Recovery stories from depression - I need hope!

[PurpleRain08]

I am feeling so scared that I am never going to get better. I feel worried that I have lost my confidence, and my 'spark' and my zest for life for good. I look back at photos of myself from a few years ago, and I am just a complete shadow of my former self.

I am so worried that I will just feel like this shell forever. I feel so pathetic and dependent and needy towards my partner, and I feel like how can I be attractive at all anymore now that I am not even the person I was when we met?! I mean, we do still laugh and have fun, but it feels like everything revolves around my illness. I don't want my partner to be my carer. I want to feel empowered and independent and successful. I want to feel confident and powerful and attractive - like how I used to feel.

I just feel I have been going further and further downhill and I am worried that my old self is just dead and gone!

Please give me hope that recovery is possible. Please give me hope that I can get back to my old self and be happy and bubbly and fun loving again?

Yes, it absolutely is possible.

I spent most of my teens and twenties in a fog of hating life, hating myself, feeling powerless and unable to change anything. Every door was shut, nothing ever went right for me, and I felt hopeless and a burden on everyone. I self harmed, I considered suicide frequently and on one particular occasion I came dangerously close (I even remember the date).

I can't put my finger on exactly when things changed for me, it wasn't like a huge lightbulb one day. But somewhere along the line I realised that I could make changes that would benefit me. I started with resigning from a job that was utterly toxic and had broken me, leaving me with ill health and no confidence. I couldn't afford to do it, and I feared it could cost me my house, but I couldn't go on. I forced myself to exercise, and was amazed to discover that mentally it made me feel stronger. I went to a counsellor. I tried to actively appreciate the things I did have and try to think less of the things I didn't. I tried to stop comparing my life to others. I stopped trying to seek happiness by escapism like spending money or drinking.

All of these were small steps, little by little, and I'll be honest, it wasn't weeks or months, it was years.

I'm in my 40s now and my life is transformed. I have started all over again career wise, back to the very bottom, but I am moving up, my CV is bulging and instead of telling me I'm useless and have ideas above my station, colleagues and contacts tell me they are impressed and are shocked that I sell myself so short. My relationship has improved because I am no longer so needy with my husband. My physical health is better. My friendships are better, with people who care about me, not with people whose only focus is themselves.

I have more stress in my life than I ever did in my 20s - bereavement, parenthood, being a carer for an elderly parent, studying for more qualifications, worrying about funding retirement, difficult family situations. And yet I never feel that gnawing depression and worthlessness that I did 20 years ago. I feel down obviously, but it's unrealistic to think that life would be otherwise.

But perhaps most importantly of all, I sought help and took medication. And continue to take medication. And I don't care. If it allows me to live a life that is bearable then I'll take it forever.

Keep going. It really can get better and some day you will look back and it will seem like another life.

Thank you so much, Isabelle. Your post has made me cry. That is certainly the light at the end of the tunnel that I wanted and needed to hear today. Thank you so much.

That is so amazing to hear that you felt so low, but now you are much happier and that your past feels like a different life. Well done you for getting out of it - you sound amazingly strong.

I am in a job that I am unhappy with, and it feels like a huge weight on my shoulders. I have been applying for new jobs though - but not been successful as of yet - but I won't give up! It is just so hard dragging yourself to a job that sucks the life out of you.

I am moving area in the next month - which will be positive as I am moving in with my partner. I currently live alone which probably isn't very good for me mentally. So, once I move I am going to join the local gym, and try and join social groups or hobbies in the local area, so I can have some independence back and get those endorphins flowing!

I have had counselling in the past, but I felt like it just ended up going round in circles and not really "going anywhere" but I think maybe I should give another counsellor a try, as then at least it releases some of the burden from my partner.

Thank you so much for the pep talk, I guess it is a hard pill to swallow because I just want to feel better NOW. But realistically, it is going to take effort every single day. Making better choices and consciously changing my negative thought patters, and it is going to take a lot of hard work. But I have to do it because I don't want to feel like this anymore!

I definitely didn't mean to make you cry .

But if I could pinpoint the one thing in life that dragged me down the most it was definitely my job. And every knock back at applying for another just reinforced my belief that I was obviously useless, so the next time I applied for a job my confidence was lower and it was a vicious circle. With hindsight it almost certainly came through in the applications I was writing.

I think a lot of people don't love their jobs but don't really hate them either, so they don't realise how dreading every single working day has such a negative effect on your whole life. I remember people telling me that I was making a fuss about nothing and everyone hates their job. And I couldn't quite explain that it wasn't just about disliking my job, or thinking my boss was useless, it was about not being able to escape. It wasn't me sitting there moaning but not doing anything about it, it was about getting knocked back at every turn. It grinds you down. And I actually love my job now. I can hand on heart say that I have never woken in the morning and thought 'oh no, work today'. It is completely life changing.

A fresh start in a new place could be exactly what will set you on the road to recovery.

Hi OP, I'm coming from a different angle,
I've got a thread going at the moment about my DS
He attempted suicide a few months back and after finally accepting help he has started antidepressants and counselling.
What has come to light is that his job has made his mental health so much worse and he is considering resigning. Each morning has been a struggle with tears, panic attacks etc
He was so happy to get the job as from the outside it looked amazing. The truth is it's caused him so much stress and he's thinking of resigning before he's even found another job. I'm totally behind him with this decision as I think it will help his recovery no end.
Good luck OP, I really hope things turn around for you. Sometimes it takes some thing to happen to realise your health is the most important thing in the world.

Yes it's possible. I've had depression all my life, on and off, tried lots of different medication, had very tiny amounts of counselling. None of these worked. A few years ago, I'd been bed bound with it for a year and was working from home, managing less than an hour a day. I took a year off work to get better by myself. In fact I was back at work, at a higher level than before, within eight months.I wrote a private blog where I kept a record of all my research and experiments into what helped, and kept a daily log of them at first, then, when better a weekly log. Then I got so much better I ditched it all and just got on with life.
Last week, I felt the depression take a really strong grip on me again and by yesterday morning was thinking, shit I need medication again. But instead, I went back to the blog archives and reread the steps I used to take and yesterday made myself do every single one of them. By the evening, I felt fine again. I know that sounds unlikely but it's true. If you systematically work out your own tailor-made cure and stick to it, and return to it as soon as you feel your mood slip, then it works.
My biggest discoveries were:

1. Do something you have never done before every single day.

Not sure why this works, but when we're depressed we seem to freeze mentally and physically as though we are trapped in a cycle. Doing something completely new breaks the cycle and I'm pretty sure (pure guesswork) that it does something to the neurotransmitters and creates new neural pathways, so it breaks you out of the loops of failing ones.

I'm an absolute evangelist for this as the best ever cure for depression.
If you are in that bed bound state, then go gently. Put on some music you've never heard before. Read a poem by a poet you've never come across (you can get a poem a day delivered to your email inbox free of charge.) Do bed yoga (Youtube has lots of bed yoga programmes) Etc.
As you get better do more ambitious things. The key is that you only have to do anything once. You don't have to sign up for a whole course and then feel like a failure for dropping out. Do one-off things and then if you enjoy them, do them again.Make lists of places you've been meaning to visit and do them as often as you can. Mine ranged from 'that park I see from the train' to places abroad. Try new cafes, foods, restaurants, wear completely different clothes. The trick is: every day.

1. Keep an At Least I journal. Keeping a journal helps anyway. But the At Least I stuff is best. Just make a note of what you actually managed to do each day instead of berating yourself for not doing anything. I'd spend up to 20 hours a day in bed at the height of my illness. So it was really important to write: at least I fed the cat, made DC's breakfast and helped them with school bags, put on a wash load, ordered some supplies from Amazon, emailed my sister, etc. Even if the things you did only took an hour in total and you were a zombie for the rest of the day, the ALI lists help you see how you contribute to the world. They are also a great confidence boost when you look back over them and see your progress from 'ALI showered today and fed the cat' to 'ALI completed two deadlines early today, deep cleaned the bathroom, baked a pie and went to yoga' which is kind of an ordinary day in the life of a well person.

1. Repeat the mantra: I don't have to want to, I just have to do it.

I used this to get me vertical most mornings, to make me shower and dress etc.

As well as these, I took (and have started taking again) loads of supplements. Vit D spray, B-complex and iron are crucial to fight fatigue. Then depending on what sort of depression you have, there's all sorts of different things that help different people. I take L-Tyrosine and DLPA because my dopamine levels appear to be really low. Some people take St. John's Wort or evening primrose or black cohosh etc.

Daylight and exercise every day are vital. Combine the two with a walk at or near midday. Or just sit in a sunny spot and do a five minute yoga stretch online, if that's all you can manage.

Sorry this is an essay, but honestly, it saved me. And yesterday was proof. I felt really awful yesterday morning and by evening I was fine, just by returning to my lists what makes me better and doing them all.