Sad post

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Im not sure where to start or jow to simplify it all into a post just need it to be somewhere other than just me in my own head going over and over it again with myself.

Basically i have two beautiful sons who are my one and only reason for piling through this sh*t, my oldest is 8 soon to be 9 who im absolutely convinced has adhd but especially right now i cant go forward with that at the moment and just trying to get through each day my youngest is 2 and is a typical crazy 2 year old at the moment maybe slightly more crazy lol but anyway we live in a 2 bedroom flat both boys share a room and we dont have a garden so as you can imagine things have been extra hard to cope with recently, both boys with their different ages and needs is tough for example the home schooling is hard because my son cannot concentrate on any simple task he literally gets distracted and fidgets etc with everything he forgets something hes told less than 5 mins ago and obviously gets really hard to get things done along with my youngest running about playing etc, ive tried my best to get through different things like school work, play activities, baking, crafts, movies etc but still feel like im forever failing. Anyway along with this my partner (their dad) stays with us to atm and its just been making my own mental health even worse, he spends most of his time sitting on his phone scrolling through news feeds, if hes crabbit weve all to feel the atmosphere, he really seems to enjoy when i feel low and i cant get my head around it whenever ive opened up or at least tried to tell him how ive been feeling and why he shuts me down straight away mostly with defensive comments "well you dont make me feel happy" you dont do anything for me" etc. All i want when i feel like that and eventually try and talk about it is to feel cared for, for him to at least attempt to make me feel better or help. Im just moaning if i ask for a better lifestyle meaning for him to be just as much a equal parent as me it would probably make things easier if he was willing to help and put effort in but he wont hes watched me cry for hours countless times and just spouts about how its my fault and look at the state of me etc. Ive forgiven him and took him back after so many things (i know i shouldnt have now but i already have) hes been violent before and his words and mental abuse can be torture to me when im already hating myself anyway. His main issue although he doesnt always come out and say it its been said before and is obvious is about sex how i dont give him enough of it or dont do things for him that i should etc. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable now i never want to have sex with him and you can see he punishes me for that in different ways ive tried to explain to him its not my fault i feel this way if he was to make me feel loved and cared for of course id want to have sex with him but not anymore now the sexual feeling has gone a just feel sick when it comes to it and reminded of every single body flaw hes pointed out so many times that its just not a fun thing anymore. I feel crazy because everyday i wish that in my future i could just meet someone that geniually loves and cares for me for me who i feel in an actual partnership with not a never ending cycle of this. I really do just want nothing more than a normal happy healthy life for me and my boys ive made so many silly mistakes in the past and felt like ive matured now but stuck in this rut and i cant stand it i just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again give the boys what they deserve and be able to look back on this but it just feels like a dream most of the time.

Sorry for the rant and if this is too long just have no one else to talk to the now 😢

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds awful. When you say your parter (dc father) is staying with you atm does he normally live with you? LIving with an abusive partner is going to make everything harder.
What do you envision in the long term?

He has his own flat but hes been here since before lockdown it feels hard to get away anyway but now with lockdown it just feels even more impossible like im just stuck living like this unknown to anyone else, ive left before around the start of last year was the last time i left after he had been horrible and violent for a full week and i had managed to get out because his dad appeared and he took me and the boys to my cousins he still refused to leave my house for days and eventually i went to the police (third time since the begining) i sat their and told them everything its was mortifying at one point got a lecture from the policeman about going back he kept foning while i was in their and the guy answered and told him to leave he then agreed over the fone they took me to my familys and went over to mine to wait and get the locks changed they dropped off my keys and told me kyle had agreed to go in and talk to them the next day and that was fine with them (this after seeing bruises on my face and body and having to listen to my statement of what happened) after that he went in the next day didnt even put him in a cell straight into a room and given a can of cola and laughed and joked with him and wished him luck on a fight he had coming up he was then let away with nothing because it was my word against his an absolute waste of my time and energy, they connected social work because the boys were their and even the social work were disgusted at the way it was dealt with, my social worker at the time told me she had foned and left numerous messages about it but no one had got back to her, after that i didnt go back for months and months but was still receiving messages daily of abuse from him because he was given every right to, even when i was away from him i still wasnt getting peace from him he still played games when it came to taking the boys he ended up with full control of that if i needed the extra break they were getting dropped off straight away or if i was waiting on them back the next thing he was keeping them things like that i also found out that while he was hounding me with messages of abuse etc he was also sleeping with someone else eventually as it closer to christmas im not sure how i let it happen but he was back and although i was expecting baby steps it was more like as soon as his foot was in the door that was him here to stay again. His family are big numbers where im from and unfortunately all stick together they are the type that have their own rules for themselves but different from everyone else and he has been let away and more or less shown its ok to do what he does, my mental health although it has alot to do with this its also through other things too i believe i wish i could speak to a therapist or coinceller about everything, i wish their was more help for people like me and i wish i can bring my boys up to be as less damaged as possible 😢, i dont have the money to pack up and move away with the boys and feel like in this town im just left to suffer it until they are grown

Have you had a look at the Freedom Programme? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
Can you get in touch with Women's Aid? www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/domestic-abuse-services/
What do you want for yourself and your dc? What do you envision down the road? Do you want to be rid of him?
Abuse is bad for your physical and mental health as well as that of your children.

OP,
Your situation is abusive and horrendous. You need to pack up and leave with your sons. Do contact woman’s aid. They can get you free train tickets to a refuge far far away from him and your town.

www.womensaid.org.uk/new-rail-to-refuge-scheme-offers-free-train-travel-to-women-fleeing-domestic-abuse/

I will have a look thank you but the police incident has really put me off reaching out tbh, i was just treated like i wasnt worth help and was already so low, for my future i would love to be a nurse to bring my boys up to be happy and healthy to be open and honest with them about emotions etc, to hopefully have a house with a garden and a room each for them, to drive and take them days outs as much as i could to let them dream and support those dreams and to raise good kind men who are happy thats what would make me happy, i would love to be rid of him for good but how does that happen without taking them away from him completely, i know in the long run hes not going to do whats best for them he will continue to play games and control and cause drama its just hard to imagine being away from him in peace without moving away and not knowing anyone else and that option sounds scary too with my mental health i just want him to move on and grow up and do whats right by the boys instead of being so wrapped up in himself

OP
In many towns the police are dirty/corrupt. It sounded that way in how they mishandled your report of DV. You are definitely worth help and in need of help. I understand moving can be scary, which is why refuges exist. You won’t be on your own, you will have help and support to build a new life in a new town away from your abuser. Don’t give up on your dreams. At least call women’s aid and see what options they can offer you.

Thank you and yes i agree, its something id like to try and change in the future if i can get out my own situation because from own personal experience when you go to the police thats the massive step youve been waiting to take for so long and to pick up the strength to do that and then to be turned away it shouldnt be happening if it werent for my babies that would have probably been the end for me but i managed to keep going for them, there must be so many of us being let down by the system and its not fair, thank you i will speak to them when i can and see what they can help me with its just so tough mentally i can go days where im ok and keeping busy then it comes crashing down on me again