30 and no friends

[CCID]

I am a 30 year old woman. And I think there is something wrong with me.

I dont have any friends..at all...I can make friends pretty easily but after a while those friendships seem to fall away. There isn't any arguments it's just that every friendship over time just gradually ends through lack of contact, sometimes it me and sometimes its them.

All my old school friendships began fading after uni and the one friend I do see every three months or so is more like an acquaintance and we only check in with each other as a habit. I had friends in uni but again those fell away pretty much straight after uni.

Every work place I've made friendships that have lasted whilst there however when I leave, the friendship goes aswell. And whilst I do always manage to make friends I always seem to find people wherever I go who just take and instant disliking to me. I genuinely dont know why but it always happens when I move into a new situation.

I ended a 5 year relationship last year and I have taken the time to take stock of my life....and I find the lack of relationships really lacking and sad.

I've also started having flash backs of bad memories from my schooldays and instances where I did something completely out of charachter and was mean to someone (there are 5 memories I keep thinking of were I hurt someone through me being mean to them) and I completely regret my mean words/actions but genuinely I'm not a nasty person. I hate that in those 5 instances over a 10 year period I was mean but in reality I know most people will have been mean at some point and have said things that they've regret but they move on and move past it. Why is my mind making me think I'm a horrible human being. All my mind does is focus on the negative things in my life and never the good and after realising I have no real friendships my mind has started recalling any little thing I've ever done that could be looked at negatively (even when I've spoke to people about my memories they reassure me and say that it's ridiculous that for example I once asked to move seats on a school bus because a boy who fancied me was making me uncomfortable and I wanted to move to be near my friends but because he was sad my mind says I'm a selfish and nasty.

I feel like I'm a freak honestly. I think there is something wrong with me and my self worth is at an all time low. It's funny because people say I'm fun and funny and always super friendly, but inside I'm actually really lonely.

My family says it's not me and just circumstances that have led me to not having friends but I know that's not the case. I just wish I could figure out what's wrong with me.

Aw OP you sound really lovely. I have also experienced making friends at work then losing them as you move jobs, I think that's very normal but it's really hard. Just to play devil's advocate, do you think you are making enough effort with people? Do you contact them regularly, suggest things to do or places to go together? Also have you ever told anyone other than family about this? What about mentioning it to the friend you meet up with every few months, they might be able to see you more regularly or include you in plans with other friends. I would also say you are possibly someone who could do with a bit of counselling to help you process some of what you're experiencing. for you.

OP, This sounds like anxiety. You can self refer for therapy if you’re in England - CBT is helpful for getting out of the negative thought cycle that you describe. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

Your relationship would have taken precedence for the past five years so it’s not surprising that your friendships have receded in that time. Now is a good time to reconnect. WhatsApp the friends you miss and check how they’re doing in lockdown. Let them know your news. Set up a zoom gathering if you used to be part of a larger group. Hopefully once you start talking to old friends you’ll remember why you liked them and you’ll be able to build some more positive thought cycles.

You sound lovely! I can hear it in your writing :) you also sound like an over thinker (familiar to me), and a bit anxious.

Do you show your vulnerability to people? Or put on a brave face? Maybe talk to a counsellor, get some ideas on how you can do things differently.

Is there someone you could pair up with for regular walk? Tennis? Movie? Book club? Put out an email to acquaintances asking if anyone keen for a supper club?

Being lonely sucks. Can you do more stuff with your family?

Im 27 and im the same. Give me a private message. I can be your friend

Where are you OP? I'm a similar age. But everyone loses friends as they go through different stages in their lives though, you're not alone there. Especially as you admit that's partly down to you some of the time. Long term friendships require a lot of effort and they only work if both parties commit a similar effort.

I’m 31 and the same! Message me too :) we can all be friends together :) xxx

And me! 28 and feel the same.

40 and the same. My best friend got upset as I couldn’t come to her 40th birthday as I had no childcare as my husband had recently died. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ Since then I have been on my own, no one wants to hang out with a widow for some reason.

You sound very kind and thoughtful; as others have said it's your anxiety making you think like this - it lies to you. In life nearly all friendships come and go, that's just the nature of things. Sometimes you might stay friends with somebody for .long time but even then the nature of the friendship will change over time. Your friendship patterns sound completely normal. You should try to get some help for your anxiety though as this will make you happier.

Definitely, we should all be on a WhatsApp group together to check in with eachother haha x

27 and the same 🙋🏼‍♀️

31 and the same!
Always had a big group of friends until my early 20s and then suffered with bad anxiety for a few years and lost contact with them all. I moved away to live with my DP and have struggled to make any close friendships with people x

32 and the same! I agree that it's circumstances CCID.

Oh Widowodiw, I'm so sorry.

You sound a lovely person to me OP. I relate to all that you say. When I hear colleagues talking about friends they’ve had for years and years...I just think how is this even possible! I don’t think it’s anything you’re doing wrong,so don’t beat yourself up about it x