Lockdown *Triggering* Memories

[GinnyLane]

I've already posted my story on the FWR board - the short version is that a "friend" raped me, and the PF dropped the case.

Anyway. I spent a few months at home after that. Terrified. Jumpy. Drinking far too much. Reliant on extra-dosing my medications to sleep. Self-harming, praying for death. Avoiding company. Loathing any knocks at the door. Begging the letting agent to only send female representatives to my home (which they ignored).

And now I'm furloughed, and at home. Again. And I feel like the progress I made in returning to work, re-entering society... it's all lost. I'm home, alone, with only my recurring nightmares to keep me company.

How do I move on from this? How do I accept that this is not yet another tax on being violated? Will this ever end?

I don't have advice but wanted to give you a handhold or virtual hug if you don't mind. Can you get in touch with some mental health service to help you address this? Perhaps MIND or something more local to you?
Am so sorry you went through this

Thank you, Ginger, that is very kind of you, and much appreciated.

I have been in touch with a couple of local charities//groups, but (understandably), there is a limit to the help they can provide during lockdown.

Again - thank you. You are lovely

The progress you made is not lost. You'll be able to do those things again, once this is over. You found strength in yourself to overcome what was done to you, & that strength is still there inside you.

For now, be gentle with yourself. Take good care of yourself physically, because you deserve it & so that you'll be ready for the good things you want to get back into.

Figure out what calms you, what you enjoy doing, who you could keep in touch with & how you'd feel most comfortable doing that (phone call? email? letter? Skype?). Order yourself something nice online. Learn to do something new. Read something you've always meant to read (if your attention span is short due to anxiety, try short stories). It really doesn't matter what it is, but find something you like doing that will make this time a little easier. Physical exercise can lift the spirits, & there are ways to get that at home (give it a go, no-one can see you!).

There used to be a popular analogy: that life is not a circle, on which you go through the same things over & over again - it's a spiral, so that although you've arrived once again at the point of being at home much of the time, you're actually on a different bit of the path. It's not exactly the same situation: things are different this time, & you're still making progress.

If you can't get outside help, you can always write out your feelings & keep a record of them. Doing that can teach any of us so much.

You've already been so brave. It sucks & it's unfair, as you say. You have an added burden which many others don't have. But you also have all the other bits of your life, & they're precious & will lead to more new things in the future. All the best to you.

Thank you, ifIwerenot - it does help to focus on greater causes, and I am reading a few classics as well as @CCriadoPerez

Invisible Women? I'm reading that too - it's brilliant, isn't it?

Yes I have War and Peace on the go as well, determined to finish it!

I totally understand what you’re going through. I was in a similar scenario where I spent a couple of months off work with depression and barely left the house. Lockdown is bringing all these horrible feelings back. If I knew there was an end date in sight I could cope.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing okay. My inbox is always open if you want to talk.

Thank you, Beauty, that is very kind of you. I hope that you are able to find coping mechanisms as well. Depression is cruel, and please remember that it lies.

I have started sewing face masks for DP and his colleagues, so I am aiming to keep busy, and to keep the memories at bay.

I'm sorry, I don't have much to add but didn't want to read and run

That's tough. The only thing I can say is that those are (I am conscious I have been having them) permanent perspectives on a temporary situation.

I am hopeful when we have some dates next week we can make plans.

Would some sort of short course of cbt help you? I have referred myself (wish I had at the start of lockdown) and the list is up to two months so whenever I get it (up to 6 sessions) I will use it for whatever I need help with at the time (hopefully the reintegration back into work).

And as you say being kind to other people is a lovely way to experience joy what a caring thing to do op

Thanks Blue - i was involved in CBT, but unfortunately it was incompatible with work in my area (has to be weekday group), and it was impossible to request female-only therapy. So I was sat beside male strangers, and asked whether or not I felt panicked in the situation. Um... yes...?

I continue to seek out positive ways to assist during lockdown, and I hope that I will benefit from that knowledge.

Best wishes to you

Are there any local lockdown groups you could volunteer for? Like delivering shopping and medicines etc.

Make sure you do go out every day for a walk(or two), shopping when you need it , go past a friend's house for a wave or whatever if you need it , keep in touch with people etc. Remember this is not you being overwhelmed or not coping.

Try to keep to a routine , maybe start a project you never had time for, do some online courses. OU has loads free at the moment on many various topics.

Your mental health needs are just as necessary and essential as food and medicine.

Hi Princess (love the name!) Thank you for your positive words.

Due to physical issues, I don't drive, but I have been in regular contact with my neighbour, and DP and I try to get any bits and pieces that she needs. We had never really spoken much before, so I know that I have a new friendship to take out of lockdown.

Snapchat is helping - a friend sends me cute videos of her DS, and I send wee nursery rhymes and things for him to watch.