Husband can't cope with me being unhappy

[Annaotherginplease]

I'm struggling right now, along with so many people, but I don't know what to do with myself. I'm usually pretty laid back and positive and spend my time planning and organizing things for us to enjoy as a family. Lockdown has really thrown me off course and although I've had ups and downs over the past few weeks, I'm well and truly feeling at rock bottom. I'm so emotional which is really rare (my kids have never seen me cry..eldest is 8.. it just doesn't usually happen). I have no coping mechanisms for this.. I just want to hide away.

I've tried to talk to my husband about how I feel and that I need something positive to plan for and look forward to. I have become a bit fixated on getting a puppy, which we've talked about in the past..he's sort of on board...but that's a side issue.

He has struggled with mental health issues for years and you would think that he would have a better understanding about what someone feeling like this might need. But it seems not. He gets cross, tells me I need to snap out of it, is distant, struggles to even hug me..I feel lonely. After another sleepless night he tried it on this morning, which was not met with a very positive response from me, so he stormed off on his bike at 5.30am. We haven't spoken about it yet, I don't know when he might be back, but I can't be the only one who needs to feel loved and cared for before giving it up right?

I am stewing and thinking that I will be waiting when he returns and leave the house for hours to show him we can both do that. Where would I go though?... where can I actually go in lockdown? It's not a solution, just feels like something to do. Anyone been through anything similar?

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you are struggling. It's so understandable and I should imagine difficult to take one day at a time when you are someone who likes to plan?

Is there something you can throw yourself to planning in the short term? Something like meal plans for the week, or a schedule of sorting and cleaning. Just a little thing to help you feel in control?

Has he returned yet? I wouldn't have wanted to be intimate either. For me, sex can only happen with my DH when I feel connected, loved and secure. Perhaps he thinks of sex as a way to reconnect? Either way, storming out is not the way to deal with it! If I were you I would take myself off out for the same length of time and go on a nice long walk. Do you have someone you can call when out and have a good chat with?

Sounds like you're both struggling with the situation. Whatever you do you both need to remember not to take it out on each other. Perhaps his going off was a means of removing himself before it escalated.

Sorry you are going through this op.
Funnily enough my dp is awful when I need help too! Like yours, he has had mental health issues so your think he'd be more supportive. When I try and talk to him I get "other people have it worse then you/us and they are coping". Nice.
I think its because they are used to us being positive and organised and generally " together". I think maybe my dp panics and doesn't know what to do, which makes him feel helpless and then he takes it out on me...
No solution really, just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

Op I could have written your post myself. My husband has also struggled with MH issues but now that I'm feeling very low, he's completely unable to cope. He gets angry with me and that in turn makes me feel worse, it's like a vicious cycle. My eldest is also 8 and like you, I've always been 'the one who copes' so trying to manage 3 kids and keeping positive has been tough. I can only really say go easy on yourself, try to do one thing a day that makes you feel good/relaxed and when things have calmed a bit with your husband try to explain that you're feeling vulnerable at the moment and maybe suggest some 'practical' things that could help. If he's not good at reading what he needs to do in a situation, maybe say that it helps to have more hugs, or to watch a film together, or to let you have a good cry, etc.
If it helps at all I'm here in solidarity, trying to keep my head above water and feeling incredibly frustrated and sad at the lack of support too.