So very tired

[Piddy68]

I am so very tired of making it look like I'm OK. I went through a very traumatic marriage breakup a couple of years ago where my ex had an affair but was emotionally and mentally abusive, when I grew suspicious made me feel like I was going mad etc etc. He broke me utterly but although I am coming out of that I have so many other pressures. I support my father and learning disabled brother (gave up a very successful career to do so after my mother died, which I absolutely do not regret doing), I am the chair of a big charity committee and from the outside all looks great. And that's my fault because I make everything look good and awesome and like I can cope with anything but in reality, when I get home and shut my front door, I'm falling apart. I have to be strong for so many people and it's my fault because I refuse to look weak and I don't like to show I'm struggling.

But I am. I had a great life but allowed my ex to break me down. I want people to realise I'm struggling but that's unfair because I make it look like I'm OK so how would they know?

Even as I read this I realise how pathetic I sound as there are so many in this world with problems that make mine feel ridiculous. I just want to be happy. Sorry.

I recommend reading "Depressive illness, the curse of the strong" by Dr Tim Cantopher - I think you will recognise yourself in this book.

It sounds like you need some counselling.
You are doing a lot and have been under immense strain with the horrific ending of your marriage, being abused by him.
That is a lot to deal with.

You have also had the stress of looking after your dad and disabled brother.
Did you get to grieve the passing of your mother?
Did you get to deal with the marriage breakup and cheating.
Please check out trauma bonding.
It sounds like you Ex may have been personality disordered. (Narcissist/psychopath/sociopath)

All of these life events will have battered you down and you are putting on a front to look as if all is good.
Have you had any support from family and friends?

I think you need to be authentic and tell someone how things really are before you spiral down.

Go to your G.P and let them know what is happening.

You can self refer to get counselling.

Please check out these relationship coaches on YouTube:
Susan Winter
Matthew Hussey
Derrick Jaxn
Alex Cormont

Please speak to someone about your situation. Love yourself more.

Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I will look at that book.

lexiepuppie, I did not have a good experience of counselling through my marriage break up so that has definitely coloured my opinion of counselling but it probably is something I should look at again...at the very least I will look at those youtube suggestions you made.

Did I get to grieve my mother? In a way yes, but also I coped on the surface by "being the strong one" but in reality perhaps I find that an easy way to bury dealing with my own feelings. I don't think I have ever dealt with the break-up of my marriage. And you are right....he is a narcissist and was diagnosed with a personality disorder. He has totally re-written things in his own mind and absolutely denies saying or doing most of what he did. He told me once that he used to break me down into bits because it made him feel good about himself when he built me back up. Trouble is he did this so often that I was left not even recognising myself and if you had tole me that left was right and right was left I would have believed you.

And god only knows what he told the girl he had the main affair with and ended up leaving me for (even though he made sure I was the one to end things) or what he has told some mutual friends who are still friends with him. I was for sure painted as a dreadful person but at the end of the day I cannot control what people believe and if they choose to believe him and fall for his sob story the so be it.

I supported him through drug addiction.....I gave him my heart and it does suck that this girl is getting the great version of him but who knows....maybe one day she will get to see the true him but at the end of the day that's not my problem.

I only told my father a little of what had happened not that long ago (2 years after the divorce) and only because he told me he didn't understand why I hadn't fought for my marriage. I was trying to protect hm because I knew how devastated he would be for me and I didn't want to upset him but I couldn't have him thinking I hadn't fought tooth and nail which I had. And even now he only knows about 50% of what I went through.

As for friends, there's probably only one I was totally honest with but even then she never got to know the whole truth. She was the most amazing girl.....my soulmate.... but she was struck with breast cancer and then leukaemia. She spent around a year in hospital but was there for me 100% despite what she was going through. When we knew that there was nothing left that could be done, I helped arrange her wedding at our local church......how she got through it I do not know but sadly she passed away the next day. At that point husband and I were still together.....kind of. He used to leave and come back or leave and say he was coming back and then not turn up and one of the times he left was the day after her funeral where I read the eulogy. I guess that says it all.

I was always the strong one and then a few years ago ended up having a breakdown. I would strongly recommend finding a good counsellor. I'm sorry you did not have a good experience before but there are good ones out there.

I'm sorry about your friend.

As for other friends there are one or two that I have talked to but I've never been fully honest mainly because I have discovered that some are still in contact with him so I don't know who I can trust.

Also I am so used to being strong for others that I don't know how to open up for fear of looking weak. I have become so low that I tried to kill myself twice....once a very pathetic attempt but once that I was lucky to survive although I know 100% that I do not want to die and I will never do that again.

I guess that a lot of my issues stem from being so devastatingly hurt by someone I gave my heart to that I daren't risk opening up to anyone but I am going to try. I need to lift myself out of this....only I can do that....and I need to understand that there are people around me who I can trust and who won't judge me.

I apologise for the diatribe but thank you for your kind and supportive words......know that they have made a difference. xx

Thank you Harriet and I will look into it.....it will either work or it won't I guess! As for my friend......I miss that girl every day but was truly blessed to have had someone as amazing as her in my life. She was the only person I could be 100% open with.