Hi everyone, I hope you are all well.
Basically, I need some advice on bitterness and how to stop it. It seems that I am in a constant fight against becoming bitter, due to hurts that have built up over the years, the problem is that I am generally the optimistic, positive type and it really doesn't suit me, nor feel good.
Several years back I began binge drinking on a weekend, whether with friends, sometimes alone. This peaked last year, whereby I started buying wine every other night, tese days I can take it or leave it, which is just as well, as after a few glasses, I am fun to be around, any more than that and the 'darkness' inside of me rears its ugly head.
Without trying to sound like a victim, I had a horrid childhood. My birth Mother left myself and my brother when I was around 5, my Dad remarried, my Stepmother treated me and my brother like animals. We were expected to sit in the same corner of our bedroom day in, day out, usually play with the same toy for months. My brother had a stair gate on his bedroom door til he was around 10, and she continued to shower us both into our teens. We were made to hold hands and walk in of the rest of the family until around the same time, which obviously caused bullying for us both at school. Stepmums children drank Coca-Cola, we were allowed on glass of water at tea time and no more. My Dad was rarely present as he worked long hours, and when he was at home, barely involved himselves with us. It alwasys saddens me when I think of the times he would have walked past my brothers bedroom to use the bathroom, with my brother sat in a cage like a trapped circus lion.
School was also not an easy place for either of us, we were both quite small and pale, and I suppose easy targets.
Roll onto adult life, I have had 3 lTRs, the first cheated on me on my 16th birthday and New Years Eve, the second, ,y daughters Father, habitually cheated, and my sons Father, whom I broke up with last year, frankly was the ultimate tosspot, my self esteem took a severe battering with that one.
I lost my Nan, whom I lived with between my birtj Mum leaving and my Dad moving in with the Wicked Witch of the North, 4 years ago, which, considering how much I adored her, did not seem to impact me the way it should have.
During one of my drunken binges, I messaged both my StepMother and Father simultaeneously, asking how they could have treated us that way. My half sister joined the conversation, saying that she couldn't believe I was lying about all this again and that I must be on drugs. Severeal months later, I posted something, that looking back was clearly tin foil hatty, and my brother responded the same way my Dad used to when he was disappointed in me as a kid- "I thought you were better than that", which, after a few wines, triggered me and caused me to blow up on him.
I don't really know what I'm asking. More needed to vent I think. I am quite self aware, and trying to keep a lid on it all, I'm just so angry at myself for becoming this way. The worst part is, I am in the process of joining the Probation Service as I really feel for those who have come from terrible backgrounds and strongly believe that many offenders (obviously not the types who are a huge risk to society) deserve support and a second chance. I have also worked in care, and really take it seriously, ie really try to take care of clients needs. I just dont seem to be able to treat myself the way I treat others, with compassion, empathy and respect.
Any advice would be appreciated, sorry it was so long xx