I feel worthless

[SausageSimon]

At 19 I had a baby, and went to uni at 20 and I was happy, I was working hard and things were going to be great. I was going to get a good job and I just knew I'd meet a nice man along the way when the time was right.

I finished uni and it's like my entire life fell off a cliff, I had no direction or idea where to go. I'd been seeing someone who was really special to me and that didn't work out and it broke my heart.
Ever since I've been absolutely miserable nearly all of the time

2017 - I'd graduated a few months before, got a regular job to put me on until I found what I wanted to do, I spent most of this year feeling angry and frustrated and was a shit mum

2018- I started on anti depressants and felt a bit better but mostly numb and not really like a person

2019- I came off the tablets and felt ok at times but never great

2020- I now go to counselling and spend the majority of my time wishing I wasn't alive anymore

I got my own business in 2019 to try get a decent income for me and my son, but so far it's plummeting me into debt I'll struggle to get out of so I feel truly hopeless

I'm fat, lost all my self esteem, I have no meaningful relationships, I'm a burden on my family, I can't even get a good enough job for us to live, i'm half the mum I used to be and I feel like I let everyone down, especially DS he's missing out on having a real family and instead he just gets a shit mum who cries a lot and is always moody

I don't know what I'm really posting this for, maybe in the hope that someone will come along and say their entire life was horrendous and now they've come out the other side?

I just find myself wondering why I bother to carry on at all, what am I here for? I'm tired of feeling this way but it feels like no matter how hard I try things will always be shit

All around me I see people getting engaged, buying houses together, having holidays, having babies and actually living when all I do is suffer every day

I've spent the afternoon laid in bed (I had the day off for an interview) crying, my son called in after school with his dad to pick up a few things and he came in smiling and gave me a cuddle. I just cried as he left wishing I could be better for him, he deserves so much more than this

Hey @SausageSimon

You're putting far too much pressure on yourself.

Sometimes life doesn't go how we thought it would, we end up on a path far removed from the path we had planned, our relationship didn't work out, we didn't get the job we thought we were destined for etc but none of those things make us failures or worthless.

You have a child, a child who needs and clearly loves you, you will be his everything; That is something to be massively proud of.

Life does not come with a guide book and instructions, sometimes we fall, other times we rise but you do not have to live your life based on a check list.

Your business hasn't worked out, that's OK because you tried and now you can try something else, thousands of people will have opened businesses for them ultimately not to have been sustainable but it was an experience and that's what life is all about.

You are an individual, you do not need to have it all figured out just because someone else might know what direction they are going in.

You sound very unhappy and I genuinely feel for you (and I hope nothing I have said has upset you) but your focus is on all the negative things, instead of on all of the positives.

Do you keep a journal? I find writing down my thoughts helps me to make sense of them, to separate the good from the bad.

The relationship you had with someone who was very special to you, I'm sorry you were left heartbroken but we all have been through that, it is not a reflection on you as a person, it's just the reality of life. If you allow yourself you will find someone special again!

Life can be brutal but you're young, you have a child, you have opportunities and chances still to come in life, it may not seem so now but I promise you, you do!

You can find a new direction, you can be happy again; Are you currently on medication? If not, perhaps it is something to seriously consider just to give yourself the best chance, it's a better option than doing nothing.

I'm sending you very best wishes, please look after yourself!

Thank you for your lovely message @WagtailRobin I will reply properly later but I just wanted to say thanks. I feel incredibly lost and alone and my mood is massively up and down.

I can be happy, positive and proactive one minute then the next I feel miserable, worthless and wishing I wasn't here anymore