Parenting. Will I f* it up like my parents?

[Nasa89]

Last year I had a baby, a conscious decision when I was feeling positive and well. Baby is 11 months old and I see myself doing things I would never want to do in front of my child: getting angry with her (for not sleeping), crying just lying on bed in the middle of the day etc.
I was brought up with an abusive authoritarian father. As a result I have anxiety, I feel all the time that nobody cares about me and my needs are not met, I have 0 patience and if I lose it I’m very emotional, angry and unreasonable. I hardly feel like an adult at all. I look at my daughter and I think how unfair it is that she has such a bad mother. And how the cycle is repeating (I’m not as aggressive but hurtful all the same). :-( this is my only chance to make out of this baby a happy human being and I throw it away by being so angry, anxious and unreasonable. If I only had the coping skills that other adults seem to have...

I have a similar concern - i have a history of appalling depression that still rears its head every now and then and I'm very worried about passing it on to my daughter.

SO I've done everything i can do to get better. Therapy, medication, open communication with my partner about my worries, etc. Make sure you're getting the help you need to combat your issues.

similar upbringing, and i can absolutely relate to your emotions.

maybe the things that helped me might work for you:

• therapy. quite a lot of it. The best therapist I ever had, and helped me the most, was unfortunately rather expensive, but I realised the value and cut back everywhere else. I think it became so painful to feel what I was feeling every day, that I just had to stuck with it. I tried 4 different therapists till i found one that made a real difference, don't hesitate to walk away from one that doest feel right.

• Free information online. Its amazing how much it helps to read about family dynamics, control, narcissism. understanding the dynamics between abusive parents and their children helped, it felt like the scientific proof it wasn't my fault.

• find a therapist that gives you exercises like going back to a childhood situation and talk to your inner child in a kind way. it really helps.

• remember that you want to break the cycle, so your intentions are good. be kind to yourself, and acknowledge that what you are doing is difficult.

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.”

Larkin.

@Statistician999 so true! Sounds like something I would have written a few years ago (if I had the talent 😂)
I had a good therapists for a couple of sessions due to postpartum depression. However I don’t know if I’d be any good at it now. I’m struggling to reply to this message with a baby calling for me and stealing my phone

I wasn’t any good for all of these exercises when I had the Time 😞

All parents feel like you do some of the time. Or at least, all sensitive, thinking parents do. It is a hard job and it is sometimes overwhelming - especially so in current conditions. No parent ever gets it completely right. And sometimes those who look as if it is all effortless are struggling just as much as you are. They are just better at hiding it.

It does sound as if you need to get some support. You do not mention a partner. Is the father around? If not, do you have a friend or a family member you can talk to? You can Skype if you are worried about social distancing. Sometimes though, in your circumstances, it may be better for a friend/relative to come over and baby sit for a couple of hours despite the corona risk.

Call your GP surgery and explain how you are feeling. They are still working despite the crisis and they should be able to help. If you were offered therapy in the past they may be able to reactivate it quite quickly. They may also be able to put you in touch with trained volunteers in the area who could babysit for a couple of hours if you do not have friends and family around. In the meantime, if you are getting really upset over her not sleeping just put her in her cot with a toy and walk away for a few minutes. She may scream but she will not come to any real harm. If you can calm down yourself she is much more likely to settle.

Remind yourself that your DD is lucky to have a mum who loves her like you do.

You are suffering from Complex Ptsd brought on by an abusive childhood.

Please check out Richard Grannon on Youtube who talks about this. He also highly recommends a book by Pete Walker called: Surviving to Thriving Complex Ptsd.
You can buy it on EBay.

You should also research about childhood emotional neglect.

You have recognised that you don’t want to be a parent like your authoritarian father, so you can change the way you parent.

I suggest you look for some counselling, you might be able to get some Skype sessions.

Your father was probably narcissistic and controlling. You have been through a lot. (Research narcissistic abuse)

You can do this! You can be a good parent and enjoy being a mum to your LO.

You have to unlearn some behaviour that you see in your dad and replace it with positive energy.

Stay strong 😊

my Husband is great but he is trying to work from home. However I end up going to him crying and he is not getting much done. Not to mention that I work 3 days for the nhs and he is minding her those days. I feel stressed at work (redeployed to an area that is not my expertise so I feel pretty useless sometimes) and at home. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to be left alone in my room. I was prescribed sertraline a few months back but I stopped as I was forgetting to take the tablets and I started getting headaches and signs of withdrawal. Maybe I should try with my husband reminding me

Lots of good advice and support from PPs. I just want to add that the very fact you are worried about your behaviour and abilities as a mum shows that you are definitely NOT a narcissistic abuser. They don’t give a shit about the effect of their behaviour on anyone, least of all their child - it’s all about themselves.
Seek what support you can, and if you feel stressed or angry then put your baby in a safe place, eg in the cot, and go into another room to just vent your feelings - go back when you’ve had a wee breather and feel calmer.
All parents of babies struggle sometimes- it’s a v tough job caring for a small vulnerable human, and the sleep deprivation etc doesn’t help. Give yourself credit for getting this far - you’re almost through the worst bit, and before long your baby will be a walking, talking, personality who can interact much more with you and give you some joyous return for all your efforts.
My prayers that you get some support, and begin to see a happier future as your child grows and gets less dependent and more fun.
For what it’s worth, my own parents were violent narcissists, and I was widowed with 2 babies, but I used my parents as a role model of how NOT to raise kids! My two lovely DDs (now 29 and 30) turned out fine, and we all love each other to bits. The cycle can certainly be broken. God bless.

Well done Babdoc. You are a very strong woman to achieve what you have! I was thinking the other day that I could not do this alone. If my husband was to die I would just fall into a complete depression. I have tipped into depression for way less. I’m not the type that puts up a fight, just cries and hides. Maybe because every time I tried to be assertive or put up a fight as a child I got badly beaten so my subconscious thinks it’s safer to please and not to be noticed.
By what you are saying My father is narcissistic, no doubt about it!
I’ve been trying to change all my life. I might have thought that “when you have children, you have no other option and you love them so you find the strength to put tourself together. But this is not true and now that I think about it there are some parents out there very crappy with addictions and MH problems who keep the cycle even if they don’t want to (like me).