for the good wishes sent me. today i tried to take my life earlier but in the end i rang the crisis team and begged for help. they are like most medical people trying to do consultations by phone but due to the seriousness of the situation asked me to come to the unit. the two nurses i saw were lovely i went into a total breakdown told them i had never ever got over losing my dad last year i lost my job a voluntary job which i loved something concerning my partner which at times can really impress on our lives and losing my beloved dog. since just before Xmas our life has been really hard and difficult to cope with and its just got too much for me. they have arranged for the home team to connect with me again by phone unless they think otherwise. they have upped my diazepam from 2mg x 3 daily to 5mg x 3 daily. they told me it could be 2 weeks until the veneflaxin kicks in so bit meh the dr has only prescribed me only 3 days again i know its a very addictive drug but they say i will need to be on them bit longer than 3 days but i shall ask the team when they ring tomorrow. i was awake from 3 this morning with panic attacks and thoughts of killing myself so i hope and pray i get a good sleep. last night i sent goodbye emails to my daughters they have made contact with my partner begging him to get help for me which he has its hard for him as he has never known mental health but he is trying hard to help me. he was in tears as well this morning at the hospital. they said i was brave asking for help instead of having to have it decided for me or worse still killing myself instead. i have just taken a 5mg diazepam and i hope it will make me relax more my eyes are sore from crying but i have agreed with my partner to stay home but when the dogs want a walk with we will go to the field when its quiet going down in the car there is a reason for that my little dog wont let us pick him up but will jump in the car. they told me fresh air is good for me and i should not be at risk of the virus which is another worry
please all think of me and keep fingers crossed i have a long history of mental health depression anxiety etc but i have never ever had anything like this before and with the virus too its really hit hard. no idea why it started but i am determined to beat it