Please tell me if I am being dramatic.
I thought that PTSD was something soldiers got, victims of accidents or abuse.
But depression doesn’t cover my symptoms.
There is a massive thread on relationships, but in a nutshell, I reluctantly emigrated to NZ with my kiwi husband and kids 7 months ago, leaving behind a very fulfilling and comfortable life in London as well as elderly and frail parents. He told me last week he doesn’t love me and wants to separate but that I can’t take the kids home.
For the first 4 months I was desperately sad and homesick but somehow coped, maybe because I was busy with house, school, container arriving, Christmas. I enjoyed some things and had ok times.
But in February a switch flipped and my sadness turned to fear and dread. I couldn’t believe I was here, couldn’t remember how I sold the house, resigned, said goodbye and got on a plane. Everything now looked different and the pain was physical - heart pounding, nauseous, terror. It feels like I am in a coma but aware that my life support is being switched off an no one can hear me scream. DH is unsympathetic. Worse, angry with me for being sad, miserable, not conforming, while I feel like a trapped animal in flight or fight mode.
I have flashbacks to home dozens and dozed of times a day and anything can trigger them - using a dish I haven’t used since London, smells, something the kids say, anything on tv or radio that reminds me of home....
I can’t listen to music or look at photos, I am wearing the same few clothes because all my clothes hold memories, I can’t watch TV, look at Facebook, speak to friends at home in an attempt to control any triggers.
I can’t look ahead, even the weather to decide what to dress the kids in, let alone next week or month. I wake every morning at about 3am with palpitations, I have to go to bed early with the kids in my bed because I am scared of the dark and of being alone.
I can’t eat but am forcing myself because DD 10, noticed and that is the last thing I want.
I cry a few times a day, locking myself in a walk in wardrobe so the kids don’t know.
And this was before DH told me he wanted to separate and Covid 19 got so bad that it became clear that I might not get home to visit my parents for 18 months, therefore at all for my very sick dad.
I am seeing a GP on Wednesday but I came across a list of PTSD symptoms and it was a lightbulb moment.