Properly in the pit, all my own fault.

[Stegasaurusmum]

Won't go in to the whole story as I'm really properly in the pit right now and could do without having stuff thrown at me but I'm sure if you searched me you'd find what I've done, due to my actions I've got myself inyo this state which I've been in since November.

I saw a counsellor yesterday for a first session and after feeling initially ok I just cannot stop crying. I'm attempting non contact with someone who I work with and who has broken my heart, but I can't stop thinking about, I'm coming to the point where I'm probably going to end my marriage because I've fallen in love with someone else, who I can't get over, and I've realised I don't really love my husband.. I'm working and have to get through the days without running off to cry every 5 mins but can't seem to manage.
I'm sitting here with tears running down my face again whilst my kids eat tea and even though I know what I need to do really I feel so paralysed and trapped by guilt, fear, everything.
I've got anti depressants prescribed yesterday but they told me I could feel worse to start with so I'm so scared to start them. I'm not eating at all really or sleeping particularly well and I have to hide all this from my husband, although he's away currently so I have till Friday to pull myself together.

I'm trying everything, keeping busy, running, doing good things for myself every day, planning stuff for the evenings and weekends, talking to friends, have bullet journal pages aplenty gor everything from drinking water to keeping away from heart breaker..
But I just can't stop obsessing, thinking, worrying, crying, shaking...
When will it stop?

Sounds like you need a clean slate - to finish your marriage then start afresh. You are giving your h hope by staying yet teasing him about there being someone else.

In meantime you will not move on if you work with om and are in even slight contact. What could you do to change that?

I can't change it, even if I could it wouldn't now change till July, due to contracts. Even then, probably unlikely I'd find a new job and if I'm ending my marriage I really can't do that too. I wouldn't be able to afford to leave. I love my job, it's the only thing keeping me going right now, plus the children.

DH doesn't know about OM. He knows we are struggling, he knows I'm unhappy, he's unhappy too but a lot of it is due to underlying issues, which we've begun to talk about. We are waiting for relate counselling.
I'm OK mostly. Just particularly bad right now, I guess because counselling is bringing things up and I'm not around him so I am able to let it out a bit. He won't talk about issues, he knows I feel like I can't get the feelings of love back but that we are both wanting to at least start to talk about it.
I wish it were as dimple as just leave, we have a massive mortgage one of us couldn't cover alone, tied into for years, other stuff... Just feel like it's all crushing down on me.