Depression or another underlying mental health issue?

[User9888383]

Can anyone help/give any advice?

I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety from the age of 9, I'm now in my early 30s and my mental health is gradually getting worse and worse.
I've spoken to my GP and once again been put on antidepressants.
The problem being that, although they do help with the intense suicidal lows I feel, they also make me a little loopy (hyperactivity/OCD/paranoia/excessively exercising/irrational/obsessive tendancies get worse) I find it hard to eat and survive on about 3/4 of sleep a night.

People would describe me as extremely shy and quiet and pretty much mute through school. I remember having to perform a dance in front of my class when I was younger, the absolute fear of having to do so meant I couldn't eat/sleep and cried for weeks beforehand due to the intense fear.
I had/have no idea how to act normally around people, even down to what my hands should be doing.
As I've got older these feelings haven't really changed, but I've tried incredibly hard to force myself out of it as best I can.

During my late teenage years I used drink to combat my issues with socialising as I found talking and looking at people very difficult to do, I still do.
Since a young child I've always needed an incredibly strict routine, and for things to be the same. If this routine was/is disrupted in anyway it sends me into a very dark spiral.

Another odd thing would be always needing my room to be dark (curtains closed always) and needing lots of time to be alone.

I have a constant internal monologue and obsessively analyse absolutely everything, especially interactions with people.

I do work but it's minimal as it takes me days to recover. Going outside, traveling and having to communicate with people leaves me feeling sick/dizzy/ and physically/emotionally exhausted.

I'm prone to distructive outbursts which can result in self harm due to not being able to regulate my emotions and I've tried to take my life many times.

I'm afraid of talking to GP or psychologist again for fear of being told nothing is actually wrong with me and I'm stuck in this distructive dark loop for the rest of my life.

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry you're struggling. My story is somewhat similar- with psychiatric conditions from the age of 7, social isolation and lots of involvement from mental health services- I'm now early 30s too.

I agree with you that it sounds like you might have some sort of underlying developmental disorder and whilst I'm not a Psychiatrist I wondered if you'd considered the following diagnoses (any or all of which might not apply to you at all but are worth considering!):

• ASD- Autism Spectrum Disorder: might explain the social awkwardness; need for alone time in dark (to reduce external stimulli); not knowing what to do in social situations and particularly the need for routine.

• ADHD- might explain feelings of inability to control emotions and of life feeling out of control.

• Borderline Personality Disorder: Obviously not a 'developmental disorder' but might be co-morbid with one- might explain self-harm and suicidal aspects and destructive tendencies.

Could you ask your GP for a referral to a Psychiatrist for a full assessment?

Thank you @Elle7rose for your helpful and kind response, I will certainly look into those and do some research x

@Elle7rose
I thought the same.
Autism
Borderline
Adhd