This might be long, please bear with me. Basically, I've been in tears since 5pm on Friday at the mere thought of going back to work on Monday. There have been a few times I've been close to going to the doctor over the years with anxiety/stress/feeling down but always talked myself out of it, reasoned it with things like surely depressed people are worse than me, people have real problems, etc etc. I also feel I may be on the autism spectrum. I have a close family member with a confirmed diagnosis and we share a lot of the same difficulties, but not sure whether that makes me autistic or just incredibly socially inept? Also not sure what benefit a diagnosis would make to me at this stage of life.
My new job has tipped me over the edge. Low level bitchiness and fakeness that's taking me back to school and sending my anxiety into overdrive. Lots of whispering and giggling and pretending to be your friend, while talking shit behind your back. I'm mid 30s, not 12. Keeping my head down and getting on with my work isn't working - they ignore their own mistakes and incompetence, but love to point out small mistakes of mine. I am frequently the only one working and I have been told more than once - including by my manager - that I am making everyone else look bad. This is not said as a compliment. Very high staff turn over, and another staff member suffered a breakdown last year. Have been warned by staff from other departments about the bitchiness. Needless to say I am job hunting but this is not fast, and my anxiety frequently ruins interviews for me even though I am a good, reliable worker, and I know this.
Nothing really specific about Friday had upset me but I feel like it's built and built and I cannot cope any more. I wish I could never go back, or go in on Monday to hand in my notice but I have no savings and can't afford to not have a job. Can't raise it with the manager as there have been no real specific incidents aimed at me, it's just a general toxicness, which she fully takes part in.
I am lucky that I work for a local trust and have paid sick leave. At the moment I am trying to work out if I should go in on Monday and see if I can self-refer to Occ Health, or call in sick and go to the doctor for help.
But how do you know when to ask for help? What if I call in sick and can't get a doctor's appointment? What if I go to the doctor and the issues don't sound as bad as I feel they are? What if I've cried all weekend and have no tears left by the time I get in and they don't believe me? I don't know what to do. Just want to hide and never see any of them again. I feel as though I am drowning and can't get a breath.
I'm sorry to ramble, just need to get it all out and hope someone understands?