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Mental health

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Flip

Original poster

i feel smothered!

16 replies

nightowl · 03/10/2004 02:55

maybe some of you already know that i have a neighbour who just wont leave me alone. she is round my house all the time...i also have a male friend however. we have been friends a very long time and he wants something more. i love and respect him as a close friend but its nothing more than that and never will be. ive told him this a while back. he keeps coming up here which i dont mind, on a weekend a drink and a chat but once hes here i cant get rid of him...when i say im going to bed he makes excuses not to go...tonight he even asked if he could sleep on my sofa. i feel guilty because he does little jobs for me and wont accept any pay and hes very good to me....but i cant go on like this...between the two of them they are driving me insane. every day and every night..often until 2am i have one of them here...i feel like im suffocating. i just want some time myself and my children...time to just relax when the kids are in bed but it seems there is always someone knocking on my door....ive tried telling them both i need time to myself but they still keep coming round.

OP posts:

essbee · 03/10/2004 03:03

Message withdrawn

pixiefish · 03/10/2004 08:05

Poor you nightowl. Try not answering the door if you think it's them- if they question you later just say you were in the bath or something. I quite often don't answer the door or phone if I'm busy with dd.
If that doesn't work have you tried standing in the door and saying that you're reaally busy or something.
How about 'what there something specific you wanted as I'm really busy at the moment...'

Skate · 03/10/2004 08:52

Pixiefish - glad to hear I'm not the only one that ignores the phone!! DH gets really annoyed even though it's often not him at the other end of the line. MIL and SIL are ALWAYS calling at inconvenient times - I've told them 100 times that between 5.30 and 7.15 I'm doing teas, baths, bed etc but they still ring then and get all stroppy because I ignore the phone!!

Nightowl - I would def ignore the door and say you were in the bath or something. If that doesn't work, you really will just have to be blunt and say you want the evening to yourself or that you are so tired you are going straight to bed - then crack open the wine, a big box of chocs and enjoy your night in!

Hope you can sort this out - it sounds like a nightmare.

bonniej · 03/10/2004 09:34

I'm always ignoring the phone and door. It sometimes feels like an intrusion and once you've picked the phone up or answered the door you're lumbered with whoevers there. I think you need to harden up a bit as they don't seem to take hints. It's YOUR house and YOUR time so if you don't feel like company just be polite but blunt and tell them you're busy. Good Luck

JoolsToo · 03/10/2004 11:07

Ditto for the phone and door - especially if I don't feel like company - always do 1471 on the phone after and if its someone I want to talk to I call them back - is that terrible? - I don't care

Have you got another male friend that you can 'borrow' for the weekend - then when the other bloke turns up you can say you've got company (get the 'boyfriend' to come to the door with you) he should get the message!

anorak · 03/10/2004 11:41

I was going to say what Joolstwo said. Pretend you are seeing someone else and see what your male friend's reaction is. The trouble is hope springs eternal...I've had this problem.

Another thing I thought of is maybe you can say to them both that you are burning the candle at both ends/studying/working from home or whatever and that for a little while you will have to limit their visits to one night a week as you really must rest/study/get on with some work. Say you are as pissed off about it as they are, what night would they like to come round this week?

Original poster

nightowl · 03/10/2004 23:27

the problem with me ignoring the door is that my neighbour knows im in and will bang the door all night at five minute intervals if i dont answer...then the window...then the back door...look through the curtains etc. i also have the filthy habit of smoking and i stand outside to have a cigarette...so unfortunatly they can see me. i dont dislike my neighbour and i love my friend to bits but its just too much.

OP posts:

yingers74 · 04/10/2004 08:16

night owl, i think it is time for some straight talking! Try your neighbour first, stand at the door, don't let her in and tell her that you can't hang out with her today as you have other things that you urgently need to do. U need to be persistent! I knew someone just like that, but we were teenagers and she grew out of it! Good luck! I know it is not easy to deal with such people as u don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

In relation to your male friend it might be best to do as joolstoo suggested.

essbee, what are u doing up so late?

Original poster

nightowl · 10/10/2004 23:44

ok...im going to be a bad mother because its time i said something harsh...its getting that way. tonight i had both of them here. i wanted to scream "f**k off, PLEASE just leave me alone" at them and i got snappy. so basically i need to have a word before i actually do scream this. i know my neighbour will take the hump completely and its no loss to me but i know she will stop her ds playing with my ds. so he will lose his friend. i also think i will lose my friend as he will take the hump, go off and sulk. so i lose a good friend, ds loses a friend...or i lose my sanity..either way its going to be bad. im a nervous snivelling wreck and ive got to do something about it now. they were all like a sodding whirlwind in my house tonight...things getting broken...mess...doors being left wide open with winds blowing across the room while i was trying to dry the baby after her bath...its not on. aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. sorry for keep moaning on...i will put a stop to it now.

OP posts:

sallystrawberry · 10/10/2004 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nightowl · 11/10/2004 00:03

thanks for the advice sally but unfortunatly ive tried it neighbour thinks time away is a couple of hours and even if i tell them in advance what time to leave they hang around until i almost literally shove them out the door! its time to be harsh methinks. oh and no chance of them being friends either..i dont think they are too keen on each other!

OP posts:

JJ · 11/10/2004 06:52

Nightowl, if it's too hard to be harsh all at once, choose certain days in your head that you just won't either one in. Try to give the other days a go, but on, eg, Wednesday and Saturday, just don't let them in.

?? Don't know if that would work. Your neighbor and friend would drive me insane.

Pagan · 11/10/2004 09:27

Hi Nihjtowl. I think you have to be blunt with male friend. I've experienced similar with 2 male friends and they just did not take the hint. Ironically I used to complain to one about the other in the hope that at least one would understand but to no avail. And at the time I also had a boyfriend (now DH) but everytime I mentioned him Friend1 would go all quiet for about 10-15 minutes and Friend2 would grimace through his teeth in the pretence of a smile. In the end I lost both of them as friends but it was a price I was prepared to pay as they eventually made me feel uncomfortable as well as smothered.

As for neighbour, also have to be blunt and just say you are going to your bed at a reasonable hour and would she mind going home please. Say it with a smile and then if she takes the hump then she is truly thick skinned and selfish so perhaps not worth hanging onto as a pal anyway.

Hope this helps

yurtgirl · 11/10/2004 21:34

Message withdrawn

MUMINAMILLION · 11/10/2004 22:49

Nightowl - oh to be so popular! Maybe not under the circumstances. Poor you. Have you managed to be harsh? It seems like the only way out for you, but awful too. Hope things go ok and you can resolve this, whilst maintaining your sanity! xx

Original poster

nightowl · 11/10/2004 23:29

i probably did start a thread about the child yes...im always harping on about them!! today has been a good day...they have gone away for a while...i just cant put into words how different ive felt. not jumping if i hear the door and being able to do what i want....its been lovely!

OP posts:

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