So I've posted a few times in other threads. Recently had a health scare with a mammogram recall. Terrified me. I suffer with anxiety at times of crisis, generally I'm very level headed, but when things get tough, which I know happens to everyone, everyone else seems to cope a lot better than me.
Anyway I am a frontline NHS worker, got signed off with anxiety before the corona virus outbreak. Breast issues have righted themselves I've been given a clean bill of health after two biopsies. However my mum has had a massive mental breakdown. She has suffered all her life, again I have posted about my struggles as a separate issue. She lives an hour away from me and obviously I can't see her at the min. She is having daily panic attacks which is awful to listen to when I can't help. As you can imagine my anxiety is thru the roof. My sick note runs out next week and I honestly feel I'm not strong enough to return to work yet. Cue guilt at not being there for my colleagues. But as I'm frontline I need my wits about me.
So my mum had yet another panic episode this morning. I lost my temper with her, felt massively guilty so rang my sister. She lives near my mum and sadly gets the brunt of it all due to that. Anyway she is a manager in a call centre, 'key worker' apparently as it's communications. So she has been at work throughout the virus crisis. She is stressed I get that. However I tried to tell her I'm not ready to go back to my job yet and I was stunned by her response. So much it's driven me to tears. She basically said the best thing I can do for my health is get back to work as it's normality. I get that. However we are frontline and in the thick of it without proper PPE. My colleagues are texting me daily they are in crisis and putting themselves at risk. Am I a coward in not wanting to return? I have an asthmatic son and I'm a single parent I'm terrified I'll bring something home to him. Plus all this happening with my mum my head is full of fog. My sister basically said that I should man up go back to work and if she was my manager she would be recommending I don't get paid!!!!!! Obviously the NHS do pay us sick pay thankfully. I've been off 3 weeks I don't feel I'm taking the piss I've done my job 24 years! I just feel all my life my mum has let me down, I've never had any support and now my sister has turned against me. I also feel my close friend feels the same way. When I told her I'd her I'd been signed off for another week she had the same reaction! Basically eyes rolled and 'oh right?' As if I shouldn't be off. I feel like the weight of the world on my shoulder at the minute.
Sorry for rambling........