How long does it take to get over someone and move on?

[allgonebellyup]

cos it doesnt seem like itll ever happen for me. i still have to see my ex every single weekend when he comes to pick up ds and so i feel like i cant move on.
i finished with him but now he is with someone else and i cant move on at all. All i do is cry and feel huge regret that i have stuffed up mine and my childrens lives forever.he used to totally adore me so how can he be with someone else???

i cant see how any of these feelings will ever change when i have to see him all the time. i cant even hate him as he did nothing wrong, i had just been severely depressed for 3yrs and taken it all out on him, and thought i wanted to live alone.

OH allgone
I wish I had something useful to say, but I am sending best wishes to you and your DCs.
Don't they say it takes 1/2 as long as a relationship lasted to get over it, or something like that?
Don't know whether that helps or not, obviously it's not remotely scientific
All I can say is it will happen for you, you will get over it and move on. It may just take a while.
In the meantime you have beautiful children who love and need you.

well you need to deal with the depression first as i'm sure nothing will seem right while your feeling this way, you obviously made a choice that you felt was right maybe its the fact he is with someone else that bothers you as you feel maybe he didn't really like you but he probably did but if someone finishes with you then you have to move on and this is what he has done he thought you no longer wanted him

why not sit down and tell him how you feel he may be able to help you they say you have to give yourself 6 mths to get your feeling of independance back but if you suffer from depression this will be hard for you see if you can maybe see a councilor

good luck

thanks

i have tried to talk to him but he doesnt want to listen

got appt with doctor on wednesday, dont really know if i want to go on ADs but i may as well give it a go, doesnt it take ages before they start working? as i took them years ago and they did nothing!

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this.

ADs normally take a good month or so to kick in, but they may help you deal with the sinking feeling that goes with depression.

Your GP may not prescribe ADs at all, but look into something like counselling to help you deal with this situation.

Good luck.

aww hunni i have just found this thread

you will move on in time it has prob taken me 2 years at least....

I think it was prob made easier as ex dp picked dd up from nursery had her over night and took her back to nursery the next day, so i didnt have to see him very often,,,
is there anyone else who could do the pick ups for a while... beacsue i think that would make it easier for you.....

I feel awful guilt when dd crys about going to her dad's i feel awful that she is part of single parent family.... but all in all she is very much loved by both of us. and we make sure she feels secure,

there is a book called how to mend a broken heart that i got from whsmith.... and there are good relate books available...

stay strong, i bet you are a fab mum

It took me 7 yrs to get over someone who left me (after a 7 yr relationship)

someone told me its harder for the leaver than the leavee sometimes - which its sounding like for you.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

Can you revisit the reasons you wanted to live alone and do some small things for yourself so that you start to enjoy it? I know that sounds simplistic, but small things during each day (and one day at a time) can really help I think.

oh my god, 7 yrs! if it takes me that long i will kill myself, im sure i will..

although sometimes i look at him living at his cramped hovel of his mothers house with his pregnant girlfriend (in a grotty town) and i almost feel sorry for them.
His girlfriend is as rough as you like(irrelevant!), and she is 33, old enough not to be living in her bloke's mum's house in a tiny bedroom??

Hi!

Can I ask, did you feel this way about him before he got the new girlfriend or is it since?

You can get over him and move on but it takes a lot of determination. You have to completely change your mindset, your way of thinking. Everytime you find yourself thinking about him and his new life, stop yourself! Force yourself to think about something else.
Try to look at all the positives you have in your life, do something new/different for yourself. Reinvent yourself. Fill your mind with thoughts of you rather than him.

And you know, he may not be interested now but, when he see's his ex all happy and laughing again, he may just show a renewed interest again xx

Actually, it was when i found out he had someone new that i fell apart. i didnt really care before.. what does that mean then? i think i just assumed he would be pining for me for a long time, and it turns out he wasnt..
although he is still v v angry at me for finishing with him.

It means you are suffering from a very natural feeling - jealousy!

My bet is that if you got him back you would find yourself wanting to be on your own again.

It takes a very brave woman to leave a relationship and you did it! And you did it for a reason. I bet right now you only remember the good times, how nice he was etc. Try thinking about all the things that made you want to leave, so passionately that you actually went through with it.

Then, when you find yourself thinking about the new girlfriend, think about her having to put up with all the crap that you are now free of!

Embrace your new life! You are single and can do as you please! I bet you are the envy of a lot of women on here!

And course he is angry with you for finishing with him, his pride is hurt

And finding this new girlfriend is probably his way of not pining for you, but it's got you pining for him instead!

To be honest, even when i wanted to finish with him, i knew i didnt want it to be permanant, if that makes sense.
i was suffering from depression since our ds,3, was born and i took all my aggression out on dh. he wasnt perfect but he was the closest ive ever found!
dont know how to deal with it all really..but thanks for your kind words.

And i know i am not the envy of anyone right now, we are about to lose our home for a start!

He says its not his pride, but the fact that i ruined his perfect family and the life we had together. He says all he wanted was his own family and i destroyed it.

Lucky he's got a new baby on the way then, isnt it?

I know exactly what you mean and I really feel for you.

I have suffered from depression and I looked for a reason for it, I couldn't understand why I was depressed, something or someone had to be causing it. Of course, the closest thing to us is our partners so thats where we look first. I blamed my partner and our relationship for my depression. I did leave him for a while but I was no better for doing so, I just swapped one problem for another.
Luckily he took me back. It hasn't been easy but we are happier than ever now.

I'm so sorry that your dp has moved on. It's a shame he couldn't understand your depression. I think the reason he won't listen to you now is that he may be scared that he will get too close again, maybe he feels it would be too 'dangerous' for him, what with the baby on the way [hmmm]

One day, he will be prepared to listen to you, I'm sure of that, but meanwhile, you do your best to pick yourself up and start focussing on yourself!

I'm sorry to hear you are about to lose your home too. Do you have somewhere else to move to?

yes you are right , he says he would never let me get close again for fear of rejection again.
plus now he has a whole new relationship & family. he cant have been that upset, could he??!

Yes, I think he can. He has basically tried to replace what he has lost.

I think he is probably feeling very angry at you at the moment. Sorry for that but if he loved you and loved the family life he had with you it's only natural.

I think you should give him time. Be nice to him, be friendly and most of all be happy and smiley when you see him!
Don't try to force him into talking about the relationship, this will only push him further away.
Could you write him a note or send him a card telling him how sorry you are that things ended the way they did? Don't go into too much detail (men shut off when there's too much detail ) but just let him know that you never meant to hurt him, you love him and you wish him every happiness. Then leave it at that.

You never know what might happen somewhere down the line.
Not only am I an optimist but I love a happy ending

Actually i have already sent him a letter a few weeks ago saying exactly that, and how happy he made me for 5yrs etc. He said he nearly cried reading it.
So why would he set up home with someone else straight away?

i totally agree with you about the being happy in front of him thing, truth is i end up sobbing or making him very angry so it aint working so far!
but from now i on will put on the HAPPY face, not that it will do much. He says he would not come back to me if his life depended on it, and he hopes i meet someone else soon!

try your very best not to cry in front of him. Men hate to see their women cry beacuse they don't know how to deal with it. They feel responsible because they can't make us better. In turn, this makes them get angry with us because they feel we are making them feel bad beacuse they are powerless to help us. Did you get all that?

I wonder who he is trying to convince when he says he wouldn't come back to you if his life depended on it, you or himself?

I think the best thng you can do for the time being is concentrate on you! Treat yourself with kindness, really look after yourself, Anything to make yourself feel better. Then, when you are feeling on top of the world, when you really love yourself, ask yourself if you still want him back.

Maybe by the time you have finished you will remeber why you left in the first place and you will be ready to move on.

I don't know if you are on any medication to help you but, I found St john's wort and the supplement 5htp very very helpful, they did me the world of good!

thanks for that, but i dont think he is bothered by me crying as he isnt "my man" any more!

am actually on anti-depressants as i am so low, but i am starting to remember some of the reasons i wanted to be on my own, which is good. the ADs arent working properly as they're making me very high and low, so its driving me to insanity, and im not making great judgement at the mo.

come on allie - you and me together can do this I have no idea who long it will take to get over m now XH(h) were together form 17, for 8 years - I prey to god it doesn't take me 8 years to get over him. but so far to help me on the way i'm doing postive things such as:

sorted out my money
gone out shopping wiht my own trinny/suze
got out and about meeting new people
looking into college courses
had nails/hair done- all supperficicail but crucial for helping wiht my esteem - also the weight's been dropping off

fwiw H seems to be taking a slight intrest as well - is now telling me all his goings on and where he is etc when he calls 'incase i need him' - seriously like I care! anyhow,

can't tell you how long it will take- nor can I tell you how i'll feel when he eventually finds someone new - but what I can tell you is you will get stronger and thru this - keep positive, us girls will do it otgether, you me and muma & anyone else who's newly single lately!

yes i am doing stuff for myself:
went on hols with my girlfriends, booked up my new OU course, am applying for post grad courses for next year,sorting out if we can keep the house etc..
so fingers crossed we will be ok in a couple of years..