How do I broach DS' mental health with him?

[QueenOfOversharing]

Posted before about my DS who's 21 - he's addicted to online gaming (and who knows if anything else) - I think from his behaviours that he is depressed. I have MH issues, so I'm prob a bit hyper vigilant about it. I tried to get him to see our GP, he agreed to go, then on the day refused. I can't go on worrying about him and putting up with his shit (if he's actually not depressed, just being a lazy arse).

I have been quite unwell (unrelated, but MH crisis too) for 3 weeks and seeing the GP who knows it's affecting my MH. GP knew he cancelled the appt, so he said he was going to try to call him (pls don't have go, DS has complex health issues, physical disabilities and Im his appointee). DS has not returned the calls.

I made another telephone appt for him for Monday, as in addition to my concerns, DS has had to apply for universal credit inc the health part, so needs GP support.

BUT... I've tried to say to DS I think he is displaying behaviours that make me think he's depressed, which he disagrees with. So I've been thinking a lot about his behaviours, and someone on another thread was talking about diagnosis of adult ADD and ASD - a lot of his stuff falls squarely under traits of ASD. How do I even mention this? Can I?

He has really low self esteem, used to self harm, and I'm terrified of making him feel like he's got more "wrong" with him, IYSWIM. Not suggesting that ASD is "wrong"... apologies for clunky wording!

I just want to ignore it, but things have got so difficult I just can't. THANK YOU if you've read this far!

Bumping in case anyone has any thoughts!

It's very difficult when you're dealing with an adult OP as they have to make that decision to help themselves.

There are various organisations you can contact for help and advice but, ultimately it's up to him. The only thing I can suggest is not to further enable him and to prioritise yourself and your own mental health.

Organisations to contact: Mind, Rethink, National Autistic Society, Scope and there's info here for those with gambling problems.

Could your GP do a home visit?

@12345kbm that's exactly what I've been trying to do - I made it very difficult for him to game by setting up website blocks through my broadband account. I reduced the speed of broadband - I can't get rid or I have no streaming tv. He has no money, but I'm not giving him anything - I buy food & that's it.

I found a fantastic place that just opened in Jan - specifically to treat (therapy) online addictions (15-24). He refused to let me contact them.

I'm a recovering alcoholic (almost 11yrs sober) so I really get it, but it's so hard. I don't understand his addiction. And as I've done all of his health stuff since he was born, I still want to do "what I know will help him". If that makes sense.

But you're right - I need to focus on what I can do for me. I'm ill with a sudden thyroid issue too & was in A&E - he showed zero concern.

Ty for those suggestions. I'll see what will help me.

@Hadalifeonce I hadn't thought of that. I'll see if he engages with GP this evening on the phone call - if not I might try that. Thank you!

I'm sorry as I know how heartbreaking it is to have to stand back and just let someone get on with it. Well done on your recovery. There are organisations for those affected by others' gambling such as Gamanon but that's all you can do. Look after yourself.

@12345kbm it's horrible - really painful, but I get so fucking angry at him too. I know that's wrong!! I love him more than everything, I just can't bear that he's going through all this. But you're right - I need to step back. Thank you!!

It's no problem. I'm wondering if you've read anything about co dependence. You mentioned a drinking problem and co dependence is often liked with alcohol and other dependency issues especially if you had a parent with dependency problems. You could read through the information on CoDA and see if anything resonates.

@12345kbm yes! I'm hugely codependent!! I used to go to CoDA but hated it. Abusive relationships, toxic friendships, yep.

I think this has ended up from me being his only family & carer and I'm struggling to step back.

Are you having any therapy at all? You might find that helpful. I'm sorry to hear CoDA didn't work out for you but it's not for everyone. Have you read Co dependent no more by Melody Beattie? There's a workbook that goes with it that you might find useful.

If you go to the BACP website you can search for therapists that specialise in co dependence.

I'm on waiting list for more psychotherapy (had loads), but it's a long wait. Got great GPs for me & the psychologist who did my assessment can see me if I'm in a crisis.

Yes, I've got the Melody Beattie book & workbook. Haven't looked at in ages, tho. Lol. And I'm doing the classic thing of not going to meetings & isolating. And yet I know better. I know I'm not well. I just want to put my fingers in my ears, IYSWIM.

Thank you for understanding.

You're trying your best OP and that's all that matters. Do you practise meditation or mindfulness at all? You might find that useful while you wait for your psychotherapy to start. There are apps you can download or you can find guided meditations online.

Perhaps dust off your workbook, try practising meditation and reconnect with your support network. Do you have a sponsor at all?

I'm not good at practicing meditation / mindfulness. But it's practice I need. I do have a sponsor, but she's very hands off & as she had other sponsees & I've been through the steps, so she took me on to finish my steps again. Which I've done. And I've alienated myself from my other support. But it'll be ok.