.Please see the trigger warning as I need to speak about this but don't want to cause any hurt.
I gave birth to my LO about 20 months ago. It was a very traumatic birth but the aftercare was worse. We were both very poorly and I'd lost a lot of blood. While in aftercare I was assaulted by staff. One miked me so hard I was severely bruised. I had no milk because I was induced and I'd lost about 2.5litres of blood but they forced me to keep trying as I'd said I'd like to BF. I went unconscious at one point while the MW continued to milk me whilst DS essentially starved (and we ending up back in hosp a few days later because his Blood ugars were an low)
Another shoved a speculum so hard and fast up me to see if my 3rd degree tear had become infected. It had. And it was more painful than giving birth and tearing.
The last was on the over-hot, over-crowded ward and not being aloud my curtain drawn and so I had no privacy and I begged to let me have a private room but she said no even though it was available. I begged and begged and said I'd remortgage my house to pay to it but she said no and violently pulled my curtains open and stood there so I couldn't shut them.
After I got home, obviously I had PND and anxiety. I had a lot of help from the perinatal MH team and had a debrief and informed pals. There were investigations and One MW has had training on her 'behaviour' (milking) and the other (speculum) was a locum who won't be employed by that hospital again. The privacy one was just following rules as it's safety to have the curtain open. Every professional I've spoke to has said it sounds as though she was on a power trip.
I'm having EMDR as the experience has left me with PTSD, as you can imagine.
I'm just really struggling tonight and this isn't actually what I wanted to post at all but know I've written it all down and reading it back it's all just so horrible and I don't know. I need you to say how that wasn't right and validate it?
God okay, here goes what I actually wanted to post. So I was going to give a very very quick brief background on the birth as birth injuries and my body has completely changed since pre baby so I wanted to give just a tiny bit of info but as I started writing it all gushed out.
So I had stress incontinence and I've got a severe prolapse on going. Went for my 6 week check and got referred for physio to help with the incontinence and prolapse. Fine.
During my pregnancy, just before 12weeks we had a complication and we weren't able to have sex anymore. It was strange as we had being trying to conceive for over a year so used to having very regular sex down to nothing. That's fine. It was worth it. Hard especially towards the end. Anyway. Gave birth and then I'd say from about 4weeks after DH started asking questions about when I'd think I'd be ready for sex again. I said no way yet. We spoke about it a lot and he wasn't pestering but it was obvious he wanted to do it.
I didn't really want sex but was craving the closeness and lovingness we had and lost in that newborn fog.
So had my 6 week check and Dr said I could have sex if I was ready. My mum was over and downstairs with DS and DH and I were having a nap upstairs and I was telling him about the app. He was interested in if I wanted to, I didn't know but happy to try and see what it felt like.
We tried, it didn't hurt, felt uncomfortable though and it was lovely getting that sense of normality back. Anyway. Fast forward to now and I feel so confused. I wasn't ready. It had been 6 weeks! I'd almost died! Our baby almost died! My insides, albeit being worse now, were outsides when I pushed a poo out that's to the prolapse. Even though I was happy and consenting at the time, I feel now a little taken advantage of.
Anyway it's all come to a bit of a blow as for the second time only since giving birth I've felt a little bit horny. Great. Except DH didn't and wanted to sleep. And it all came pouring out that he was happy to force me to have sex with him 6 weeks after birth (he didn't I just said this to hurt him and he's confused as have never bought it up before) and he didn't want me know I have saggy, deflated boobs, stretch marks upon stretch mark and a worsening prolapse. My body is a Trainwreck it's like something used to live in it but now it's just this stretchy, wrinkely, jelly like mass.
So I feel a bit rejected because we so rarely have sex now and when we do, it's consentual and loving, but I could give or take. It's not for my benefit. The kissing and cuddling is nice but the actual sex is.. meh. I can't feel anything down there anymore. Cheers birth injuries.
And I keep thinking back to being in that boiling, stuffy ward and how I put DS in a little vest because to me it was so so hot but it probably wasn't to him and he was shaking and just a tiny little new born. No one told me and I kept asking why is he shaking. and i keep flashing back To his starving, freezing little body and wishing I could go back and put it right.i failed him so much. I let them stab at him so many times trying to put a canular in. I should of insisted they used emla cream. all he knew was pain when he was born. I wish I'd given him formula straight away as he came out as was hungry. And they took him from me to put the cannula in him. I should have said no. He's perfect now. But I want to rewind and start over with him.
Jesus this is going to have been the longest post ever. It's not really something I can call up my friend and talk to about. I don't even know why I'm posting. Maybe because these things happened and they night not be a.lot to someone but to me I feel it's changed my whole life.