That's just it really. I probably need about six different threads to communicate my thoughts but here goes.
I suffer from anxiety. I am currently a sahm - have a pre-schooler plus two older dc. I used to work full-time, then cut my hours down to part-time then had dc3 and decided that without extended family it would be hard to juggle everything (my boss changed my hours - less flexible,) so I stopped working. I used to work in an office full time, then part-time etc. Staying at home these past few years has definitely affected my confidence and made my anxiety a lot worse, so I intend to start off doing some voluntary work when dc3 starts pre-school next year.
Also, this year, I have discovered that I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Weirdly, I always thought the root to a lot of my problems were due to the fact that I was physically and emotionally abused (constant criticism, belittling etc.) by my father and this was what had impacted my mental health the most i.e. anxiety. But actually, upon reflection my mother has also had a hand in destroying my self confidence. I discovered this by chance when I stumbled upon an article about 'ignoring narcissistic' mothers and could almost tick every box in relation to my mother. My mother and I are estranged - well up until recently, until I contacted her after 5 years of non-contact believing that I had a part to play in our non-contact situation. I explained my point of view about the event leading up to our non-contact and felt our meeting went reasonably well but over a month later and there has still been nothing from her. I think, having visited her, I can now more easily move on, feeling as if I've done everything I can to try to reconnect. But true to form with the narcissistic bit, she has not shown any intention to contact me or her grandchildren, the youngest of which she had never met (feel angry typing this, but maybe that's a good thing). And I totally believe that she expects me to carry on trying to build bridges.
I know we cannot go on blaming these people in our lives for we only then live in victim mode but I do feel angry and cheated and I have felt very lonely and isolated because all of this has left me feeling bad and anxious. I know I need therapy. Therapy is expensive and I know I should justify because it is health related but I am scared of finding the wrong therapist and throwing £££'s away. Or perhaps I am just scared of the therapy failing. This thing about finding yourself. Has anyone managed to work their way out of the baggage or anxiety that having a narcissistic mother can bring? It was weird stumbling upon this article. I had been trying to explain to my friends how my mother had been emotionally absent all the years of my childhood but knew that whilst they were trying to be understanding, they couldn't actually related to how it feels (although many I have spoken to have had some sort of issue with their mother). My confidence is at an all time low. I despair because I have never really found my way in life (except recently I stumbled upon a lovely hobby, something I enjoyed in childhood). I envy people who seem to be passionate about their work and know exactly what they like. And then there are the people who seem perfectly content in their own company whereas being left with myself and all my anxiety and feelings of loneliness doesn't feel like such a great thing. I'm middle aged now and all I seem to do is beat myself up about not being good enough, having a well paid job etc. I have probably adopted some of the narcissistic traits which hasn't always helped me to fit into situations, I see that now and I feel angry that over the years I have been fobbed off with pills and no proper assessment as to underlying causes and then I stumble upon this and it all starts to make sense. Isn't it hard knowing that no-one is going to rescue you - that you have to sort things out yourself when you're in such an awful mess. And then there are all these messages going around about not choosing to spend time with friends who drag you down/think negatively. But hang on a minute, people like me are advised to interact with more positive thinking people. Eh? Just put on a front then until you can become one of these socially acceptable people who everyone wants to be around. You can tell I'm a bit lost can't you.
Will stop rambling now. But if anyone can relate, I would be interested to hear your point of view. And thanks to the lovely person who has supported me on mumsnet regarding this issue - your wisdom has proved invaluable and has enabled me to open my eyes to what is really going on, though I tried at first to deny it.