I can't seem to fathom it but my anxiety has actually improved (generalized anxiety) and I am trying to make sense of things.
Obviously I care and I am concerned about the plight the country is currently facing but I no longer feel the need to take all of my medication (antidepressants and beta blockers). I also suspect I am peri-menopausal and trying to get some improved treatment for that, so I can balance my hormones but this seems to be an ongoing process as the gp has chucked anxiety/anti-d med in my direction.
Basically, I don't really miss people. They cause me anxiety. I have a couple of friends who I see every couple of weeks but really, I don't actually miss them at the moment but sort of need them when I am on my own with little dc. I think because I don't feel connected to them, though they are really lovely people whom I can share about 80% of my thoughts with. I did have a friend who was much older than me. She was like a mother figure, my own mother is an ignoring narcissist whom I have little to do with, my father emotionally and physically abusive - virtually no contact with either of them for years. My mother doesn't seem to care about our relationship and I think I wanted this older friend to feel a hole, someone I could glean advice from and it worked well for a while - we would communicate most days about a shared interest amongst other things and then well, she lessened this and I miss this interaction and feel annoyed and upset that it is no longer readily available.
Whilst, I am troubled by the virus and the devastating effects it is having, I am actually enjoying being locked away with my immediate family. I am sahm (3 dcs of varying ages) and I love living in this bubble, everything feels so much more relaxed - until I have to brave the supermarket. I feel disappointed that I have reached mid-forties and haven't forged better connections outside of the family. I think one of the reasons I like being cocooned is because day to day, I feel isolated anyway and it has put me on more of a level playing field with everyone else. I envy the way people have the confidence to hold down jobs and I envy the way some people have developed friendships at the school gates and I envy the way my neighbour dotes on her grandchildren when my dc have none. I have realised I do a lot of envying in life and a lot of watching and at the moment I'm not faced with all of this. And I am not faced with being judged and my failures validated.
I have a couple of hobbies - one is pretty insular but I have joined a small group pertaining to this and love meeting up. We chat about all sorts of things but don't meet often. The other hobby - I could join a group when pre-schooler starts pre-school but it is the sort of thing where you don't have to interact very much but where you are presented with background company.
I would love to have an assessment to see if I am experiencing a condition of some description but the nhs don't seem to provide this. I last saw a psychiatrist in my late teens who didn't seem to be able to help much. Sometimes I crave company but often I feel that I can become exhausted by it. If someone keeps firing off their opinions or seems ultra confident or keeps talking I find myself shrivelling.
I'm planning to do some voluntary work when smallest dc starts pre-school to get me out of the house but tbh. I am also thinking it is going to be unfulfilling, without my dcs I just feel like I am filling in time.
Apart from this awful virus going away, I am not looking forward to things returning to 'normal'. I know the fact that I am pretty much in peri-menopause is aggravating the situation and that I would benefit form psychotherapy but there seems to be a lot of psychotherapists in my area and I am afraid of chucking hundreds of pounds away on the wrong one/treatment.
It is just a relief to get all of this out of my head. If anyone can make any sense of it, I would appreciate your views please.