ive been on anti depressants most my adult life have terrible anxiety etc. last four years have not been bad at all moved to new town to be with my partner miss my family and home town but see them when i can and was thrilled last october when i managed with help of a lovely Gp to reduce my anti depressants.
like most people the thought of this virus is awful since i have been with my partner ive had a few minor things tonsillitis etc coped with them fine but i did warn my partner few years ago i had really bad flu and in the end for safeties sake my daughter took me to stay with her. anything to do with chest or bowels forget it (or vomiting)
sunday just gone i was ok bit fed up mooching round the house. i do have fibro and epilepsy partner has said best i stay put in the house but have occasionally when no one about taken dogs for a run over local field. he is the only driver so even though he has a risk it is easier for him to do shopping etc. his self employment is finished due to all this and so he is relying on his on line business to make us money to live on so pops to the post office most days. i know a lot of folk wont agree with it but we have to eat and pay bills.
anyway monday about 5 in the morning i had to run to the loo with an upset stomach only happened twice but i was a jibbering wreck all day lay on the sofa panicking and trying to sleep it off.
partner said id probably be ok next day it was probably bit of food poison he had similar and we did have something sunday bit dodgy. anyway yesterday i was so panic stricken all i keep thinking is i want to kill myself i really do i even have it planned how to do it. i do have a long history of suicide and self harm.
in desperation this morning i rang drs and said to receptionist how desperate i felt and she told me to hang on she would get dr to ring me which she did. briefly she arranged for my veneflaxin to go back up again and to tide me over three days of diazepan i took one this morning felt bit better they are 2mg meaning 6mg daily then this afternoon about five i was sweating shaking panicking so i had to take another one as told to. they have told me that by the time the veneflaxine kicks in the diazepan should be keeping me going until then.
the mental health crisis team rang they said when the virus has calmed down they would suggest more counselling for me and i can ring anytime 24 hours a day. my partner is a sweet darling but he does not do or understand mental health i said about these dark thoughts of killing myself in my head and he just changed the subject not to be rude just i think it scares him stupid.
i am terrified the diazepan will run out and the veneflaxin wont be doing what it needs to how can i get these bad thoughts out of my head? how can i get through tomorrow or the day after? how can i keep myself going the next few weeks while we are on lock down i know i have jobs to do but i cant get the energy to do them i go upstairs to the loo and by time i come down i am exhausted.
please it has taken a lot to write this i know lots of people are sick and dying but this is very real to me