To ask desperately for suggestions with dp *trigger warning suicide*

[alotinashortspaceoftime]

Sorry if this isn't the write place of titles appropriately but I'm desperate. I'm 23 and so is my partner, we've been together for 6 years and have 2 young children. The last couple of years he has dealt with depressed and is with his doctors, having therapy and taking antidepressants. Since we have been in lockdown it has been horrendous, he's always needed a lot of encouragement but the structure has gone out of the window. He's sleeping all day up all night, won't even sit in the garden, unpleasant to be around, I've been crying every day when I tell the kids I'm I. The bathroom. It is overwhelming, especially with the kids going stir crazy. He has just told me he is suicidal and wants to go to sleep and not wake up and I'm petrified. I've asked him to call his doctor and he said he's going to just ride through the feeling even when I've insisted. I don't know what to do or where to go. Any suggestions are deeply appreciated

I'm sorry that sounds so so tough, for both you and your dp. could you contact papyrus, and talk to one of the advisors there? the line is open to anyone who is worried about someone who is suicidal, or the suicidal person themselves. they might be able to offer strategies to encourage your dp to talk to someone? all the best x

That sounds incredibly difficult. I agree, you need to reach out to try and access some support for him. I don't know what that might look like currently, as I have no idea what services are functioning or what they look like, but at this point in order to ease your own fear you need to at least take action and reach out. There are many people out there who are still available to support those in crisis.
At the very least, having read your message, just know that we on this forum are supporting you. I think it sounds like you are doing a fab job keeping your kids going. Make sure you get your daily space in the bathroom to cry, just let it all out. Don't feel guilty about anything you need to do right now to support yourself through this so you can in turn support your family. You can not pick your husband back up from this, but you can just let him know you are here, you care, and you want him to stay here with you. Good luck, please keep writing here if it helps. x

Thank you both, i appreciate your replies and kindness a lot. It's such an odd time I'm just not sure what to do. I wouldn't contact my parents about it as there's nothing they can do, his parents are rather abusive, so no go. I was thinking about messaging his supervisor at work who he has a very very close relationship with and possibly she could talk to him as she's always helped him before. He's in bed and I've brought him a cup of tea and offered to cut his hair and shape his beard ( i already do it at hone) so that he could feel a bit better about himself. He's in a very apologetic mood but obviously very distressed. I've been to see him as much as possible but I'm still looking after the kids. I'm not sure if calling our local doctor would be good or calling a helpline but not whilst the kids are awake

I would call a helpline (check the opening hours, the one I linked above is open 2pm-10pm on weekends) when the kids are asleep. even if he won't speak to the advisor, at least there is a support network opening up there for you.

all the best again, and please keep posting on here if it helps x

There really isnt a lot to be done, he is in the same boat as me and hundreds of others atm. No structure, no work, no access to our therapists or friends. Nothing a doctor could really do. It's just going to be a case of sitting it out.

Hello, I really had to reply to you OP. I think you are doing a fantastic job. You are quite young and you have a lot of responsibilities, and it sounds like you are the back bone of your family right now. You are very brave and strong and it is really good that you have reached out for help. These qualities will help you and your family get through this.

I'm really sorry about what the previous poster said....she said there is nothing that can be done and we are all going through it. Please don't listen to her. She may be in a state of helplessness and need help herself. But you are not helpless and you are still being proactive.

It does sound like your partner is very depressed. So coping with this crisis is going to be even more difficult than it would be for the average person. However, you deserve and are worthy of help. Please can you look for some of your local resources to get help. I know not everything is up and running as it usually is, but I think some of the usual services will have a provision for people like you and your partner and children. The people to try are your local Children's Centre, Health Visitors, GP, Social Services (they are there to help you), Teachers....and also where I live there are lots of counselling/support services for people under 25. You will need to do some Googling. But don't give up. You will encounter people with the previous posters attitude....but keep trying and you will find some help for you, your partner and your family. The last few years have not been an easy ride for young adults (I really really don't mean to sound patronising, I'm only in my 40s but I can see how much things have changed in a short space of time). There are people that care and will help you. Stay strong, get help, don't give up.

@naughtycat Thanks ever so much for your reply, it is very very kind of you to say such lovely things. Things have been a bit better this week. I sat down with my dp and explained how hard that I am finding everything and how worried that I was about him, I said that we needed to change something otherwise I'd have to contact an external service which he really didn't want to do at the time so I said that I'd give him a chance and we sat down and made a new list of tasks to do in a day. He has still been feeling down but I drew out a timetable for the day to give it a bit more structured so that he has been getting up by 10, and sitting outside to get some fresh air, has got set chores to do and we have been having nightly board games and films instead of playing on the playstation. He said that he has been feeling a bit better so I am pleased but he knows that if things get worse then I will be getting advice elsewhere.

how was today OP? Wishing you a happy Easter

Hi OP

I know exactly how you feel, I was 26 with three young children when my partner started to suffer openly from MH problems. Looking back they had been there for a long time I just didn’t know what they were.

He would lie in bed for weeks on end, be snappy and horrible to me and the children. Disappear for a few days here and there etc. The first block of proper problems ended in him going into hospital as a voluntary patient for a week. He came out and had about 9 months of therapy which helped lots.

He was fine for three years (I say fine but it was still there, staying in bed, short fuse, pretending to have the flu etc) he was better though. It all started back up again and I just couldn’t cope with it. To cut a long story short I decided I needed him to leave, he was abusive and I had a lot of resentment towards him. The breakup caused many threats of suicide and two actual attempts. The stress was unbearable, every time I couldn’t get in touch with him I honestly thought he had done it. I had constant anxiety and guilt.

In the end it took people on here to help. They encouraged me to go NC, and reassured me that if he did do anything to himself it wasn’t my fault. I really struggled with feeling responsible for him and it played on my mind constantly. So much so that I took him back several times.

You must know, that you are not responsible for his behaviour and actions do not ever feel you are. He is unwell, which is obviously horrible for him but that does not excuse him being abusive.

You can call his doctor and ask them to call him back. I did this many years ago for a suicidal relative.

Could he up his medication or try a new one?

@sleepismysuperpower1 thanks for checking up. Dp has been doing well sticking to our new routine and even spent the last couple of days sitting in the sun which he wouldn't have done last week. The atmosphere has improved dramatically, It's still exhausting looking after the kids on my own and being emotionally available 24/7 but I can't complain too much as everybody's going through similar right now. Hope you had a nice Easter 🐣

@naughtycat I'm sorry you went through that, it does sound rather similar to what my partner is like and the pretending to be ill all of time. My biggest problem is that I'm a super people pleaser, the idea of upsetting anyone makes me feel sick and I've given ultimatums a couple of times but just end up feeling horribly guilty

I think you're allowed to complain, you've got it incredibly rough there!

There comes a point in any relationship where its unsustainable. It's easy with MH issues to feel guilty and stuck and stay, but there's a fine line between sticking it out during rough times and living in a state that would otherwise be called abusive.

You are allowed to put your own life jacket on first, so to speak, and you don't have to spend the rest of your life stuck like this.

This covid crisis period won't last forever. It sounds like you need to take time to care for yourself too, and maybe think about the long term future?

I'm so glad its improving. Don't forget to look after yourself too, if you think it would be helpful for you to talk to an external person then you could always talk to someone at the mix or something similar x