Desperately lonely and sad

[hellotesting123123]

Hi all

Recently single, at 35, and feel like my prospect at having a family is running out very quickly.

I'm also pretty traumatised from a VERY difficult five years or so which has featured betrayal, death of my favourite person and also a transition to freelancing for three years which I now realise is not helping as I spend so much time at my kitchen table (I'm now going inhouse part-time, which should hopefully help).

I do think I'm a pretty sociable person naturally but the last few years have isolated me and given me no time or energy to pursue new friendships. And weirdly, at 35, I think I feel like a saddo trying - like everyone this age is now settled in with their friends and partners and if I look like I'm making an effort I'll be branded a weirdo.

Alongside this, all of my friends are partnered up and weekends seem to be basically be for them to spend time with their husbands or families, which leaves me feeling very, very lonely and just ruminating on what has gone wrong / how I'm messed up and not as good as everyone else.

And even when I do see friends, I feel like they pity me and just want to give me something to do. I know that's destructive thinking, and it probably makes me quite shit company. I feel like I moan too much and just have no joie de vivre left.

I'm actively trying not to date at the moment as I feel like I've used men to fill a void a bit and that it would be good for my confidence to know I don't need them for that. Also, the general advice seems to be that you need to be in a happy and healthy place yourself to find a good relationship, although I have a read a couple of posts from people who admitted they were lonely and sad before they met their DHs, so maybe this just is what humans are like when they're alone?

Do you have any advice for not blaming myself for being alone on the weekends? I think shame really adds to the feeling of isolation.

And do you have any stories of hope, of being a similar age and actually rebuilding your life in a positive way? Of finding new friends and of also finding a nice partner to settle down with?

Thanks for listening.

You could try dipping a toe in OLD, you could join social clubs like running club, hiking group, church, book-club, local meeting groups.You could do things on your own.
Sadly, single female friends do get left out when people pair off.

Could you do something as a lunch break - go for a walk, or nip out to get a pint of milk or something. Or just vary your routine a little - go shopping in a different town or supermarket or something.

Finding a partner - be friendly and smiley when out and about so that people will find you approachable.

You never know what's around the corner and it's always darkest before dawn.

You are talking to someone in a similar position but a lot older.
Finding a partner isn't the be all and end all. You can look into having a child alone if that is a priority.

You have no need to be ashamed. I hadn't even thought about being ashamed at yet another night in alone. I do sometimes feel lonely, very lonely, but I get by. So will you.

Thanks @barbedwyer. I appreciate your suggestions. I'm probably just getting used to being single as well.

I actually want to give dating a bit of a rest at the minute as I think it's better to learn to be on my own a bit. Hopefully this is just a phase.

Hi, sorry you are feeling so low. I can relate. I was a freelancer and a single mother at your age and felt pretty much the same way. Working at home can be terribly isolating. And It's true that people with partners tend to spend all their time with them, and after a certain age it's hard to make new friends.

I don't have any specific advice except not to blame yourself or think you're a "saddo". All I know is that things always change. I'm now married to a fantastic man whom I met at age 53. A good friend of mine always very much wanted children and was worried about time running out. She met her now DH at 39 or 40 and now has a family.

Don't blame yourself. No doubt you're a lovely person who's had knocks to her self-confidence. You have nothing to be ashamed of! More people are lonely than you know, they just don't admit it.

All the best to you.

You need to plan your weekends so you have something fun to do, even if you are alone. I admit that the current weather isn't inviting. But get out for a walk - or try a new food market - or take yourself somewhere nice for lunch - or go to lecture or a stately home, or a lunchtime concert, or whatever interests you.There's loads to do if you look and much of it is free/cheap. Volunteer for something. If you are interested in what you're doing, you don't need a man in tow - and you're more likely to get into conversation with people when you're on your own, so who knows?

Could I suggest that you do not label it as a mental health issue, but think of it as a relationship issue.

I appreciate that your mental wellness is affected, but focus on the positive. Network with business groups in your town. Do things you can do alone. Date yourself by having days out and things. See it as a temporary glitch. See yourself as the pleasant, attractive, valuable and successful person you are.

If you work from home you could get a dog.

You'd have to take the dog for a walk and it would be company, and people would stop to talk to you.

If that's not practical, ignore this post but not the most of my previous one, although it basically just says the same as @katy1213 and @AgnosticBaker

I didn’t meet my husband until I was 36. Was single for 5 years before that following a devastating loss. We married when I was 37 and I had my son at 38 😊. All things are possible. You’re not old and still have time to have the life you wish for.

However, from the work perspective, could you get back into a workplace setting? That might be a good thing for you. And yes, as others have said, join a group of some description. My sister has recently started dance classes and travels all over the place to things.

I’m making it all sound so easy. It’s not. Not for everyone. And life is tough at times...but so are you, darling!

@theladyanneneville that's a lovely story and fills me with hope!

Do you think I can afford to take a few months off dating and get my head together? i'm feeling so sad and depressed right now I'd be a terrible date.

I'm 35 btw

What about joining an exercise class that runs in the daytime? You are sure to meet many women (and maybe some men) in similar positions who are looking to socialise.

My Mum is 55 and a few years ago she went down to two days a week at work (which she found very isolating.) She has made a group of new friends from starting daytime exercise classes at the local leisure centre and being friendly/chatty afterwards. Now most weeks she'll be out for coffee or drinks with these friends. I'm 25 and I found it really impressive how she had managed to make a whole new group of friends when I already find it hard.

@StartingAgain33 definitely. The worst thing for dating is any desperate need to get fixed up. Have a complete break. Do what interests YOU. Then, you’ve made space for the possibility of good things coming your way! Good luck to you.