I can't carry on anymore

[Ava678]

I have suffered with my mental health with what feels like forever. I feel like I was a depressed child. My adolescence was happy. I am in my late twenties now, and it feels like every year has just got harder.

I have had months of counselling, different meds, ect. I am being reviewed by the community mental health team on Saturday (via telephone) although my experience of mental health services hasn't been great, so I don't have high expectations.

Just so many areas of my life are going wrong. I started a new job a few weeks ago, and am now working from home with little instruction. I feel chained to the computer even though I have no idea what I am doing.

My relationship is so up and down. One minute we are besotted with eachother and the next day we have horrible arguments where we both shout and cry and treat each other like shit.

I feel lost in life and dont know what to do with it. I went back to college to start an evening course which I absolutely love, but now all classes are online and the next course which was supposed to start in september might be cancelled.
I felt like my education was the only light in the tunnel that I had, and the only thing giving me hope and some self worth.

I want to go to the gym. All weights are sold out. I feel trapped. I feel like I am destined for unhappiness.

I make my partner cry and get angry, I dont make her happy. Everyone would be better off without me.

I cant keep fighting anymore. Life never gets better for me :( I just dont think it is in the cards for me to be happy. I am broken and beyond repair. I will never have a happy healthy loving stable relationship. I've gone from job to job to job in the past 2 years and not felt happy in any.

I feel so exhausted. I feel hopeless. I deserve to suffer and I would be doing myself and everyone else a favour if I just got on with it and got rid of myself

OP I know you feel like this now but it really is the depression making you feel this way. I can’t imagine how difficult this difficult situation we all find ourselves in must be on people who were already struggling mentally. Someone else will be along with proper advice soon I am sure but for now you have to know that getting rid of yourself will not make life easier for anyone else. You are loved and you have worth.

Don't give up.
None of us are beyond repair.This is just a terrible,stressful time that is making you feel so hopeless.
Call the Samaritans on 116 123.
Be kind to yourself, as kind as you would be to anyone else.

First you sound like you should be on esa. I've had severe depression , each job I lost because of it. That would take the pressure of having a job and money. If you really are sick of everything and can't handle it anymore you need to tell people. Parents, friends anyone you can trust. Or even go to the hospital. I failed to kill myself years ago because I was absolutely petrified. Walked in to accident and emergency and they admitted me. You could be on the verge of a nervous breakdown . You need help. People care. You are special and you matter. I mean it. This whole coronavirus amplified mental health problems. I have ocd and have been very bad myself this week. Hang on . Please xoxoxoxo

What is ESA?

I have strong urges to self harm because I feel like I deserve it. I just feel inherently bad and like a horrible person. I am resisting the urges because I have been clean of self harming for months and I don't want to give in, and then have to try and quit starting from scratch again

Please hang on. Go to A&E, or ring or email Samaritans or your Crisis team or GP.
Tell someone how you are feeling. I’m sorry I can’t be more help.

Life sounds really tough for you at the moment OP. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so low. If you think it would help to talk about how you feel, please think about phoning the Samaritans (as suggested earlier). They won’t judge you, make assumptions or give advice. They will listen, try to understand how you feel and offer emotional support. I wish you all the very best.

It’s a horrible, weird and scary time for even those who are lucky enough not to have MH issues.

Everything that is already hard and upsetting is 10 times more so right now.

No one is destined to be unhappy forever though. Everything changes. Sometimes we go through years of utter hell where we can’t even see the tunnel never mind a light at the end of it. But you can get through this.

I’ve had a pretty tough life op and was in an abusive marriage for over 20 years. But I did get through it and have emerged stronger, happier and because I’ve been so depressed in the past, able to appreciate even the boring, everyday things of life.

Don’t worry about changing things now. It’s not the time. Treat yourself kindly and don’t expect a lot from yourself. It’s good you started this thread. You aren’t alone.