Feel that life's not worth living

[Wannaflyaway]

Hi, firstly can I apologise in advance for the negative post, but I am really struggling right now and could really use some words of support/advice. Basically I was feeling quite down about my life before the Pandemic, as I'm a single mum, have a dead-end job on low pay, and unhappy where I'm living (I moved up North which was a massive mistake as I can't find a decent job in the area I'm qualified in and so I'm stuck in a job with no prospects and the town I live in is really close-knit where everyone was born and bred and I'm a total outsider and have never felt so lonely in all my life) but one thing I had, which I don't have now was hope. I was planning to move away and get a better job and get a much better quality of life for my 4 yr old DD and myself. Now with Covid-19, all of those hopes have been destroyed. I'm feeling extremely depressed about life at the moment and think about suicide daily. The only thing stopping me is my daughter as i couldn't bear to leave her without a mum. I just feel that there isn't any end in sight to all of this. I hate the lockdown, social distancing, being terrified of accidently getting too close to someone in tesco and the glares i get off people because i have my child with me, queuing up outside supermarkets, sometimes up to an hour, with a whining 4 year old, having to work from home and look after/entertain/home-school my DD and keep on top of housework, being stuck in a tiny, cluttered house, with no proper space to work and listening to the workmen drilling outside all day as they install broadband in my street. I try not to read the news too much, but today I've been reading about what the future looks like and it looks so bleak. Some articles say that life will never return to normal, that we have to accept life like this in terms of social distancing etc is the 'new normal', the fact that we don't know how long schools will be closed for and even if they do re-open, they'll likely have to close again to manage the spread of the disease. I know they are working on a vaccine and hopefully that will be successful, but even if it is successful, it's 12-18 months away and it'll presumably take months if not years to roll it out. I honestly am so scared for the future that I see ahead of me and honestly think I'd rather die than to live such a limited, miserable, lonely and isolated existence. I just cannot see even the faintest light at the end of this awful dark tunnel and I don't know how I can go on.

I'm so sorry again for the negativity and for writing such a long post.

I’m sorry I’m not used to giving advice in this area but read your post and felt I couldn’t leave without replying (just stumbled across this while searching for advice on how to help a depressed partner)

I’m so sorry about your situation it sounds really hard and I can definitely understand why you’re feeling this way! It sounds like you have very little in the way of a support network which sounds incredibly hard with a young child even before all this .
It’s so great that you were planning your move and if it’s any comfort at all , I think that you’ll still be ablr to do all those things sooner than you currently think. I saw something yesterday on mumsnet coronavius board, it was a hospital worker saying how their ward was very quiet, and so many others said the same thing. It seems like the NHS is coping very well- this doesn’t seem to be portayed in the media and obviously the death figures are absolutely devastating, but the plan to help flatten the curve and help NHS cope is obviously working and so I can see the next phase of lockdown coming in next few weeks.. and they will want to reopen schools ASAP as their shutting has been found to not have as drastic impact on the spread of the virus as first thought. I think I read this a few weeks ago anyway!

I know it’s a really bad time to be able to get rid of stuff but is there any way at all you could do even the tiniest bit of decluttering? I know it would be the last thing on what seems like an endless to do list for you each day but even if you did for example one cupboard drawer over a few days it may help decloud your mind just that little bit.. I know surroundings/clutter can make a massive impact on anxiety.

Are you able to get out for a walk with your daughter at all during the day? I know you said you’re working from home too so it must be hard to find the time. You’re also now allowed to drive somewhere for exercise..

And anyone glaring at you for having your child with you when shopping is incredibly ignorant unfortunately . There is no other way if you’re a single mother. All supermarkets have asked for online slots to be kept for the vulnerable, so you’re doing your part by going to the shops despite it being extremely hard for you, and people who are glaring have no empathy sadly. Try your best to ignore them and just smile where you can!

I’m really sorry if this is absolutely no use to you but like I said I didn’t want to read and not reply.. also for what it’s worth I’m sure your little girl will be so proud of you, to be a single mother still working throughout all of this!!

Hi Wannaflyaway, it sounds like you have it really tough at the moment so I am sending you a huge virtual hug. You have tried hard to change things, moving North, and that takes real guts so even though it hasn’t panned out as you had hoped, be bloody proud of yourself. Not many would have been brave enough - you tried, rather than settling for something that wasn’t right. And if you can do that you CAN sort things out once lockdown lifts - which it will, hopefully soon. NO ONE has a crystal ball on how the lockdown is going to go, so don’t give too much credence to speculation. Just keep plugging away because this is as bad as it gets, so things WILL get better. Try reaching out by phone to family or close friends - I would want to hear if a friend of mine was feeling low. Hugs to you and your DD and sorry I can’t be of any more help.

Hello, Christmascookiesmmmm and Itslookinglikeabeautifulday thank you both so much for your lovely, kind replies. You have definitely helped me feel a bit better. It's good to know there are people like you in the world x

Hey OP, hold on tight for a bit, things WILL improve, there will be adjustments to lock down, restrictions will be relaxed over time...and a vaccine is coming. Just hold on and breathe You can still achieve your plans. You sound like a dynamic, practical person who gets things done, and the stasis is understandably frustrating the hell out of you...but hold on!

Remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s horrible you’ve had such awful, painful feelings but they’re not forever. It’s important to acknowledge how you feel and then give yourself a lot of self compassion. You’re doing great.

Believe in yourself and the future - things will improve. Sending good vibes to you and your DD.

Oh and get decluttering if you can - make some plans for now that you can achieve that centre around daily exercise and improving your home environment perhaps?