Hate myself

[paranoid56]

I've name changed because I'm paranoid about being outed. I can't really talk about how I've got to this point, but the last 18 months have been hell. I don't trust anybody anymore and am pushing everyone away, so they can't hurt me. I hate myself if I let anyone in, why would anyone care.
I've started punching myself in the face and calling myself names, probably best not repeated. This is actually preferable to the repeated overdoses, suicide attempt, cutting and burning which was all out of control.
I feel very alone, I'm fed up with the system. I'm unrecognisable from the person I was 18 months ago.
Now I feel I've said too much and someone will be watching and it'll be used against me. Everything is such a mess.

@paranoid56
What has triggered this all off?
Are you getting support of any kind?
Are you having counselling for traumatic situations you have had?

Please try and stop hurting yourself, replace the behaviour with something kinder to yourself, make yourself a hot drink, listen to music, watch something funny, watch YouTube videos by:
Matthew Hussey
Russell Brand
Alex Cormont
Crappy childhood Fairy
Susan Winter

anything to distract yourself from hurting yourself again.

I hope you can get lots of support.
Possibly you might have Complex Ptsd.
Check out Richard Grannon on YouTube who talks about it.

Thanks for replying I am getting support from the community mental health team and my counsellor, things have got worse but haven't self harmed for 2 weeks, but the situation I'm in is unbearable.
I used to talk on here openly about it but I can't because of being recognised and the potential legal implications.