Cut off by parents, Can I have some advice?

[Waitingonadream]

Hi everyone!

I've never posted before but I really need someone to talk to. I was abused by my brother growing up. He used to make me kiss him and touch his genitals. I have tried to tell a couple of people about this but no one will help me through it. I have told my husband (who barely talks to me anyway) and the person I thought was my best friend and they didn't really say much except 'that's weird'. My husband just shouts at me all the time and makes me feel worthless. I very obviously can't tell the kids.
I have now tried to write everything down in an email to my mom and dad. I know they have received it and now neither of them will talk to me. I feel so utterly alone and now I really wish I hadn't told anyone but I just couldn't carry the burden any more.
What can I do? Should I have kept it to myself my whole life?

You definitely shouldn't have kept it to yourself , it would have eaten away at you.

Your parents probably don't know how to react and that is why they have gone silent on you.

I think you will need counselling when the CV is over, you will probably be able to have skyp sessions with a counsellor.

You will definitely be suffering from Complex PTSD which is brought on by a traumatic childhood.

Richard Grannon on YouTube talks about CPTSD and he recommends a book by Pete Walker called CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving. You can buy it cheaply on EBay.

It sounds like you will have no support from your DH and parents. Do you have another trustworthy friend to tell? As your other friend was useless and unhelpful.

Research about trauma bonds and codependency.

You have done the right thing, you are confronting this, but you will need a lot of support.

Take care, stay strong!

Thanks so much for the reply, I really, really appreciate it. I'll have a look for the book ASAP. I would have gone to counselling before now but my other half refuses to pay for it (he wouldn't do couples counselling either) and I don't work at the moment as I have no childcare. I'm annoyed with myself for letting it get this far without counselling but I'm in a bit of a bind where work and money (and husband) is concerned. I also have only recently realised it wasn't my fault. I always thought I was to blame. My brother tried to make me believe I was complicit in it when he met his boyfriend. We were at a family event and he said "remember when we used to...." in front of his partner. I was stunned as I'd never spoken about it and I just remember thinking - "but I didn't want to"! I don't know why he did that.
I google a lot and get a lot of support that way just knowing I'm not alone.
Your reply means so much and I'll research all those things over the next few days. Thank you so, so much.
I hope you are safe and well and thank you again.
Xx
(Ps. I hope this reply posts in the correct place!)

If you are in the UK after the CV dies down and things return to ‘normal ‘ you will be able to self refer for free counselling through the NHS via Mind.

What your brother did at that event was wrong on so many levels. He is minimising his behaviour for it to seem like a ‘normal’ thing to do.
This is a form of abuse. He also said it infront of someone else, so in his weird disordered brain, he could make it look like it was okay to do.

He is messing with your head and this is cognitive dissonance.

It was a shame, as it was an opportunity missed to put him in his place and tell him that you were not okay with his bullying behaviour and sexual abuse.
But you were ambushed and shocked at his audacity to say that infront of somebody.

You are incredibly brave confronting this all.
I would also have a research of cluster b personality disorders.
Your brother may well be narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic.
These disorders fit the abuser styles and it helps you to know what you are dealing with and how to try and deal with them.

Generally speaking cluster b’s: never take responsibility for their actions.
They manipulate and project things into you.
They bait and twist.
They gaslight and make you feel like you are going mad.
They love bomb, devalue and discard.
They play people off against each other.

Infact so many things! I could go on and on!

Pinterest is good for information on subjects!

YouTube channels for narcissism:
Inner integration
Surviving narcissism
Dr Ramani
Sarah Speaks

Also look at childhood Emotional Neglect. If your parents are not supporting you now, they probably didn’t support you when you were a child.

Sorry, lots of research to do in Lockdown!

At least you’ll know what you are dealing with!

Stay strong and stay well!💐🌺💐🌺

Thank you so so much for all that information! That's all so helpful I didn't realise I can self refer I'll have a look at that tonight now the kids are in bed. I feel now like I really have a chance at living with this better so thank you so much.
My mom called me today and just asked how me and the kids were. Didn't mention anything about any of it. It's so hard because I knew deep down they wouldn't talk about it. The whole time I was growing up we never discussed ANYTHING. It was always just Mom's way or nothing. I feel now like I've just soured the relationship and it will be the elephant in the room for the rest of our lives.
It's hard to accept how unhealthy a lot of my childhood actually was.
Thank so much again I'm going to get started now. You have made such a difference to how I feel thank you.
You take care too and stay safe and I hope quarantine isn't too bad for you xxxxx

If in uk, you can self refer through nhs IAPT site If your area as one(think most do)
For counselling.
Also Mind as mentioned
I’d also google free counselling (then your area)

There’s probably a long waiting list, so ask when you get through to mind and any other charity places in your area