Depression is starting to win

[allthesharks]

This week has been awful. My children have been ill and so have I. I still feel physically dreadful (flu, possibly a chest infection now) and I'm barely getting any sleep as DD2 is still unwell and waking in the night.

My DP has been doing a lot to help, but my DC only want me when they're ill. My XH has said he can't have them. My parents had them one night when I had to go to A&E, but I can't to collect them early the next morning.

The responsibility is killing me. The inability to ever get a break is becoming too much. Im arguing with my DP. Snapping at him because he can get a break and I can't (not his fault, DC only want me so I'm up in the night with them. He's been getting up to help get medicines, water etc but there's only so much he can do). I'm becoming resentful of his ability to put himself first when I never can.

I've had depression for 10 years (medicated). It's just become too much. I'm so tired. I'm so drained. I just want to run away.

Are there any other family or friends who could help you with the children while you recover? I don't have much experience with MH, so I can't offer any practical advice, but I do want you to know that you are not alone. Can you speak to your doctor to see whether they can give you any further help? Sending you a very big hug x

Thank you @Torrennce. The problem with anyone else helping is that both DC only want me, and where DD2 isn't well I would feel so guilty if she couldn't have me to comfort her when she feels so unwell. My DP offered to take the DC to his parents over night so I could get uninterrupted sleep at home, but I declined because of the way DD2 is at the moment. I know in that respect I'm probably not helping myself, but I just can't not be there for them when they're poorly. It frustrates DP because he says I need to prioritise myself to get better, but I always have to prioritise my DC. I would be flooded with guilt if I didn't.

If I don't feel any better physically tomorrow, I'm going to see the GP to see if I need antibiotics and also maybe get signed off work. I'm also pregnant, so I don't think they'll change or increase my medication at the moment. My GP would rather I wasn't taking it but I've seen an obstetrician who specialising in maternal mental health and he agrees that I'm best to continue taking it.

I just want to feel like me again.

I understand about wanting to rest but also wanting to be there for your children, but in order to be the best mum (which you are) you need to look after and prioritise yourself sometimes too! I think most mums are guilty of not doing this, myself included. But getting a good and interrupted nights sleep will probably do the world of good for you.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Not to trivialise how you are feeling but perhaps the changes in your body from the pregnancy could be heightening how you are feeling? I think you should definitely see your doctor and get some time off of work. You and your well being are the most important thing right now xx