wish I could be normal

[CatRamsey]

I feel so useless and lame. I've been depressed probably since I was 14 and I'm 24 now, but things just get worse and I genuinely don't see any point in living anymore.
I live by myself and don't have any close friends, but I'm very close to my mum. I usually spend a lot of time at hers and would go to hers for food most days. She comes here often too and whilst here would potter about cleaning and tidying. I always beat myself up for relying so much on my mum.
Well now lockdown is forcing me to do these things for myself and I just feel shit that I'm so incapable. I'm 24 years old and still need my mum to clean after me. Some days I manage small tasks like loading the dishwasher or putting some washing in but only because it's got to the point that I have no clean dishes or clean clothes. I may sometimes make basic meals like pasta or beans but most of the time just pick at unhealthy food. I can't move in with my mum as I have cats here who obviously need to be fed everyday. My mum also has cats and mixing them wouldn't be an option.

I've seen so many counsellors, therapists, psychologists over the years and been on many different medications. I truly believe nothing will help me become an ordinary 24 year old capable of doing every day things.

I try to get myself into routine, but if for example I set my alarm for 9am, I end up sleeping through it, or turning it off in my sleep. Or I'll wake up and go back to sleep. And then wake up late and beat myself up all day. Alternatively I don't set an alarm and wake up whenever and I'm generally more chilled, but that defeats the point because I'd have wasted half my day.

I hate myself so much, I truly am a vile disgusting person. I have put on a lot of weight in the last couple of years and I don't recognise myself anymore. I keep saying I will do something about it but I feel like one of the only things that makes me happy is chocolate or sugary treats. There's a guy that I'm interested in and I just keep thinking how although we get on really well he'd probably never think of me in that way because of how repulsive I am.

I don't know why I can't bring myself to do ordinary things. I'm not into makeup and drinking and partying like most people my age are. That usually doesn't bother me but I just wish something about me was normal. I think I'm just lazy or maybe just so used to having my mum do things for me. It's pathetic :( i thought with lockdown forcing me to do things it might help but it really doesn't, but then my mum doing things for me doesn't help either so what do I do?

Sorry for the ramble I'm sure there's loads more I have to ramble on about but just need an outlet.

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. It must be hard to be living on your own with depression, feeling so miserable. Have you asked your Mum how she would feel about you moving in with her? It sounds like you need more support on an emotional level. I would suggest you try to start with small things. Set yourself a target every week and then review it at the end of the week. Perhaps start with your washing. Put your washing on once a week on a Friday for example. Just concentrate on doing that, and if you achieve it, give yourself a mental gold star. With food, try to plan out what you will eat each day once a week and write a list of what you need. Eat simple food which is easy to cook but nutritious. Try to have one decent meal a day which is healthy, and don't buy food which you will binge on or which isn't healthy.
If you can manage these two things, or maybe one of these things every week, then build on it. Add extra targets in every few weeks once you are in a routine. Praise yourself if you achieve them. Don;t measure yourself by what others are doing, just look at how you are moving towards a more positive state of mind and how you are coping better.

Lots of people feel as you do, and there are many who don't like drinking and parties etc. There is no such thing as 'normal'. When you're feeling better you can think about how to find like minded friends, but start with the practical stuff.

I would suggest you try to go to bed before a certain time each day and make yourself go out and exercise for an hour. There are lots of mental health benefits to sun and fresh air as well as physical ones.

Read books which make you feel good, don't watch the news or negative or adrenalising stuff on TV. Focus on the little things - a cup of tea, the birds singing. Write a gratitude diary each day of things to be grateful for, even if it's stuff like having a lovely mother in your life. Look for the positives.

I would think about rehoming your cats and moving in with your Mum, but obviously it isn't a simple decision.

Self hatred and feelings of pointlessness are obvious signs of depression. Have you been to the GP and asked for help?

Do you live near your mum? I’m wondering if you could move in with her and walk home to feed your cats every day as your exercise.

As Rose says, there is no such thing as normal. Ok, so you don’t like drinking and make up. That makes you sound more interesting in my opinion than someone who lives for either of Those things!
Have you got any hobbies or interests that you find soothing/engaging?

I know you’ve said you’ve had a lot of therapy, but I wonder if you’ve had DBT? I started it in My late twenties and it turned my life around pretty much. (After unsuccessful attempts with other therapies and medication).

Your post is full of judgement against your self. Learn to recognise when you’re being judgmental- it is unhelpful and reinforces your negative self image every time you do it. Check the facts- we are in a global crisis, your support system has been shaken, you are finding it difficult. That does not make you weak or a bad person, it is perfectly understandable to be struggling now, particularly if you were struggling before all this kicked off.

Hope you’re ok

thank you both

My mum (and family) would be more than happy for me to move in with her for now but I don't feel it's an option with my cats being here. I did consider what @cyberworrier said regarding coming to feed them every day as I do live close but it's not something I particularly want to resort to. Overall I'd probably be more miserable at my parents place because ultimately there is nothing to do there and I would be even more bored than I already am.

I do try and set myself targets but beat myself up something rotten if I don't meet them. Alternatively I try to be kind to myself and let myself get away with not doing them at all. There is no in between.

I don't really have any hobbies or anything I enjoy doing. I do spend most of my time on my computer and game quite a bit but even that feels less enjoyable to me atm.

I've not heard of DBT, what is that? I'm open to anything!

Right now I'd say there are only two reasons I am staying alive:

1. I don't have an easy way of painlessly ending my life. Always thought I'd take an overdose but I know the amount of medication I have access to isn't enough to kill me.
2. I can explain to my family, but can't explain to my cats if just disappear. And they are so precious to me. Truly the only thing keeping me going.

Here’s a link explaining what DBT is.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/dialectical-behaviour-therapy-dbt/about-

It may not be what you need but I found it really helped me to learn how to cope with life and become more at peace with myself and eventually even happy.

I’m concerned by what you’ve said. Please contact someone, Mind the mental health charity, the Samaritans, your GP, or your mum, about your extremely low mood. Your family love you and need you- and of course as you say so do your cats.

I can see why you don’t want to move to your mums if separation from your cats will make things worse. But if you’re self isolating and so are your parents, maybe you could just go for a short stay every now and then, popping back to feed the cats. The police have just said that people can go for short stays at other people’s house if it’s needed because of arguments- if that’s allowed you certainly should be allowed for mental health reasons.

Being with your mum would be good for you, it sounds like.

It is hard setting targets at the moment for us all as we don’t know how long things will be this way- for you it must be hard as you couldn’t challenge yourself with some new things (eg going to gym etc) even if you wanted to! So please be gentle to yourself.

That said, it would be a good time to explore new hobbies, maybe see if anything does interest you. People are trying learning a language... doing mindful colouring in.. all sorts.

But most importantly please reach out for help, it is hard to do but your family and cats need you to be well as they love you.

thank you @Cyberworrier. That link doesn't open but I was able to find the page. It sounds like something I could be interested in. I'm with the primary mental health team at the moment and they only ever seem interested in offering CBT.

I am also a part time higher education student, classes are currently running online, and have a lot of coursework. This sometimes could be considered a hobby as it's things I want to learn but also the amount of coursework and impending early May deadlines are causing me even more stress! But I suppose thats to expected with any type of study.

thank you again for your kind words :)