twisted logic - long (trigger suicidal thoughts)

[Icare1234]

I’m not actively suicidal but I hate the thoughts that I’m useless, should be dead. Please help get to a point of lessening my thoughts .

I have a relative with cancer.I have not been in touch with him. I was prompted by self isolating to call him as I know he will have the full four months. It came out like I only really care when I can understand a little. I can’t explain without giving more poor excuses. I posted here and someone said apologise and really mean it.
.
The background is I’m bad socialising or showing that I care. Part of that is autism. I keep letting people down. Mostly my parents otherwise people like that relative. I can’t apologise because I know it’s quite likely I’ll just let them down again (they don’t know about the ASD and now isn’t the time.)

Twisted logic, “I’m such a horrible person, I don’t get better. It’s no good caring if you don’t show it. A person is only as good as the relationships they have and love they show and others know. I don’t deserve to live, I should be dead or someone would kill me. This is not an isolated example I let anyone close down.”
I know killing myself or self harm would mean more pain for other people.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

Can you challenge those thoughts? For example:

I’m such a horrible person, I don’t get better.

Last week I gave Beryl at work part of my lunch because she'd forgotten to bring hers. The other day I lent someone a fiver to get home at they didn't have enough. I'm kind and generous and I help people out.

We often have these thoughts but they are easily challenged.

Can you start a gratitude journal?

Write three things every day that you are grateful for. For example,

Today I'm grateful for having a roof over my head. I love my new shoes and am grateful for those. I'm grateful that I have a job because I can afford to go on holiday later this year.

If you think you might harm yourself or aren't sure please dial 111 and speak to NHS direct. Other things you can do is contact the Samaritans for a chat or Saneline who have a phone line from 4:30pm to 10pm. You could also try the National Autistic Society to see if they have any support groups near you or perhaps some helpful information.

Thank you for responding. I think everything’s getting on top of me. I’m helping people all day that are affected by the Coronavirus. Don’t have a huge role to play but people are really upset.