Advice please. Messed up situation?

[Halli10]

Hi everyone. I’m usually the one giving advice and kind words, but at this time I would appreciate some advice or for someone to give me their opinion. Here goes...

Ok so I’m 22 years old and over a year ago I lived with my mum, who was emotionally and physically abusive. To the point where my anxiety was so crippling I didn’t leave the house. People used to ask me, why don’t you just leave? Because mentally and physically I couldn’t. I would freeze, I was terrified of my mum and what I was feeling inside. I was removed January 2019 by the police, who then took me to a family friends house where I stayed until I got my own flat in May 2019, I overcame my fears, got on medication and cut contact with my mother, for several months life was great.

My mum suffers with delusions, paranoia and other symptoms of what would come under schizophrenia or possible bipolar, but I can’t diagnose. It’s pretty evident to most people that she is unwell, and after countless conversations with her GP; they have pretty much disregarded everything and say they cannot help. Instead she would get arrested etc, which I obviously didn’t want even after all the heart ache she has caused me.

So recently, she had found my address from the electric roll and turned up at my flat in a bit of a state, she lives 50 miles away, yet unfortunately I live opposite the train station and it’s very easy to get to my place. I felt sorry for her so let her come on, gave her something to eat, she had a shower etc. She then stayed with me, but would not leave so I had to call the police. They told her to leave, and she did. But then shortly after she came by again, during the lockdown so she is stuck with me. Sometimes she can be fine, other time’s she is abusive, narcissistic, paranoid and suffers with horrendous delusions about people harming her, harming me etc. To the point where I have had to give up work as a healthcare assistant as again my anxiety has returned. I do have family that I speak to on my fathers side, which she hates me having. I haven’t told them she is staying with me as I feel they’d think I’m silly. I think I’m silly for allowing her back in but she had threatened suicide, so as her daughter I felt vulnerable and that I needed to help her. I have no privacy anymore, I can’t even go to the local shop to get essentials without her questioning my whereabouts, to the point sometimes she thinks I’m plotting against her.

Please can someone offer me advice? The police can’t do anything as they have said she’s not a danger to herself or anyone else. Although she has broken my phone charger etc so I have no communication with my father, I managed to get another phone charger, this sounds trivial and although I’m an adult I feel that has been stripped away and I feel like a child again, lost, anxious and afraid. I’m afraid of her, I’m afraid of her mental illness and I’m afraid of her future if she doesn’t get help as I need a life for myself.

I’m suppose to be going to university this year, I’m suppose to be doing lots of things that I had planned, until she came back into my life in a whirlwind.

Sorry for the essay, I just need opinions. Thank you.

That sounds incredibly difficult. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Do you want her to leave? Are there still trains running to take her home....or have they all stopped in the lockdown!? Can you ask her to leave? Then if she doesn't the police should surely help to remove her?

It sounds like you need proper professional advice and support though. Have you heard of Mind, they have a helpline where they might be able to advise you 0300 1233393. That number is for information and advice, rather than just emotional support, so it might help you.

www.mind.org.uk

Thank you. Yes I believe there is trains running although she won’t go home because she says that people will hurt her :(
I can’t bare the thought of the police taking her away again. But I know I need to think of myself

That sounds like such a difficult situation for you. I wish I knew what to advise but I don't have any experience or knowledge of what a person should do in this situation.

Do you have enough money to talk to some kind of counselling service on the phone? If you can get away from your mum to make that kind of call? You could maybe call the Samaritans as they might be able to advise on any resources for someone in your situation.

DHs brother is an alcoholic, eventually the family had to go non contact with him as his dramas and messes were ruining their lives as well as his. But I can imagine that going no contact will be heartbreaking for you.

Hugs to you. It is a very complicated situation. Ideally you'd put firm boundaries in place but that's not easy with the level of anxiety you're feeling.

It is such a difficult situation. You have done so well to move away and start your own life. I hope you find a way through this.

Does she know that she has some mental health problems? That makes such a difference. If she has some insight it would be easier to persuade her to accept help. But if she is totally unaware that makes things harder.

You could find out the phone number for the nhs mental health service in your area. They should have a crisis team number. They might help. Easier for them to help if she will accept the help though. They might be able to give you some suggestions even if they can't help her directly. I think these services vary in different areas, so you would just have to ask and find out.

The only other thing that I can think is that you might get some help from a local domestic abuse organisation. You would have to google for who that is. Domestic abuse isn't just about couple relationships...it also includes any other family relationships. It sounds like you left an abusive situation, and your abuser has returned to your life, without your permission (sorry to refer to your mum like that...it must be so hard for you because it sounds like you do love her despite everything).

Hopefully some other posters will come along and post some helpful advice for you. All I can think of is organisations that might help!

Thank you everyone for your support. It is a difficult time for me, I can’t really just get out of the situation because it is my home. I would like her to leave as I found a lot of peace in her leaving. She will constantly ask who I’m speaking to when I’m on my phone etc so it is quite difficult talking to anyone like the Samaritans. She treats me dreadfully so I think I will have a good think over the weekend and contact the police if things don’t improve.

The police really should help you because this really is 'legally' classed as domestic abuse. Infact today the Home Secretary (Priti Patel), presented the Prime Ministers Coronavirus Update and Promised support to victims of abuse who were suffering because of the lockdown.

It is difficult because we are programmed to love our mums and you will be holding out hope that one day she might become the mother that you needed and deserved. She won't and if she does, the first thing she will do is beg you for forgiveness whilst respecting your need for space.

It is awful that she is mentally ill, but this is not and should never be your responsibility. You are responsible solely for your own mental health and should you decide to have children at some point, theirs.

She is an adult, she is responsible for herself and needs to help herself. Professionals won't help her if you ask, she needs to be interested in helping herself.
You cannot save her, that is her call. Trying to save her is killing you. You deserve a better life. You would not be a bad person for deciding to go non contact (not open door or answer phone) until she takes positive steps to help herself.

Please don't continue to sacrifice yourself for the dream of a mother who has and will never exist. She is who she chose to be and you are her focus.

You deserve to be allowed to live, guilt free.

you are going to university and you are going to live your life. You are strong and you are kind.

A reasonable parent would allow you your independence and maybe even be a little proud of how far you have come.

Be you, its a good thing to be.

I hope I will get that far. I know if she was around she would try and ruin it like she has done most of my jobs that I’ve had. Ironically I wanted to become a social worker

You need to call your local mental health team (it will be different to the one your mum has as you live elsewhere) as she is a danger to you and not in her 'right' mind. This may mean she is sectioned, but it is not guaranteed. You also need to look at legal solutions for a restraining order.

My mum has serious mental health issues and is now in a care home. I had to go NC with her years ago because it was destroying my mental health (which is still iffy even without contact).

I think that you would be a good social worker and genuinely help people, because you have the life experience.

I wish I could give you some part of my 44 year old insight, I wish you could see how important your needs are. It isn't all about her. You are important. You matter.

Who is to say that in the future you wont save many others from suffering, protect them and get them the help they need? To do this you need to learn self protection first.

You are an empath and you look for the good in people. Even now you look for the good in your mum. But a truly vulnerable person isn't checking the electoral role trying to get their captive audience back. Her actions are not random, they specifically target you and your vulnerabilities.

Free yourself. No guilt owed. A reasonable parent doesn't do this.

@chickenyhead that isn't true in the case of people who are mentally ill. My mum has delusional paranoid schizophrenia and would quite literally do exactly that. It isn't unusual for extreme lengths to be taken unfortunately. It doesn't mean she isn't vulnerable, but it does mean I can't have a relationship with her, especially now I have a DC of my own who I refuse to expose to her behaviour. The only reason she doesn't now is because she is unable to as she will be in a care home for the rest of her life.

However, you are right. A reasonable parent doesn't do that and the OP certainly doesn't have to take on that responsibility. Her health is the most important thing in this scenario. Her mum can get support voluntarily or involuntarily but the OP needs to make it crystal clear that she can't look after her. It's the only way to get the help her mum needs.

My mum has my current address as we moved here when we were still on speaking terms, but if we move (which we are planning to) she will not be given the address and we will not have our details available on the open register. OP you can remove yourself from the open register online for future reference, HTH x

Sorry to hear about your mum too @Aveisenim I’m glad that you can relate to my post. Was she always diagnosed schizophrenic or did you have to go through a process if you don’t mind me asking?

@Aveisenim
I get that and I apologise if I hit a nerve.

However OP has been to medical professionals with her mum and she has not yet had a formal diagnosis by any professional, nor does it appear that she is actively seeking one. There are a world of possible explanations, some fixable, some not.

From the OPS description it is more than possible that her mum in fact has a personality disorder as opposed to a mental illness. OP is desperately seeking to solve her mums problems, whilst her mum is not so concerned in doing so.

OP whatever your mum has you are not a qualified psychologist, you cannot save her. She needs to choose to seek help, which she won't do all of the time you are sacrificing yourself.

Sometimes in life you have to stop enabling people in their destructive behaviour.

Sending you strength OP

X

@Halli10 I was small when my mum was diagnosed and grew up with family members. To this day she blames me for the diagnosis (I'm in my 30s).

From what little I know since she moved into the care home (I didn't find out until years afterwards due to other family drama and their refusal to tell me where she was), she was sectioned and no longer has decision making capacity. I don't know what led to her diagnosis, however reading back on my own medical records that I requested, I was at the GP often and from them I know I had a black eye when I was under 2. Family members took guardianship of me at around the same time.

Initially cutting contact was her decision due to her own delusions/paranoia, however after getting back in contact a few years ago post-carehome, I realised it was making me ill and made the difficult decision to cut contact for myself. I have a few health issues anyway and it just added to them and I need to stay as healthy as I can for my own family.

You need to look after yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help from social services/mental health teams if you need to. She is posing a genuine risk to you from the sounds of it, hopefully they will take you seriously and you'll be able to go from there about stopping contact permanently. I lived for a long time with a lot of guilt about not being there for my mum even though I had promised to be when I was a kid. Don't do that. Not everyone can be saved. The only person you have any responsbility for right now is you.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. To some degree I am that mother, I have severe mental illness, and feel enormously guilty for being a rubbish mum, especially seeing how I affected by daughter.

Please do send Your mum home. You are not responsible for her, and if she wasn't mentally ill she would know that. If you want to help her inform her GP that she is heading for home, they are responsible for her welfare not you, and don't ever feel guilty.