Hey all,
I have only posted a couple of times on here and am grateful to everyone who tries to offer a thought that may help...but I think I'm really stuck at the moment and can't afford to be stuck in anyway!...A brief intro, Mum of 3 under 7 an little one is 2. Husband is vile towards me most of the time, and although I don't start badly with him when we comes into the same space, it feels like he has an agenda and I generally don't feel like I can have one so when it comes to getting anything done and he just ploughs on directing children or doing something he fails to even acknowledge anyone else, and in particular me, and if I say anything which may mean stopping to work out what is best, then he'll walk off and abandon any engagement with all of us. I know he fells underappreciated because since I realised how much I was stopping doing things I need to because of him keeping me on egg shells or not planning with me or helping appropriately I have just done the same to him. However, he is the breadwinner so I ultimately want to support that and I have blind loyalty, faith and love but none of these have earned his respect.
I just lost my 2nd job since having to go back to work after the 2 little ones. I'm feeling low about it, I pride myself in my work and I guess that could have been my downfall, for not being as available and flexible as they want with children! It also isn't my previous career, but I am so mushy after 7 years, I always felt like others didn't value the skills I have and my manner seems to make people think I'm not on their side, even though I truely am, I'm a leader, I'm passionate but I think this comes across as being like a threat or annoying! I jsut wanted to fit into something that I can manage around the children! I am sad becuase I'm so genuinely a people person and want genuine teamwork, I find that I test people too much and don't like 'playing the game' very much. So lots of factors mean my husband hates the pressure of now being close to loosing the house whilst I can't hold down any job, and no time to retrain.
My whole department was cut where I was when first pregnant so I can't go back and took redundancy for that, a great package becuase I was earning a fair bit above average. That kind of work seems impossible now and so I took just simple practical service jobs, but it seems I'm so mushy from being with children for 7 years I even find those tricky...actually this is not true. I was praised for committment and ability and customer service and did make the odd mistake when learning the ropes or being put in a ridiculous situation but most of the time found I was taking higher responsibility . I have always prided my self on doing a good job and loved the immediate customer facing side of these 'smaller' jobs I used to do when I was a student! So, I'm now having to try and spring off those two job, into what?
So the impact of not being happy in marriage, onto my confidence and into my plans for work - not blaming OH entirely - except that he takes a higher moral ground and pretends it isn't his problem or he doesn't care but still find the time to be rude about it in front of the children. Like dinner times, he won't come and eat my food, he doesn't like it he says, but then east a curry with a beer or has a dirty burger. So the children think it is fine to not eat my food, hunt for snack and generally not enjoy sitting together for any dinners. My heart aches.
Obviously OH is stressed and I just have to work and sadly it matters not where I came from or what I would like to do. I'm stuck in a world where I can't do what makes me happy (a specific hobby) and nor can I use what I did before, it seems I am not ready with a pre-schoolers hours until next year but then how do I launch back into earning enough with no time for preperation?
Take today, I lay in bed totally dejected knowing my husband is under pressure and knowing if I don't get up and look after the children everything gets worse, or get on finding a job we will be loosing the house. I'm paralysed. Put me in a life threatening situation, I can move mountains, clam foccused and able to command intelligently, and quickly assess risks. Put me around someone who seems to like me and I can work with and I feel like the world is my oyster. But right now, I can't see any options to play to my strengths.
The 3rd vital bit of info here is that I have no family or old friends here, and my husband won't socialise together with anyone I suggest. He simply doesn't go out. So all those other families we could be out having a laugh with occasionally are busy forging their lives with their kids growing up together and sharing childhoods and mine are suck with me here in the middle of nowhere (which we thought a good plan originally) because they all live next door to each other in the village near the school etc. Wow, talk about feeling left out, no matter what I try, inviting their friends to tea, even a sleep over and I still seem to not get any way of sharing lives on a regular basis. I'm friendly, and perhaps it is simply logistics, one Mum was only to happy to tell me she could do alternate picks up because she already does it with her next door neighbour, even though I was suggesting a 3 way. I'm so sad about it all I feel like it is affecting my voice, I can't seem to pipe up at the opportunity as well, and the worry of it stalls me, or I say things that just seem like it is me clutching at straws, that is never a good approach to new friends or building a new relationship. I'm feeling like we as a family are in a big knot and all roads are signed inaccessible. Any thoughts from you guys here would be great, I'm feeling vulnerable, I am good at telling the truth so am aware of the negatives, I guess ideas and friendliness are what I'm missing. I used to make all the effort with my family, I used to take the kids up to see them all but they just wouldn't contact me unless I make the effort. So it seems like I have a people issue going on here, and I just am not doing the right things to be someone again. Phew. Thanks for reading...you can see in this post that I'm all over the place. I feel like I need a guide but we have no money for life coaching etc?!
I'm pretty impressed if anyone has got through this post, and if anyone is kind enough to offer any pearls of wisdom. I feel like I need a mentor. Love to all out there and good luck in the coming Coronavirus threat x