I am a dispicable person and i don't deserve my family

[lucyellensmum]

i just can't do this anymore. I am so self absorbed and weak that i have almost driven my wonderful caring partner to a nervous breakdown. This morning i had him in my kitchen with a knife in his hands saying he could just end it for himself now. This was because i was going overboard over a cock up by the council tax saying they were sending the bailiffs, if i had kept calm and acceptad that the woman was going to call me back then ten minutes later it was all resolved, their monumental cock up and its sorted now. The reason my DP is on the edge like this is totally because of me, an evil, selfish bitch, i honestly cannot find the words to describe how much i hate myself right now. I just obsess the whole time about being scared of this illness , that illness etc etc, im ADs for anxiety disorder and im always making him come home from work over one drama or another. My teenage daughter hates me, and all i live for is my little DD (aged 2.2), im so terrified that i am going to die and not be here for her it takes over my every waking moment. The ADs are helping but you would think wouldnt you that i would be able to sort myself out. Ive got a PhD, but i wont get a job, i use the SAHM thing as i really dont want to leave my DD in case something terrible happens. I cant allow myself any happiness because if i am happy i know it will go wrong, and i dont deserve it after all the pain i have caused. The reason i am writing this is to apologise to all of you, i've tried to offer support to others on here but im in no place to do so, making my advice and support hollow and worthless. So i am really really sorry for everything.

good luck and lots of bubbles take carex

Lucyellensmum, phone the GP's surgery and tell the receptionist that it is an emergency and you insist on an appointment. Cry if you have to. The GP will want to see you if he/she knows how bad you feel.You will have to insist though as most GPs won't have any free appointments left by this time so will have to agree to see you as an emergency.
They won't take your child away. She needs her Mummy and you need her.

Well you can always talk here

Hope you feel calmer soon-go take care of your little one.

Hi there, anxiety is a terrible thing. I went through something similar when my dd1 was starting nursery. I decided I was moving out as kids would be better off without me and dh could raise them, I stressed about EVERYTHING and had such a strict routine to get myself through the days that my kids were bathed and in pjs at 4.30, come one....whats that all about. The good news is.... I completely lost it one day and had to phone my mum to take the girls, she came down armed with Valium and made me take it. I then drove with my dh to a very special place of ours and because of the Valium I was able to calmy explain how I was feeling. We established that I loved him and didnt really want to leave I just felt that I was a useless mum etc etc, when we had finished discussing things I felt much better. We worked together over the coming months and now I am a completely different person. I did not come through the otherside as the same person I once was but I did come through the other side. You are a worthwhile, wonderful person who beleive it or not your family love. Your dp feels like ending it etc because he feels so useless that he cannot help. Go and see your gp again please, they will not take your dd off you they will just amend your medication. Once you feel calmer on the inside you need to talk to the people who can help you get through this. I.e dp. I promise it will get better.

Please go back and read your opening post and pretend to yourself that someone else wrote it. I'm certain you will see someone who is clearly not horrible, not despicable, not selfish.

You will see someone suffering, someone unwell, unhappy, in need of some tlc.

Please at least don't allow guilt to add to your suffering.

Please go back to your GP Lucy.

What dose of CItalopram are you on? I started off on ten, ended up pretty much where you are now and went back and my citalopram went up to 6mgs eventually.

I also just started CBT therapy. Where abouts are you. If you are near me I can give you the ladies number. She doesnt charge much but is very good at what she does.

i hope your DD gets better soon.

you are very very unwell

severely and chronically depressed

you need to go back to your GP, or get them to come to you, get the cpns and crisis team involved

you need help to get better

you are not a bad person.

should say 60mgs!

How are you doing LEM?

thankyou everyone for your concern. If i thought my day had a bad start - it got worse!! While i was in the bath with DD i got a phone call from DD1 to say my mum was ill, could i go round, just around the corner so i gets myself ready and goes round there - OMG how ill was she, vom and diareoahh, everywhere and going into an addisons crisis (something she gets if she gets ill as she has no adrenal glands - long story) So basically spent the rest of the day in A&E, it does go to show how selfish i am though as i had that little drama to contend with so i was ok with that, just let it all float over my head.

I am going to talk to my GP regarding upping my medication, there was talk of it but as only been on a month she suggested i wait a bit, as i was only feeling really bad in the mornings and was ok once the meds kicked in. She said once it was fully in my system that might go, but i seem to be slipping back so i will go and see her next week, she is a lovely lady, about my age and really understanding, i think she has a DD the same age as mine.

Its funny, despite me loathing myself so much, i do seem to be able to cope well with DD, that is because she is the light of my life and i adore her. I look at her, she is so lovely and i just feel so guilty for not being happy, how can i not be happy when i have such a dear soul in my life, but i can't let msyelf go, if i let myself be happy i know something bad will happen. I've always thought that. Yes, i do realise how insane that sounds.

My DP is being really distant with me, i had to get him home from work to take care of DD as i had to go into the hospital with my mum so i know he is stressed as his job is falling behind. He is trying to establish a business and im not helping. In fact im doing a really good job of destroying something he has always dreamed of. I am seriously considering leaving him, not because he is a bad person but because i am destroying him. The only reason i dont leave is because he is a fantastic dad to lucy and i dont want to deprive either of them of that bond.

We are financially just about keeping our heads out of the water, but it doesnt take much to have us gasping for air, things are so tight as i dont feel i could work. The ironic thing is that i have quite a high earning potential and could earn much more than DP, but i just can't do it, i can't. Ive no confidence and who would want to employ such a wreck.

I just wish i knew how to make this right, i have had a terrible few years, ive lost my father and he will have been dead two years next week, i never took my DD to see him, he was too ill with alzheimers. I couldnt even bring myself to hold his hand when he died. Another thing to hate myself for. I was cold, objective, thinking, oh i wish you would just hurry up and die because i need to get home to DD. Maybe now you are convinced, im really not a very nice person.

Its strange, i had a lovely dog, called Tiny, shortly after he died, everything went wrong, my dad got sick, my dad used to take the hound out for me while i was at work, it was keeping him sane, as soon as tiny died my dad had nothing to look forward to, everything went wrong. I miss that dog so much, the ironic thing is this, when my dad died, i didnt even cry, when i put my dog to sleep, i was hysterical, inconsolable and just held him for an hour, dead in my arms. What is wrong with me??

LEM I've just read your thread, and I need to tell you that you are definitely NOT a bad person. When i posted saying how absolutely awful I was feeling, you were a lifeline to me - truly. You made me feel that I wasn't going mad. You are obviously an intelligent and deeply thoughtful person,and I think sometimes that makes it harder because you can't help but analyse every situation.I know things seem at rock bottom right now, but honestly,things WILL get better. This won't last forever.

You
Are
Depressed

It's an illness.

It affects our reactions to events and people, making us feel cold and flat.

It makes us take on blame that is not ours (HOW, precisely, is it YOUR fault you had to call your husband home from work to look after HIS DAUGHTER so you could be with your ELDERLY MOTHER who was ILL???! Your husband is an adult too, it's not your responsibility to protect him from life!)

It makes us feel like we are bad people - you are not) - and that we should have more empathy for others ... how much empathy do you expect to have, really?

Rationalise this, LAEM. Have you murdered anyone who was in your way, recently? Then you are not a strange, cold person who is incapable of real feelings, you are a normal woman who is reacting in a normal and depressed way to what sounds like an immense amount of pressure.

Get outside yourself, and think - if I were looking at someone else living my life, reacting the way I react - would I hate them?

Lucyandellensmum, if I told you all this that you have told us, would you hate me? Could you find it in you to forgive me?

You ne4ed to forgive yourself!

lucyellensmum, poor you .I could have written your OP a few years ago. I know it feels like a place so dark and terrible there's no way back, but that is just part of the depression/anxiety. I have chronic anxiety panic disorder too (I don't think people realise what that means, it isn't just about feeling a bit nervy, it's a full-on mind and body disability at its worst, I have been reduced to a blubbering wreck on the floor praying not to die, night after night, KNOWING deep inside that it's anxiety, but still thinking "this time it's different, it's worse").

Don't castigate yourself for being selfish. Illness and exhaustion are selfish, it's just your survival instinct trying to avoid more pain. When you're better, you won't be selfish and you'll learn to like yourself again.

You are ill, sweetheart. If you had pneumonia or MS you wouldn't be blaming yourself, nor would you expect to get better through the use of willpower. Can you talk to your doctor? Would you consider asking to speak to the community psychiatric nurse? Also the antidepressants used for depression aren't always suitable for treating anxiety as well. I take amytriptyline now, I have had to have the dosage increased three times but it is effective. It helps me sleep, which seems to be half of the battle in my case. I used to spend my nights in a horrific war of attrition with the panic attacks and black thoughts, and then drift through the days in miserable exhaustion.

You'll look back on all this one day from a much happier place, honestly. Hang in there. This isn't your fault.

thankyou so much everyone, i am acutely embarrased about yesterday. I was having a melt down which i think was pre menstural. I have a marena coil, i can tell you ITS COMING OUT!! But thankyou everyone. emptyandlost - thankyou so much for what you said, it means alot.

I am still worried about my DP, he seems so distant, he has said he just cant cope with my shit, this morning i was crying and i could just see a cold look on his face, i dont blame him, he has had enough.

I have to turn this around, im scared for my family now. I need to pick myself up and at least put on a front of being positive. I will go to the doctors in the week and i am going to try and persuade him to see the doctor too, although i dont think ADs are for him, he just needs me to stop piling on the shit. I recognise this, but when i get so low i cant stop the words coming out of my mouth even though i can see how much damage i am doing.

My mum is OK now and giving the nurses a hard time so thats a relief. To be fair these crises she has are easy to sort if caught in time, but life threatening if left so i am glad i was able to make the medics listen to me yesterday, its quite frustrating when you have to explain to the medical staff what to do! It is a rare condition though to be fair.

hi lucy ellen's mum

i haven't been on mumsnet for a week, but i remember you were fantastic when i was really low and said some very kind things. you aren't a horrible person. my dp finds it very hard when i'm low, and i know how panicky that can make you feel when you can't even rely on your home situation.

i know you're waiting for therapy, but i'm still waiting for CBT throu the NHS and i asked for it over a year ago. i know things are tight, but if you ring your local hospital they can give you a list of CBT people you could see privately. and some of them offer means-related price bands. it's helped me no end to realise that I am not my thoughts, that thoughts aren't facts and that our minds just go round and round trying to sort things out and make sense of things, but aren't logical. it's so emancipating to just let those crappy thoughts go - like 'i'm shit/worthless/selfish' etc.

i've just started meditating - i know that sounds new agey and bollocks, but it's really calmed me down. i've been doing this thing called 'mindfulness' which is exactly about not paying attention to your thoughts, and not labelling yourself (ie. 'i am mental and depressed and will never get better') and to get yourself free from that shit.

i'm reading a book by john kabat zin (sp?) who runs a stress clinic, and has had amazing results.

and i've tried everything. loads of internet bollocks professing to miraculously work etc, but this is the thing all the CBTers are raving about.

anyway, your thoughts are not you. just coz you think you're shit, doesn't mean you are. you're frightened of your thoughts as well, but we all have bonkers and illogical thoughts - the trick is not to take them seriously, and certainly not to blame or judge yourself. i like it, coz it's all about accepting yourself in all your 'eccentricities'. and believe me, i feel like a total weirdo all the time!

another thing i've been doing is to write a list of positive things in a notebook at the end of the day. again, sounds crap, and sometimes i've only been able to put one thing in, but after a week, at least i can see some positive things in my life.

anyway, blah blah. but you are a very warm and good person. strong emotions (such as your dad dying) makes everyone react in different ways, and who's to say what is right or wrong? i think you need to believe in yourself. easier said than done. the ADs will help, but you need to look after yourself in other ways too. acupuncture is also doing me loads of good.

i've decided to get me an arsenal to beat this thing - while also being dosed up to the eyeballs (30mg citalopram!)

it's hard this life. most people lose it at times. you can mae things better i promise. xxxxxxx

That was a really long message, sorry. But I just think you need a bit of an action plan, to stop yourself from feeling so hopeless and that you're goign in the right direction. That way your DP will see you're making moves and you'll feel a bit more in control.

Big hug. X

thankyou ruby, i know what you say makes sense, but it is hard to listen to advice when it seems i have no control over what is happening to me.

I was going to start a new thread but hey, i might as well carry on with this particular self pitying rant.

I am seriously worried about my DP, i think i have actually driven him to a nervous breakdown. We have had a particularly trying weekend and last night was just awful. My mother had to go to hospital and was seriously ill, yesterday after 2 hours of me tring to persuade her to stay she discharged herself, she was in such a temper, then she got home to find her house in a mess (i had been round there all day trying to clean up, i had to concentrate on where she had had accidents, if you know what i mean and my eldest DD was there and basically had to clear up after her too as she was poorly with a tummy bug) so she was in an acute rage, due to her medical condition as she had been pumped full of steroids, i was so desperately worried about her but she just kept screaming at me and throwing stuff at me, i had to leave. I was sooo beyond stressed and upset. I phoned dp, who also had tummy bug, to ask him to put dd to bed and started ranting on about my mother, he just said, i cant deal with any more and put the phone down. I got home and within minutes, i dont know how, he was in a terrible rage, i was for the first time in my life frightened of him. All this in front of my dd, poor wee soul. He was just screaming at me that he had had enough of me and that i had made his life unbearable and he just wanted me to leave. I managed to calm him down in the end but it was so fucking awful and heartbreaking to see him like that, knowing it is ALL my fault. The thing is, i have just painted a picture of a horrible nasty man, that is so not my DP, he is loving, considerate and basically will do anything for me, but last night he told me he hates me and i could see the loathing in his eyes. He says i just push and push and push and wont ever leave things alone, he is right - i just want resolution to our arguments and i know i should just shut up, i know im being unreasonable but i just cant stop all the shit from pouring from my mouth. Please dont think badly of my DP, its not his fault, he is a loving father and a decent man, he is just at the end of his teather, i want him to go to the doctor but he flatly refuses, but to be honest i think his mental state is worse than mine, if thats possible. I have made a decision that if he does this again i will have no choice but to leave or make him leave as i do not want my DD to grow up seeing this, she adores her daddy and i have destroyed him, she is going to end up hating me too. I dont know what to do, im terrified.

The ironic thing is, i had to have an ulstrasound yesterday for gynae problems and i was terrified, bearing in mind im on ADs for health phobia almost and i had decided that if it was all ok (it was) it was going to be a turning point, i was going to really start to help him with the business and be positive. But how the hell can i do this when events are conspiring against me. He now has to leave the job he is working on and take my mother to the doctors, i have to drag my DD out with her (dd is poorly with bad tummy) as she wants me to go too, i dont drive (too scared) so i have to make DP do it, more pressure, hes not happy but willing to do it. He has lost a job in the past after having so much time off to help with my mother. I am an only child and there is no one else to help me, she has alienated the rest of her family so i coudlnt even ring them over the weekend and get them to take over hospital visits, i just had to drag mysefl over there despite being unwell myself.

Can she not see that had she not discharged herself she wo0uldnt be feeing so shit today and having to go back to the doctors.

Sorry, this is long, all my rants are, but it is the only way i can expunge all the shit from my head.

My DP and i ended the night with a cuddle on the sofa, lovely, but i get the feeling he is putting on a front and will be leaving soon i cannot tell you how heartbroken i am, we have been together 15 years and up until the past two years when everytthing went wrong have had a wonderful loving relationship, he is my soul mate and i have destroyed him with my selfish attitude and constant nagging and paranoia.

What am i going to do?

Hey Lucy. Don't punish yourself so. That's irrational too. Deep breaths.

First things first:

1. Get help for the phobias. The ADs sound like they are helping. Try counselling. Also thing about alternative therapies. I really had a positive experience with hypnotherapy.

2. You know when you are behaving badly so don't. It's not fair on those around you. Try dissociating. By that I mean try imagining you are on a reality TV show and someone is filming the way you are behaving and think how you feel watching that person (you). It's not a good long term technique but it helps moderate bad behaviour in the short run.

3. Try finding a little part-time job to give you an external focus. It doesn't have to be worthy of your skills and brains. It just has to get out of the house.

4. In terms of sensitivity to feelings, imagine your DP as though he were your little girl. Imagine that he is capable of being scarred by your (and his - he is colluding too) behaviours. You could think about going to Relate. They are really fabulous.

Finally I have seen your posts before, and always thought that you made a really positive contribution. I'm glad you are part of this community.

HB thanks i have ot read and run, but we must think aloike, ive jut posted on your racism thread

seems ive scared everyone away sorry guys

i'm still around LEM, how are you?

Hi - I'm here too. Not scared off! How are you?

I'm a bit better thanks, i sent my DP a text today basically saying i would leave if that was what he really wanted, he said he wants me to stay and to make a go of things. I don't think it helps that i have my period and we both have horrible gastric flu. I do waffle on rather a lot dont i. Once i start typing i just cant stop .

I am going to make an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow as i think i need to increase my medication. Either that or the ADs have worsened my PMT, has anyone had experience of that, hmmm, maybe i should start a thread. Yes i think i will.

I want to make it work with DP, im excited that we might have what it takes to make a go of it, but i am scared of his outbursts, scared for him more than anything else.