Is there anyone else who feels that they should have done/be 'more'?

[MeadowHay]

Wasn't sure where to put this. Please be kind, I know I have it far better than many, and this is just self pity I suppose.

At school I was an epic overachiever. My Asperger's went undiagnosed until uni and I developed mental health problems (depression, anxiety, self injury) in adolescence. Mixture of causes but partly due to bullying at school. I had a conditional offer for Oxbridge and by this point I was on ADs and having therapy and missed around a third of my schooling. I was still ambitious and had a specific professional career in mind. My Oxbridge offer was withdrawn as I missed out on one grade by a tiny margin and they refused to alter their position after reviewing evidence of my mitigating circumstances. I did the same degree course at my insurance uni. Decent uni but not RG.

I'm in my mid twenties with a toddler. I have a first class degree but have given up on any hope of the job I wanted as realised too risk and unlikely to be meet my expectations regarding work/life balance with my child. I was pursuing a slightly different career and had loads of interviews and always rejected after interview. I earn little in a job that is really boring with little prospect of progression. I was earning minimum wage less than a year ago. I feel that one thing of failing to go to Oxbridge through no fault of my own has left me here. My parents were initially so ashamed of me and now they just are disappointed. I was supposed to be someone, earn money and most importantly help people, that was the driver of my career ambition. Now I do none of those things and it feels like I never will. As I am aging I feel the time is passing me by and if I haven't achieved anything soon I never will.

Is there anyone who feels similar? Who hasn't lived up to their expectations? Will the pain ever go away?

I’m not dissimilar to you but my children are slightly older and I have a 2:1.

I’ve got a ‘professional’ job that I walked into after university and I’m undertaking further qualifications.

I also feel like I’m really under performing. I was having this chat with myself the other day when I realised I’m just the bottom denominator amongst my friends/relatives. Most of them are late thirties/early forties and are all multilingual (I am bilingual just barely), many have lived in several countries, all a very well traveled, they all have successful careers (obviously far more advanced than mine), most of them are super fit (I’m really really unfit), they’re all very knowledgeable about history/politics (I manage to hold a good conversation with them but often feel very ignorant in comparison) and so on. Several of them are semi famous to boot. Basically I’ve just been comparing myself to people that are extremely awesome and also have ten to twenty years on me.

In contrast my life is great. I have a happy family life, I’ve had a good amount of ‘adventure’ in my life, I like my job, I have friends that make me happy, I have hobbies that I enjoy, I actually am happy so long as I don’t start comparing myself to others at which point I start to feel a bit sorry for myself.

I’ve been most lucky in that I am surrounded by really supportive people who always show me love and respect. It sounds like you haven’t been as lucky. I don’t think it’s the failing to get into oxbridge thing that’s ruined your prospects, it’s your parents.

Also, no one achieves anything great (by their own standards) before the age of forty. Everything you do before that point us about setting yourself up to do that thing that will be the pinnacle of your achievements once you’ve had the time to accrue the necessary knowledge, contacts, capital etc.

Completely relate to your post. My sister passed away when I was 18, at the pinnacle of starting out on my life, studies, career etc. I was also a massive over achiever, and I was determined to do well in my A'levels, so I effectively suppressed all the grief over her death in order to get the grades I had worked so hard for. I got a place at Warwick university to study law. As soon as I left the security of home, I crumbled. It was like all the pain and grief came pouring out; I drank too much, slept all day and barely opened a book. I was out of control and deeply, deeply depressed. It was so out of character for me, not applying myself to my studies or even attempting to. I dropped out after 3 months and went with my tail between my legs back home where I sank into a severe depression. I felt like a complete and utter failure and berate myself everyday for not pushing myself. But I was broken, I was exhausted, I was hurting. It was like all the effort and will I put into getting the grades I was predicted at A'level finished me off, coupled with the repressed grief.
The next few years were a turbulent mess of working random jobs, applying for courses, starting them and not finishing. I simply had no energy to participate in life and have suffered with depression throughout my whole adult life.
Eventually, I completed my nursing degree at the age of 31. I am 34 now. It was only after having mu son that I found the strength to somehow finally complete a degree. However, the high achiever in me ( well the past me) haunts me ; I still don't feel good enough and in some way feel nursing is not really what I was meant to do. I actually didn't want to be a lawyer, I felt pushed into it by my teachers as I was so academic, but I had hoped by now I would be financially well off and working in a very academic role. I wish I had done psychology, even medicine, but I simply do not have the stamina for this. I also have chronic health conditions and am currently on long term sick, so again, plagued with feelings of being a failure and a let down.
I'm not sure I have any constructive advice to offer. However, what I have come to realise is that life often leads us down a certain path for a reason. If I hadn't had my son I wouldn't have found the strength to complete my nursing degree. If I hadn't worked in a care home, I wouldn't have realised I was meant to have a career with meaning; they say that you find yourself in the service of others, perhaps this is true. Prestige and academia are not the be all and end all. Life is full of twists and turns and the 'perfect' life doesn't exist, well I don't think so. I try not to beat myself up about the past, but I do still battle to reconcile the person I am now to the person I once was. Ruminating about the past is hard to overcome, but try to focus on the present and your future goals. Age is just a number. Many people in my nursing cohort were over 40, we had one lady who was 58. Although I am quite unwell at the moment with depression and other issues, I hope to start studying again; maybe psychology.
Please don't let anyone make you feel you are not good enough. You absolutely are. Academia doesn't validate you as a person. Sorry this turned out to be so long! I just couldn't read and run and wanted you to know you are not alone.

Thanks both. The thing is I don't mean I want to be amazing or a hero or earn tons of money. My husband earns circa £30K in a professional job in the NHS. I would love to earn around that amount of money, I earn half that. I'm not after big bucks, I'm not after senior leadership, nothing like that. I just want enough money to feel that I'm not being massively exploited by my employer as I am now. I want a role where I can feel proud that I am making a positive contribution to society. I'm not doing that now, my job seems so pointless and just benefits big business. I'm not after a miracle at all, I know I will never travel the world or become a supreme court judge hah and I know I chose to have a child so some of that was me changing my priorities. I don't want to work myself to the bone and have loads of money, I want a good family life and enough money to buy a house for our family and have a foreign holiday once a year or even once every two years. But I just don't seem to be going anywhere atm.

I was considering retraining into healthcare but then I have additional complex feelings about this because my parents always wanted me to take science a levels and do medicine or something similar. I refused and if I had done that I would be much better off now. And if I go back to retrain I wi never hear the end of that too, 'i told you so'. I was thinking of midwifery but then I would have to take a second student loan out for tuition fees which doesn't seem worth it/viable long term with the repayments. Plus I would need a science a level or an access course which I would need to pay for. And I'm not even sure I could hack it anyway. Or paediatric nursing - I don't need any science a levels for that. But I don't know if I'm resilient enough or have the hand eye coordination for manual skills...and also it's just not what my heart is set on doing. I want to do the career I always wanted to do since I was a teen, that I studied so long and hard for, but nobody will give me a training place, so I can't qualify.

You’re still so young. My career was fine - post grad job and then after I had kids, I couldn’t see a way to progress. I ended up with the job I’ve always wanted a few years in. Honestly, things can absolutely change.