I know everyone's going through so much right now. I'm sorry this is a selfish and self centered post.
I've had mental health issues stemming from childhood abuse all my adult life. It flared up badly in the summer 2019 and I haven't been the same since. I have an amazing partner (who I do not live with) but have lost many friends as I've withdrawn and I've felt so worthless and shitty about myself that I don't put myself out there anymore. The inner voice has been very negative for this period. Telling me I'm faulty (and can't be fixed and should die), I'm boring, I'm thick, I'm a failure, you name it. The voice hates me.
This crisis has hit and I've been watching since Feb, anxiety has been increasing and I've been lucky enough to have no one close affected. I know I'm lucky. My mental heath though has got worse. I feel some days as though I should be sectioned. Like I'm a vegetable with occasional outbursts and strange behaviours, I feel like I've lost my mind. There's a part of me here that hasn't because she's the one typing this and observing the worrying behaviours. But I'm not feeling in control.
I am living with a family member and we do not get along. She is a key worker doing long hours (not front line), so I've been taking care of everything at home and making sure her meals are cooked and everything is nice when she gets in. 2 or 3 times a week we have disagreements usually because of something silly but she can be very damning and often says things that trigger me... Things that my dad would say to me as a kid about me. She often comes home and slams doors, stomps, bangs and I feel like I can't do anything right. She is tired understandably but she is taking it out at home rather than with her friends at work. This morning she said I don't respect how important her work is and that she still has to work. This is not true, I have been showing my respect through looking after things at home (I work and contribute equally to the house and bills). Her behaviour triggers the childhood abuse that I experienced from my dad and she knows all the buttons to press. I was suicidal before but now I know there isn't another option. The thought of being locked down here, alone most of the time and tiptoeing when she's here is not bearable. I can't see any other way out anymore. I have taken today off work as I couldn't face it after the argument and have been frantically thinking about how I can end it. There is no way I can do this and it would be better for everyone if I went.
Can I turn this around? I've tried the gp and they just prescribe anti depressents. I've had these in the past and they don't work for me. I was doing talking therapy but after taking a paycut at work I can't afford it anymore. I don't know what more I can do.