Hi all,
I have no idea what to do or who to talk to. My mental health has just hit rock bottom, multiple times a week I imagine killing myself in one way or another and only don't because I'd never do that to my kids.
I can't talk to my OH because so much he doesn't help, he comes home from work and will start acting as if he's the one that does everything if the house is messy. Some days I just can't do the tidying because mentally I'm so drained and depressed that I can't find any motivation to do it. I still keep the living space tidy, it's mainly just the pots that get left.
He acts like he does all the housework if he has to wash up every few days when in reality that's the only housework he ever does. All the bills, phone calls and budgeting are all left to me. He refuses to ever make a single phone call to anyone, I have to do it all and it's incredibly stressful.
My dad separated from his wife in December 2018 (not my mum, but she was around from when I was 10), it was a very messy separation and they're going to court for custody of their kids. I haven't seen my 9 year old sister for 6 months, and before then I only saw her once a month if that. Her mum is completely brainwashing her into thinking we're all horrible abusive people even though we aren't and we'd never do anything to hurt her.
Her mum (my dad's ex wife) was horrible to me and my sister's (dad's kids but not hers) while she lived with us. She'd be physically and emotionally abusive, wouldn't let us have new clothes when we outgrew old ones and wouldn't cook for us if we didn't eat meat (we were all vegetarian).
My own mother was also very emotionally abusive, she would tell us she didn't love us or would rather us be dead than live with our dad, she'd act like we were horrible children and we ruined her marriage.
At 15 all my friends but one didn't want to know me anymore and by 18 my best friend (and ex-boyfriend) died very suddenly. Me and my OH started a family young, I was 18 when I got pregnant, we both wanted it and I don't regret it at all. But when I was pregnant my best friend died and my Grandad died within 4 months of eachother. On top of that that's when my dad separated from his wife and I stopped seeing my little sisters. My 9 year old sister hasn't even met my baby that was born in December last year.
My family weren't at all supportive of me being pregnant at 18, it's still used backhandedly against me subtlety sometimes despite my eldest being nearly 2 and it being irrelevant because we have a house and enough money to support a family without help from my parents, we never needed help from them. I work from home too, so it's not like me having a family young ruined my life, they're the only thing that keep me smiling.
I have been referred to counselling for postnatal depression (even though that's not what this is), but I don't know if it'll help. I don't see what a stranger can possibly say to me to make this shitty life not seem shit.
Obviously I'm extremely lucky to have my two amazing children and have a roof over our heads, I'll always be grateful for that.
I just feel like all the crappy people in my life have made it very difficult to be happy, and I have no friends to talk to. Even after what'll be 6 years this year I still have no friends and no one to talk to. And that's not the usual having no friends where you really just mean you don't want to meet up with the ones you have. I genuinely don't have a friend in the world, and every effort I make to be friends with someone is always in vein because once they find out that I'm 20 with 2 kids they don't want to know me or out of the blue they stop meeting up with me and never reply to any messages again claiming they're busy when they post all over social media meetups with their other friends with kids, so clearly they have time for friends, just not for me.
I feel incredibly lonely and every time I've spoken to my partner about it he just says he's an introvert so doesn't want to make friends. He doesn't understand how lonely I feel and how much it hurts to feel like no one wants to know you.