odd behaviour: mental illness?

[niceclock]

I've just started a choir. Was a bit nervous before arriving, but I usually get like that before meeting new people/starting new things and I just try to ignore it and push on through but it's getting harder as I get older, and I feel more anxious overall and less in control of myself. I've never been good in social situations, and I have zero friends. I find people tend to ignore me because I never have anything to say. I am quite intelligent but I find it difficult to make small talk and chat about mundane things like most people seem to. To me it all feels boring and fake and like it's a massive effort, but I'm great performing, say, a speech, or delivering a lecture. I have to rehearse 'lines' before I meet people, and psych myself up, and then I spend ages afterwards analysing everything I said and what everyone else said, looking for 'mistakes' on my part, or occasions when people have laughed at me. It's bloody exhausting.

First week in my new choir went well: I enjoyed it and went back for a second week.

Different leader in week 2, and they didn't seem to know what they were doing. They had no structure to the session, and they couldn't keep a rhythm or hold a tune. The whole thing sounded so ugly it was making me feel ill.

I felt, literally, like I was twisted up, inside, and I was tensing all my muscles and all the discordant singing was turning my body to stone, and I felt all spaced out/disorientated. This isn't the first time this has happened: sometimes when I'm in a group situation and lots of people are talking at once I feel like I can't cope with the noise, there's too much of it, and it actually hurts me. I get this 'twisty' feeling, and my body tenses up. I usually just run away, although that's obviously not an especially useful strategy when you're 40.

I'm mortified that I react like this and hate feeling like a bloody child or some kind of nut job, and now I'm frightened to go back for a third week in case other people notice how weird I am and start judging me.

any thoughts?

I have similar issues, especially auditory processing ones when in group situations. I was diagnosed with autism in my late thirties.

I thought the same. High functioning autism. It’s in our family. It’s never too late to get a diagnosis and it could actually make you feel so much better. Plus, the diagnosis can give you a much better understanding of yourself. There are so many people undiagnosed with autism today. My 17 yr old I’m convinced is HF autism and my 4 year old is awaiting NHS diagnosis.
You are most certainly not mentally ill.
We are all on the spectrum to some degree and to varying degrees.
You could visit your Gp and ask for a test. Waiting list could be long though but in the meantime, get a hook or two on Aspergers or HF autism and read it. You may find it describes you well.
But tell yourself, you are NOT going mad. Xx

Hi OP,

You have received some really helpful advice here.
I just wanted to say you are not going mad and please don’t be so hard on yourself.
I think it would be a good idea to go to the GP. Explain everything you have said here or even show the GP your post if you find it difficult to discuss face to face.

I agree with Ozziewozzie that we are all on the spectrum to some degree. I am the same age as you and often feel socially awkward. I like to hide away at home and I have always put this down to my low self esteem issues. I always feel I don’t fit in and freeze in many social situations always wanting to run away at the first opportunity or better still find an excuse not to go. I applaud you for joining a choir, I wouldn’t have the confidence to do that.

Be kind to yourself

I take issue with us 'all being on the spectrum in some way' angle. Brain scans would suggest otherwise. It's like saying someone might be a little bit pregnant because they have some of the symptoms like sickness or backache. I agree, OP, however that you're presenting like someone who has High functioning autism (Aspergers), and can especially relate to the twisty feeling inside where you just want to run away. Much of what you said sounds familiar. I was diagnosed several years ago and pursuing a diagnosis has really improved my quality of life; I understand myself so much better now. As suggested by a previous poster, go to your GP and show them this post. I think you can find the answers you seek.

HI @surlycurly - Apologies, I didn’t mean any offence by saying I think we are all on the spectrum in some way. I was in no way trying to diminish those who have been diagnosed as being on the spectrum.

thank you all for your replies. I'm grateful. Your responses make sense. Suppose I'll have to try and talk to the doctor: showing them this post is a great idea, too. Again, thanks.

My first instinct was to think you may have high functioning Autism ( or what was previously known as asperger's).
My DS has it and socializing can be difficult and communication can be difficult also, he doesn't engage in small talk, he doesn't see the point in it.
The very best of luck. I hope you get the help you need