hell on earth

[robert1982]

i'm in a dark place that i'm not sure I'm going to get out of. I've got no friends or support, i don't trust anyone. I lost all my work a while ago but I'll get some financial help because of coronavirus to keep me going for a bit. My brother and father don't care about me and my mum is dying. I reacted badly to my neighbors yesterday because they were making an annoying noise. I'm crying a lot because of my mum and not being able to do anything about it or even being able to go and see her through fear of infecting her.

I'm worried about paying my bills and working in the future, losing the only person who cares about me and I think i'm losing any remnants of sanity because i'm alone with only the television and internet for company. I don't know how i should be feeling right now. I've thought about jumping off the bridge so much that it feels like an excuse. I hate this world, why can't we live in peace and take the pressure off of ourselves.
You'd think a 37 year old man wouldn't get into this state wouldn't you but i'm in a right mess in my head.

I feel so bad for my mum. A year of cancer diagnosis, surgeries, infections, colon disease and now jaundice, fatigue and sleeping lots which could be being caused by cancer returning in her liver. Hopefully, she will get the results of her PET scan tomorrow but if it is cancer returning i can't see how she will get through it, especially with this pandemic ongoing. I wish i could swap places with her.

I don't know what to do except slip into where ever i end up. Homelessness and/or suicide i guess. I've given up
sorry

You have a lot to deal with right now ..no magic solution but offering a hand hold and an ear
Keep going

This sounds like so much to deal with, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You WILL get through it, and there are brighter days ahead. No advice but here to talk 🤗 it's a lonely time!

Please contact the samaritans, you've got too much to handle on your own xxx

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

Call: 116 123

Sorry you’re having a rough time. And it is very sad about all your mum’s health problems. Can you call her and say hi?
Are you sleeping & eating?

Hi, I couldn't read your message without replying. It is hell on earth, it really is. I was there. My mum died of cancer last year and the run up was just awful. I saw her as much as I could and know you can't but please Skype or video call when you can. Be strong for her. I know it's so difficult. And for me it still is. But you will get through it. DM me if you want.

Here’s a person who does care about you although we’ve never met.

What a lot you’ve got on your plate right now. I think anyone would be overwhelmed in your place.

You can’t sort it all at once and I don’t think you should feel that you have to.

Please don’t give up. Try to talk to your mum on the phone. Can you FaceTime her?

Don’t be alone with this - even in these very difficult times there are people you can talk to.

In the meantime- talk to us here.

Very difficult times for you as it's all happening at once. Speak to your mum as much as you can. Will she do any face time as just seeing a person can make a difference?

This dreadful time will pass so try to stay strong. Being alone must be very hard right now so do talk to people on the Internet, by phone or even neighbours from your garden/front door if possible as that can be quite grounding whereas, as you say, lots of TV and net can drag you down.

Your life is important and people do care.

I wish I had an answer for you, all I can say is I am so sorry you are going through this.

Thinking of you today Robert.

I'm eating and drinking enough and i can play on my computer and smile but i don't think i should smile. I should be there with her.

I try to call her but she doesn't want me to go through it with her i think. She prefers to be on her own with her thoughts. It does my head in. I bought her a much better television when she was diagnosed with cancer and she got angry and demanded i take it back. She's been giving me money to help out with my financial problems instead, it's just not right is it. I'm sure i will talk to her today although she hasn't replied to my message this morning. I don't want to irritate her and i don't know what to say sometimes either. It's frustrating.

Helps to be writing this but i'm getting a strong headache and running out of tissues.

Generally speaking, our parents will die before us. And you’ve been having to actively deal with that for quite a while.

I can see why you’d want your mother to have a nicer tv, but if she’s helping you out financially, you were kind of spending her money on something she didn’t want.

Can you ask her when she would like another call?
Have you been getting outside?

I think you should phone your GP and try to at least get some phone support. Or the Samaritans or any other mental health helpline. Sorry you are feelkng this bad.

no i had about £3000 spare at the time i bought the television and was working full time etc.
She replied and says she feels a bit more energetic today but she;s not heard anything from the hospital yet.
I asked if she needed any food yet and she says 'no not yet. hope you can find some meat for yourself. I don't need anything until next week...' and that's it, end of conversation. feel like she constantly pushes me away. Maybe i should just sit back and let her talk if and when she wants. Why is my family so cold and un-emotional!?
Like my brother rocks up says the clique 'be positive' and fks off back to work, doesn't even speak to her on the phone ever since.

My parents have always been garbage when it comes to supporting me and my brother unless it's to do with money.
For example:

son tells his parents he wants to be a pilot.

supportive parents: That's a good idea son, here let me show you some ways to take it further.

my parents: NO you should be a vet instead! wrong again son.

And that's how it's been since my first days of school. It's given me serious confidence issues and i have to try twice as hard as the next guy to achieve anything. It's also reulted in me not being a particularly nice guy at times.

My mum left my dad about 4 years ago and i thought maybe that would be a chance to get closer to her (my dad was very angry and caused us all to walk on egg shells and ultimately split us up or that's how i perceived things anyway) but it never really happened (she was about an hours drive away and i was depressed and working hard).

Seems it's too late now. My life has been de-railed again and i just keep thinking i might aswell end it but easier said than done, i just can't be bothered anymore.

Must say thanks to everyone who has replied, we all have problems and there's nothing special about me so i don't really deserve it. Thank you

I know it's sounds glib but don't dwell on family relationships if they aren't what you would have liked them to be. You are you and I bet you have lots of positive qualities and this is just a gloomy phase which some tough stuff happening. It will pass. Its a shame if you want a conversation with your Mum and all you get are short answers. What worked with my Mum is getting her talking about the past. Maybe ask her about relatives, what they did, family tales etc. My mum loves reliving the past.

Also please forgive me if I am talking rubbish. Just wanted to keep your thread going in case it's helping a little.

No they are some good ideas that i think i can work on.
I've just told my dad on messenger what's happening although my mum specifically said not to. He's very angry, surprise surprise. Not the easiest news to take though! I'm bloody nervous.

Hope your day has been ok robert1982 and that you’ve heard from your mum.

Just to let you know that people are thinking of you still .