I don’t really know why I’m posting this but the recent passing of Caroline Flack seems to have brought this back a bit for me.
When I was a teenager I had a long term boyfriend. It wasn’t a particular good relationship. I was so in love with him but he wasn’t very good to me. He was verbally abusive a lot and pushed me around sometimes and he cheated on me a number of times but I never really knew for sure, I was very weak and stayed with him much longer than I should have. One evening when I was still 17 and he had already turned 18, he was out drinking. I couldn’t go because I didn’t have I.D. I called him and he was so drunk he answered but didn’t realise he hadn’t put the phone down and I heard him talking about trying to pull my best friend who was also out. I contacted her and she was equally drunk and wasn’t very nice to me. I put the phone down to both of them and I felt physically sick. I knew they were both drunk and would end up together. I was desperately trying to call them both and no answer. I couldn’t handle it at all and this is the part I’ve never told anyone, but at the moment I felt so alone and heartbroken I attempted to take my own life. I Think it was an accumulation of everything he had done and that night was the last straw. I took as many pills as I could find, which was about 20 paracetamol from what I remember. I was so distraught I remember just being so exhausted and getting in my bed and going to sleep and thinking I never wanted to wake up. But I did wake up. And luckily didn’t have a single effect which I’ve often wondered how.
I’ve never talked about the fact I done that and even now with all the talk of not having shame about mental health etc I would never admit it to anyone in real life.
But what I did want to say to anyone reading...that awful feeling I had in that moment, when I woke up it had passed. I still felt distraught but the feeling of wanting to end it had passed. It’s really affected me how Caroline, and potentially so many others have lost their lives while being in that same moment and mindset I have been in myself.
Anyway I’m not really sure why I needed to share - just getting it off my chest I suppose.