Feeling like a burden

[JarOfFarts]

I think I just need someone to tell me I'll be ok.

I was starting to access the help I need- then lockdown happened.

It's impossible to even chat to someone on the phone about how I'm feeling atm, because my walls are paper thin, and I'm worried the DC will here.

I'm safe. And I have no intention of hurting myself. But I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I'm hurting so, so much.

And I'm a regular btw. It's just that I'm a known jackass, and I feel I have to NC before admitting that I feel this way. I've been told I have quite a distinctive posting style: please don't out me if you happen to recognise it! 😢

Lockdown won't last forever. You'll be able to get help in person in a month or two.

Could you talk to a therapist by email?

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you had to read my whining.

I moved here a few months ago- we fled DV, and as a result of what I endured at his hands, I have PTSD, and anorexia.

Most of my friends took his side. I have one friend who lives 1.5 hours' drive away, and I'd usually reach out to her- but she's going through a MH crash herself, and I don't feel I can.

The only family my DC have ever known, besides me, is his family. We're NC now, as (please don't think I'm being dramatic) we were in danger from all of them. So they have me and ONLY me. I'm scared to email anyone, or even call my GP, in the daytime, in case I start to cry and they see. I know how stupid that sounds. I need to stay super strong for them.

Didn't want to read and run!

You can self refer to talking therapies. The waiting list in my area is 2 months - so you could refer yourself online now and then hopefully the therapy could start after lockdown. (If that's what you would like to do)

How old are your children? Could you maybe request a call back from your GP online - and schedule it for a time when you could be in the garden / they are asleep?

You've done so well in reaching out here for someone to speak to.

The Samaritans are 24/7 - 116 123 < that's there number
You could call them at night if you're feeling overwhelmed

Thank you.

They're 12 and 8. They've seen too much shit in their short lives already- they've both given statements: I can't let them see this too.

If I call the Samaritans, will they inform the ss?

No they won't inform anyone ...

They've helped me a lot when I've called even at 3am

Does your GP do online appointments do you know? Mine are doing online Skype ones currently - if yours are doing it could you go in the bathroom or garden and have an appointment while they play with headphones on or something?

Obviously if you don't feel you can that's fine and can wait until lockdown is over and the Samaritans are three of you feel they could help

I'm going to give them a call now.

The stupid thing is, I KNOW I'm going to be ok. I'm just not ok right now...does that make sense?

The Samaritans won't inform anyone.

It sounds like a difficult position to be in in the best of times. In lockdown doubly so. You'll don't have access to support and you are bearing a heavy burden. Your feelings about being strong for your children do you credit. You also need to look out for yourself. That will serve your kids in the long term.

It's a good sign that you see your current state of mind as part of an episode that you know will pass. No harm in finding a way to help you get through it.

It does make sense ...

Call them whenever you're ready / however long you need.
Come back to the thread if you need too as well

You're being brave for you're children but you also need to get support for yourself.
Happy you = Happy children
My daughter knows when I'm sad even if I think I'm hiding it well (I'm not) because she will draw me pictures and comes to sleep in my bed to keep me company ...

Thank you so much!

I've been worrying about stupid things too: I haven't been eating because I'm paranoid the CV situation will get worse and my DC will run out of food (this we have cupboards full of food! Its irrational!) ExH used to use food as a punishment when I didn't comply. It's just stupid little things like that. It all feels so trivial compared to what's going on!

I feel like such an ungrateful cunt too. I've actually been sick for three weeks with what we suspect was CV. People have died ffs- I survived, and I'm here whining at 1am!

You're not being ungrateful at all ... you've had a major trauma in your life and you are feeling overwhelmed.

Please eat; I know the food situation is scary but the shops are beginning to get stocked up again. By not eating you're not looking after yourself; even if you have something small with the children - when I'm struggling I can only manage to eat child size portions; but I make sure I sit at the table with my Dd to make me eat.
When it happens to me - one overwhelming feeling leaks out to different aspects of my life ... food, bills, work etc

Am I going mad?

I’m almost sure I’m not being unreasonable. Have had my (much older) partners fully grown soon join the isolation.

I need to scream. I am not a parent. I need some advice.

I need to up my calories again. I was doing so well, and nearly reaching my TDEE (even though I'm still underweight).

Ironically, I'm at the weight ExH suggested I'd look best at (he really was a cunt). If I stay like this, I'd be still complying with his wishes...I'd have gotten free for nothing!

This bitch just got a little of her fight back. 😡

Bella I'm taking on board what a PP said, and accepting that this situation is stressful for everyone. You're not going mad.

My house has been taken over by a 31year old baby. My partner has become someone I don’t like. I am younger than my partner so only 8 years older than his son. Yet am still the most adult person in the house right now. Will never ask my man to choose between me and his son but that pisses me off cos feel like the son KNOWS that. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bella if you started a new thread, perhaps in Relationships, you'll be able to get some decent advice there.

@JarOfFarts You got free for a better life for you and you're children.
It hasn't been for nothing ..... you're weight can change - and will - but right now it's one thing at a time.

You are safe, you are free
You can gain the weight, slowly and in a healthy way to keep it on .... don't put pressure on yourself for this. Make a plan; always eat breakfast / lunch or have a snack when you wouldn't normally .... small changes make long term changes

It's weird- I feel like I've actually got this now! It's just a blip! I've truly got this!

@JarOfFarts you do have this! It is just a blip
You're doing good

I just wanted to pop on and thank you guys so much for handholding last night.

Hopefully the MH team will be in touch soon.

@JarOfFarts hope you have a good day today

Always come back if you need too