Could this be pnd depression ?

[Lillipop87]

Hi just need someone to talk to really.so for the last few weeks I have been feeling really awful just so low all the time,irritable, angry,teary at times, I've been in a rut and feeling a bit fed up for a while but put that down to how my life is atm I'm a sahm to four kids..youngest is almost 6 months, I don't have a lot of friends anymore, I don't really do much aside from look after the kids and ds3 who's 2 and a half is very challenging (in the beginning stages of being assessed) anyway I wasn't doing too bad a bit stressed and fed up but lately it's getting harder and harder to be ok, I feel so unmotivated to do things and even cleaning the house, getting dressed in a chore I just feel so empty for want of a better word, people keep telling me to go see a doctor but I'm worried they will just put me on medication. Do you think this could be post natal depression or just how life is at the moment?how can I lift myself from this?any replies greatly appreciated..thanks x

Hi, well done for writing here, I know from personal experience that it can be so hard to just do that. What you are going through sounds tough, so please be kind to yourself about how you are managing. Do you have any family/friends around to help you? Cleaning the house isn't the priority but I know that little things like having a clean house can make you feel better. Do you have someone who could help you with tasks such as that? I had PND and felt similar to what you are describing. I was worried about having a diagnosis, is that what is worrying you? I would absolutely encourage you to get any help you can get and talking about how you feel. Keep talking here in the meantime. Sorry my thoughts are a bit scattered at the moment, I will try to sort them, just wanted to know you are being heard. We are listening [hug].

Thank you so much for your reply I felt myself welling up again at your kind words. I have a lovely family but not without their own problems my mum is and has always been my rock she herself is going through some stuff at the moment so I don't feel I can burden her with it. My husband is also lovely but he works all day and he gets a lot of my frustration directed towards him don't think he understands how I feel although he says he does. I've kind of drifted from Alot of my friends as most have no kids or else have older kids and are doing their own thing. I do feel so very alone Alot of the time. My son is very hard work but I won't get into that here I'd be here all day! I just don't feel like me anymore and don't get me wrong I love my kids more then life itself but I feel like I have no identify I think that's how it started I know Alot of that is normal as life with small kiddos is all time consuming but it's this last few weeks of feeling so disinterested in things and the feeling of every day blending into one. I went for a shower today cos my lb is at play school and baby is asleep and I spent about half hour in there just letting the water fall on me and just didn't want to get out.. I don't know what's wrong really cos I know other people have it so much harder and I should just be happy but I just can't lift myself atm. I'm not sure if I'm scared of a diagnosis..maybe but I'm worried they will think I can't cope and take my kids off me I know that's so stupid and irrational. X

You have every right to feel overwhelmed. I encourage you to keep talking about how you're feeling. I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself when I had PND and I wish I had been more open about them. I was worried about being diagnosed and seen as someone who wasnt coping - it'll be better for you to talk about how you're feeling and getting help now.
Do you mind me asking how old your other DC are? Are they old enough to help around the house/with the younger two at all? I'm guessing you may not be getting a lot of time for yourself to 'feel like you'? I remember feeling like I was just a milk machine, like I had no other purpose in life. It can be hard for working parents to understand completely as they go to work and get to be something else other than mums or dads all day! (sorry I'm still gathering my thoughts so it seems I'm rambling a bit atm)

Oh God yes I can defo relate to the feeling like a milk machine. I'm still exclusively breast feeding and my lo uses it for comfort as well as food so I do feel a bit like I'm always feeding though she is going longer now so not as much tho she still feels a lot at night! My other children are 9, 5 and 2 and a half. Two older girls do help me a bit with their baby sister but I spend so long nagging about tidying up ect particularly to the older one it's easier to do it myself! They are good kids and mostly well behaved but like all kids test the boundaries and they seem to all of a sudden since the eldest turned 9 be bickering like cat and dog! I don't get much time to myself at all sometimes hard to go to the loo or a shower. I often fantasize about going to a hotel by myself just to watch TV or read or sleep and be by myself. I've had friends ask me to go out for a drink but I have no interest in that really even cancelled a visit from a close friend the other day cos couldn't face it and the house was messy! How is your pnd now? Do u feel better? How did u get help in the end? Sorry for all the questions x

'I often fantasize about going to a hotel by myself just to watch TV or read or sleep and be by myself.' You know, that wouldn't be such a bad idea! I mean, what about having a good chat with your DH about how you feel and what could be done so that you have some time for yourself? I admit I don't know how it is to 'run' a 4 child household but I understand there can be limitations to what is possible. What about hobbies, is there something you would enjoy doing during the week that would give you a chance to feel like a person again and maybe meet people, destress, have a laugh? I know you said your mum is going through something at the moment and I don't mean to probe but do you think she might like to come and watch the kids while you go out and do something?
Please don't apologise for asking. I have more complex mental health issues still, I wish I had looked after myself more and been more open about my issues...It is not to say that we all go through the same route! I know post natal health too is such a delicate issue and it means so much to me and I just wish all mums (and dads) would feel comfortable enough to talk and have the adequate support who will listen. I wouldnt want anyone to feel alone, so please talk, even if it's just with us 'strangers online' for starters. You are not alone and you can feel better.

Thank you x dh is good with the kids but I get very anxious about leaving the baby for very long so don't know if I would feel happy about going away for a weekend without her but maybe it's what I need. I used to love Zumba it always made me feel better I haven't been to it for a couple of years maybe if I can find the motivation from somewhere to go and see if it helps. I think there is still Alot of stigma around mental health even in this day and age which is a shame cos I'm sure more people would seek help . I don't think I can put on my mum at the moment but I will try and have a good chat with my husband when he gets home and explain how I'm feeling. Thanks again for being so kind xx

Agree, weekend away might feel like a long time, especially since you're still bf'ing. Maybe small steps/short period off in the beginning, couple of hours off doing something that you enjoy - I used to love Zumba too!
Look after yourself, be kind to yourself xx

I don't have any advice, however just wanted to say you sound like Superwoman and must be absolutely amazing. I feel a lot of the way you feel and I only have 1 child.

I can't even begin to imagine how stressful and hard it must be to look after 4 children, and it must be so difficult to get any time to yourself or to feel like yourself.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job x

Nik101 I don't know about the Superwoman part but thank you lol u did make me smile. X

Myusernameherstory thank you so much I feel so much better having talked about this. I'm going to go to Zumba next week when it's on and I'm going to try and brave a mum and toddler group with my ds too. X