a great father (more of a mother than i am XD). I just feel like i am ruining their lives. It breaks my heart that a baby girl grows up listening and seeing these things.

i always had negative thoughts about myself and having a baby just makes it worse. She never falls sleep with me, but she does with my husband and childminder (and i do the same than they do). I have tried to be patient but the constant crying makes me wonder makes me lose it and hand her to my husband. She also wakes up 4-6 times a night and i work full-time. im so tired during the day but i actually prefer being at work than being tired with her around me (i can't cook or tidy up because she demands my attention or falls and cries).

Any advice or online resources i can use? My GP prescribed sertraline but i kept forgetting to take my doses and it was messing up with my head. He never suggested CBT but i suppose its not a possibility at present.

The sertraline will really, really help, but you have to take it consistently. Skipping doses will make you feel awful. Set an alarm on your phone to take the pill every day. You can go for CBT too, but it's unlikely to have any benefits unless youve been on the sertraline for a few weeks.

It's likely that your DD is picking up on your stress and unhappiness, which is probably why she's less settled with you. Hopefully when your depression improves your relationship with her will too.

Oh honey.. Not much advice but I didn't want to read and run!
I agree it does sound like you need CBT...
I also wonder if you are too hard on yourself?
And need to be helped to relax and see what you do well..
You seem stuck in a downward spiral...

"she is very annoying tonight" doesn't make you a bad mother and its not nasty...
I guarantee she doesn't hate you... But probably picks up you are anxious...

Don’t give a second’s thought to what you say at the end of the day to your husband - means nothing!

I have a friend who is a pilates teacher, every morning she does exercises without fail and if she doesn't she does not feel right. Just an observation but seems to work.

Is there some kind of morning or evening exercise you could do?

@Changeyname40 i know you're trying to be helpful but if OP has depression so severe a GP has prescribed medication, a bit of yoga here and there isnt going to touch the sides. Exercise can be useful in alleviating depression, but only usually alongside other, more clinical treatment. Think of it like supplements and dietary changes along side blood pressure meds, or similar.

'A bit of yoga here and there'. And in a few words, an entire body of work was dismissed . Sorry if that wasn't helpful.

It’s like you didn’t read the OP @Changeyname40 tbh

Depression aside, the woman works full time is being woken 4-6 times a night and doesn’t have a moment to herself, not even able to cook or tidy.

And yet you suggest she starts self teaching Pilates. I mean do you honestly, honestly, think that was a genuinely helpful piece of advice?

Thank you for your replies :-) i talk myself out of sertraline every time i have a good day. Maybe i should take it at night since in the morning i forget even with alarm and then when i remember im at work.

Funny that you say about the exercise, i used to exercise 3-4 times a week, even until the end of my pregnancy. My husband encourages me to do so but im so tired that when i work out i am left with even less energy. not to mention that since the lockdown, my husband minds the baby when im at work , so when im at home he has to work so i don't have a lot of time by myself.

As my husband said, the things we used to do to improve or cope with my depression are not possible anymore. I don't know how to keep functioning as a mother if i feel crap inside, and there is no "time off" i can take at home if things become overwhelming.

For me, sertraline was a complete gamechanger, but you have to take it properly. Skipping a dose will make you feel ratchet, mentally and physically, as it fucks with your levels. Give it a proper, dedicated effort for a month, and you'll probably find that you feel much more in control.

Please don’t beat yourself up. I have 9 month old twins. There have been periods where I have really struggled and I am currently on Sertraline. It has helped me. I still have some low moments and some struggles but they are not as intense. It is not as bad now but I have shouted at my both my twins when I have been really struggling. It isn’t right but I am doing my absolute best.

I would consider going back to your gp and asking them to refer you for counselling/CBT. I have had counselling sessions and they have helped.

Please don’t doubt that your baby loves you. You are her world!

@carm10

I have been you until fairly recently. Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself.

You know it's a problem and that's the first stage.

Take the meds they will help, routine helped me massively, I do Cat Meffan yoga and run 30 mins a day.

I am building my relationship with my child slowly, I am doing more playing and reading and all sorts. It takes time.

Try to do something with her each day, a walk, a meal, bath time. Have your husband in the next room so if you get overwhelmed he can step in.

Some days will be good and some won't be.

The lock down gave me the opportunity to spend time building a better relationship and learning to be a mum.

It's not easy but baby steps.

I am here to talk if needs be.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow thats what happened to me, i had headaches, sometimes i would feel sad all of a sudden (i usually need a trigger or intrussive thoughts... ok, ill give it a try :-)
@TwinMum89 oh my god, you are
amazing for what you are doing.
@Theyweretheworstoftimes thank you nice to hear that it gets better.
having a routine helps but i feel i need more hours in the day to get things done.

Can anyone recommend a CBT website or app that is useful?

Keep the tablets near your toothbrush - you always remember to brush your teeth. Then taking them just becomes part of your routine, either morning or night. They aren’t instant acting, take a tablet and all will be well. Which is why you need to take them consistently every day.

I’ve found really nailing a sleep routine is a life saver. I didn’t exactly do cry it out but because I’m single mum I was tough. 6 months I suffered because she didn’t sleep well. Then it was own room, and pretty much I don’t wanna know you between 7-7! So just making sure she was fed clean and right temp then leaving awake, I put few toys in bed. Dinner long bath playing with toys, tv shows (night garden ect) then stories and bed.

Sorry none of that sounds relevant but it’s a game changer if you get it down. Then you get space! Like during afternoon naps or at bedtime.

Sometimes I’ve felt so down and struggled with my mental health but having that routine has helped enormously. Also leaving them in own room without you. Like watching tv. Bring stroller into the house. (Hello baby bum) have a cup of tea look after yourself. When you’re happier you’re then more present and happy with the child.

I also encourage lot of independent play, literally I’m a superviser. That’s my role. It’s mainly safety. Activities ect aren’t really my style. Get the toys out and sit back with a good book. Put music on in background. We have Disney for play, classical for sleep, Latin For eating, pop for dancing. Chill out for when I’m reading ect and she’s there. I do music training tho...so my dd knows what we’re doing ect... think I’ve made it up but it works

Stick with meds take every day.

I’m on setraline too, it saved me from horrible pnd. I finally sought help when my DTs were 8 months old - I’d felt that my dd hated me, that I’d not bonded with my babies, that I was a shit mum etc etc.

Once it had kicked in, the world became colour again, I felt that I was bonded with my babies, and my dd loved me. I no longer woke up dreading each day and the relentlessness of twin babies and their needs, life became wonderful again.

It took a while to get my dose right, I went up to the maximum of 200mg but am now on 150mg (increased a couple of months ago from 100mg when my dd was hurt and I wasn’t coping so well). I take mine at night just before I go to bed as I find it is the best time for me - in the morning I don’t have time/forget.

I’d definitely recommend giving the pills a try, but take them regularly.

@TwinMum89 mine are 2.5 now, it does get easier as they’re a bit older!

@carm10 it does get better but it takes work.

It's like training for a marathon, some days are good and some are bad. Some days are sunny and some pour with rain.

I picked reading to my child, I felt it gave me a distraction and I enjoy reading usually.

We bought a huge bean bag and we get comfy with a pile of books and I read them aloud.

At first I would read one book and then my husband would take over.

Now I can do meals, bath time, play time, go out with the trike. Sometimes I get overwhelmed but less so and I look forward to spending time together rather than dreading it and getting super stressed.

One step at a time

You asked for apps - this is NHS recommended, might be worth a look: www.silvercloudhealth.com/uk

Hope you're feeling more like your old self soon. Very small achievable goals, one morning, one afternoon at a time can help.